Ex leaving 8 year old son at home alone.

[jt8024]

For context- me and ex split 2 years ago and now live at opposite ends of London. We have one son together who is turning 9 in January. No additional needs, pretty smart kid but has his moments of stupidity like all young boys do. He isn’t a new relationship but lives with his 2 now grown daughters (23 and 19). I’m in a new relationship and very unexpectedly pregnant and due Christmas Day.

We split custody 50/50- 3 days each and swap. We have sorted this out between ourselves, no need for courts and it has worked so far.

Turned up yesterday evening to pick up DS-DS came to the door, seemed a bit shady, shut the door grabbed his bag and came out of the door and shut it behind him so I couldn’t see inside. I told him I wanted to speak to his dad- panicked look in his eye and told me he was in the bath. Thought no more of it.

Fast forward to this morning- get a call from exs neighbour (I lived there with him when we were together and we are still in touch) to be informed he has been leaving DS alone during the weekend/school holidays and when he's at school he’s been coming home and is often on his own up to 2/3 hours until his dad/one of his sisters returns.

I am seething. Had a go at neighbour for not telling me because this has been going on for months apparently but do appreciate it isn’t her fault/she probably felt she was stepping on toes/at least she has finally told me.

Not confronted ex yet and not been able to pick up the phone and talk to anyone else about it. I’m shaking with anger still and I got the call as I came in from the school run at 9.05.

I don’t know what to do. DS is going to throw a tantrum because he’s finding it hard being away from his dad, especially now I have another baby on the way and obviously won’t see the fault in it but I don’t see how I can trust him to be with his Dad anymore.

AIBU?

YABU to have a go a the neighbour, they've probably been battling whether to tell you or not and won't tell you anything now. You need to apologise pronto.

There is no law as to when you can leave a child alone although most wouldn't leave an 8 year old. Be calm,offer to have DS after-school untill Dad finishes work or during the holidays if he won't organise childcare. Or look at reviewing 50:50 arrangement

Your son isn’t safe when in your ex’s “care”.

Now that you have been made aware of this you cannot let him go for overnight contact because you will be knowingly putting him at risk.

I would stop contact immediately and only allow son to go with ex if picked up and returned by him in the same day.
Absolutely never overnight.

If your ex thinks this is unfair let him try taking you to court.

well he is nearly 9
i wouldnt say he isnt safe
but it is not ideal

Step 1: Call neighbour and apologise. Explain you reacted badly and took it out on them.

Well that’s a way to make sure the neighbour doesn’t tell you anything again. You really do need to go and apologise. The correct reaction was to thank them for telling you, get details and leave it there.

of course he shouldn’t be leaving his eight year old at home. It also sounds like he is encouraging your son to lie/omit the truth/hide this fact from you, which is a seperate and equally bad issue.

Does the school allow 9 year olds to walk home by themselves?

Apologise to your neighbour, it's not their fault at all. Can you just ask your son, he's not going to be able to go there again so needs to know why. Don't blame your son either, this is entirely your ex fault and responsibility and you should now go to the courts for advice.

You need to apologise to the neighbour. You've lost an ally now and probably won't be told any information going forward.

He may or may not be safe for a few hours by himself, but almost as worrying is that DS knows it's wrong and has probably been told to lie to you about it, hence his shifty behaviour.
Obviously you owe the neighbour a big apology, but what a good thing that she told you! How long has it been going on for?
I think in the first instance, contact Ex ( once you have calmed down) and tell him you understand that DS is being left for long periods frequently enough that you know it's not only in emergency. Spell out that he is too young, and try to ascertain what the issue is. Is there a reason he can't send DS to afterschool/holiday club if Ex is not going to be around during his contact time?
Depending on his reaction, I would speak to the school, who will almost certainly discuss with Ex how this is inappropriate, and they may even refuse to let DS out of school without an adult present, if they know he is going home to an empty house.
But it's the lying that's worrying: Ex knows it's wrong, that's why he is telling DS to hide it. He knows it's wrong but he is still doing it.

My mother used to leave me alone for three or four hours when she went to work part time as a teacher when I was 8 years old until I was 14.

Not ideal but I wasn't unsafe. On the other hand I was a very unimaginative child and not the sort to go out on my own or try anything untoward like cooking which could have gone badly wrong.

Is your DS being left because his father is at work? I would ask your ex to put in a camera so he can see when your DS gets in after school and that he is on his own. I think a sensible 9 year old boy on his own would be fine. But a couple of boys (or girls) could come up with some harebrained scheme and attempt something together that they never would on their own.

The whole point of contact is so that the child can spend time with the other parent, not spend time on his own in an empty house. If the parent can’t / won’t be present then the child should be with his mother, not left alone.

I can't believe you had a go at the neighbour.

He's nearly 9. Many many 9 year old children are home alone for a few hours. In many countries this is absolutely normal.

A responsible 8 (almost 9) year old spending 2-3h on their own at home during the day wouldn't shock me... Get them snacks and drinks out, and they can do their homework or watch TV for a bit.

AgileGreenSeal You are quite right of course, but I if it is for work the father may not be able to leave to meet his son at home straight after school or if he is working on a weekend, stay home on weekends his DS is visiting.

That's BS. Joint residency doesn't mean you have to spend every single minute of your day with your child.
The dad used their judgement to make a parental decision that the child is mature enough to be left alone for a few hours. That's not illegal and they are entitled to make that decision.

OP is allowed to disagree and offer alternatives.

I wouldn’t personally have an issue with a responsible 9 year old being left alone for a few hours (certainly not all day at that age), provided he has someone to contact if needed. My DC walked home and let themselves in at that age in the late 2000s.

I certainly wouldn’t be shaking with anger or having a go at neighbours, unless you have other concerns.

How the hell can you have 50/50 care with someone who leaves him on his own?!

This is neglect and I’d be on the phone to his dad letting him know that 50/50 can no longer continue.

I will apologise to neighbour when I go and speak to ex tonight. I shouldn’t have had a go, I was just incredibly upset that she hadn’t told me and I know she will understand that.

I could MAYBE slightly look beyond after school- but 8-6 during school holidays? That’s three meals he’s cooking for himself, ex/his daughters are forever getting parcels delivered so he’s definitely opening doors to strangers, 10 hours he’s allowed to play Xbox straight (because that is what he will be doing).

It’s all making sense- his sudden addiction to junk foods. The tantrums when we put limits on screen time. It’s the fucking lies that have pissed me off the most.

He gets a bus from school to DHs, if I have him either I/his paternal grandparents collect him (they live my end of London) so I doubt the school know what is going on. And DS wouldn’t say anything because he already begrudges not being with his Dad daily.

And it isn’t like there is a whole list of people who would happily look after him- exs parents, my sisters, his brother and sister, mutual friends.

I think you are the one talking nonsense.

A child does not need to be on their own if there is another parent who can provide care!

If the father is at work he needs to make childcare arrangements after school until he is able to look after the child.

If he is working on the weekend then what is the point of having contact? The child would be better off with his mother than staying on his own all day in an empty house.

What is abundantly clear is that the father knows what he is doing is wrong and the child is lying to his mother to cover for his father. That is extremely concerning.

This.

@jt8024 you've got 2 options. You have it out with your ex and make sure he knows this is not okay and next time you'll be calling SS to report the abandonment of your child and this gives him one more chance to be a parent OR you go straight to SS and end up doing the lion's share on your own because you can't trust ex and SS will expect at least one of you to actually parent this poor child.

And stop shooting the messenger. Your neighbour did you a massive favour. They could have reported you both to SS and then you'd both be under investigation.

Ex is a knobhead and your poor boy is already learning to cover for him.

10 hours on xbox? Please tell me he doesn’t have unfettered access to the internet.

In 2024, that’s child abuse.

OP says it’s 8am to 6pm during school holidays. That’s not “a few hours”.

Contact is for the benefit of the child

Contact doesn’t mean a child is sitting on his own for TEN HOURS in his dad’s empty house!