Ex leaving 8 year old son at home alone.

[jt8024]

For context- me and ex split 2 years ago and now live at opposite ends of London. We have one son together who is turning 9 in January. No additional needs, pretty smart kid but has his moments of stupidity like all young boys do. He isn’t a new relationship but lives with his 2 now grown daughters (23 and 19). I’m in a new relationship and very unexpectedly pregnant and due Christmas Day.

We split custody 50/50- 3 days each and swap. We have sorted this out between ourselves, no need for courts and it has worked so far.

Turned up yesterday evening to pick up DS-DS came to the door, seemed a bit shady, shut the door grabbed his bag and came out of the door and shut it behind him so I couldn’t see inside. I told him I wanted to speak to his dad- panicked look in his eye and told me he was in the bath. Thought no more of it.

Fast forward to this morning- get a call from exs neighbour (I lived there with him when we were together and we are still in touch) to be informed he has been leaving DS alone during the weekend/school holidays and when he's at school he’s been coming home and is often on his own up to 2/3 hours until his dad/one of his sisters returns.

I am seething. Had a go at neighbour for not telling me because this has been going on for months apparently but do appreciate it isn’t her fault/she probably felt she was stepping on toes/at least she has finally told me.

Not confronted ex yet and not been able to pick up the phone and talk to anyone else about it. I’m shaking with anger still and I got the call as I came in from the school run at 9.05.

I don’t know what to do. DS is going to throw a tantrum because he’s finding it hard being away from his dad, especially now I have another baby on the way and obviously won’t see the fault in it but I don’t see how I can trust him to be with his Dad anymore.

AIBU?

The neighbour is your eyes and ears here so you need to fix that. if your child was home alone you would want them to feel they could contact the neighbour for help or that the neighbour would intervene, so even if you are annoyed I'd be buying them a gift to apologise and smoothing that over. I'm also surprised a school would let an 8 year old leave and walk home alone so need to find out what is going on there.

I fucking hope not. I’ll feed my ex the internet router if I find he’s been allowing him to play online

You have 50/50 shared care so I imagine he isn’t paying you maintenance.

He clearly doesn’t give a shit about his own child and it’s all about the money.

I see this time and time again.

It is extremely concerning - aside from the safety issues, the enmeshment of the son by the father and his framing of the mother as the enemy of both will create HUGE problems down the line.

My apologies for not reading properly, I thought it was just a few hours and missed the school holidays bit. That is shocking. He can't have 50-50 then as he isn't doing it and will have to pay you maintenance

You are right OP, whole days are not acceptable.

I used too leave my sensible 10yo alone in the house for 2 hours on a Friday, with a phone, a snack and the TV. We had carefully rehearsed what to do in a fire or if he hurt himself or if there was another emergency, but even at 10 he used to get lonely and would occasionally say he wasn't ok.

Eight hours for a 9yo is too long, especially when regularly, day after day. I'd with hold contact until a better arrangement is in place.

3 days in a house then 3 days in another house then 3 days, etc. Poor child. Where can he have roots?

Where does he go to school? near you or the dad? is he being shipped too far from friends? How about sorting an after school club or holiday club where at least he will be with friends?

This is neglect, pure and simple. That is way too long to leave a 9 year old for and regularly. That’s extremely disappointing and I would be fuming too!

No wonder he wants to be at his Dad’s if he had unfettered access to Xbox and whatever junk he wants to eat!

You need that neighbour. Say sorry - buy her some flowers. Tell her you need her.
I would not allow my 11 year old to stay home regularly on her own. Your ex is out of order.

So your neighbour phoned you to tell you but you have a go at them during the same telephone conversation (where said neighbour phoned to tell you) by accusing them of not telling you?? Makes sense! Not!

If I were the neighbour I wouldn't get involved with you again. Why didn't they tell, maybe because they couldn't be 100% sure. Its not their responsibility to stand at their window monitoring other peoples lives

You shown your expectations and therefore I'd no longer be part of the situation

Contact social services: this needs to be escalated

That's way too long to be left alone. Can he not afford holiday club? Is there no family around to help? He would be better off at yours & then just going for weekend visits tbh. If you can facilitate that. I presume you are going on maternity so should be able to have him while you're off work during school hols & after school?

If your ex and the adult daughters are working what arrangements were in place for after school and school holiday's. There's no point in him going to dad's at the weekend if there's no one there, where does dad go .

No wonder people hesitate to report safeguarding issues. The poor neighbour has got it in the neck from you, and will probably get it in the neck from your ex.

Poor kid. My daughter is 8. She’d hate almost every aspect of this. Being left home alone to fend for herself. Having to shuttle between homes every three days. Random man and new baby suddenly appearing in her life.

I know life happens OP but this whole thing isn’t great.

Not to derail but I just want to point out that in the event of parents separating, a child spending half the week with each parent - as long as managed sensibly, is absolutely workable.
I have a friend who does this. Her and her ex live 5 minutes apart and their child has been in this routine for three years. Neither had moved in new partners or their kids, they are very amicable with one another and are absolutely on the same page with parenting. Their child is a very happy, well adjusted child who is doing well at school etc

Yeah I could see that continuing to live close together, with no third parties involved, child coming and going as they please, could work really well.

But that’s not what’s happening here. This child is being shuttled from one end of London to the other every three days and third parties are very much involved.

Where the parents don’t continue to live on each others door steps, you’ll never convince me that 50/50 is in the best interests of the child. They need a home. A base.

It's a tangent, but I feel very sorry for the parents who are trapped in shit relationships because they feel their children couldn't handle divorce. I know a few mums in this situation themselves and they're counting down the days. I guess it shows why resilience is so important.

I agree. It’s an extreme and unpopular opinion but I wouldn’t move a new partner in with me if I was a parent in this arrangement. I don’t think the kids needs are being placed front and centre here at all. Especially not with other children involved.
Although, many parents do do this and perhaps sometimes it can work out ok.
In the instance of this thread, to me, the far more worrying thing is the amount of time this poor boy is left alone

Anyone who suggests this is reasonable needs to seriously give their head a severe wobble.

National Irish child protection guidelines state a minimum of 12+ and I would severely judge anyone stupid enough to put a child in danger.

Christ I despair and the rush to the bottom of parenting.

It's piss poor parenting.

I have an 8 yo I don't even leave him i. The house with his 12yo brother let alone on his own.
Apologise to your neighbour and I'd raise it with school it sounds like neglect and a massive safeguarding issue to me.

I think you need to raise this with social services. If you don't, he's left again and something happens you won't have safeguarded him.