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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront boyfriend about lying?

56 replies

possiblyoverreacting · 11/11/2024 10:48

Been with my partner for a year and we’ve just bought our first house together. When we met, the topic of driving came up and he said he did drive but didn’t have a car. I drive and he lived in a city so it was never an issue. We’ve now moved somewhere more rural and I mentioned that he should really just use my car for work as I WFH and don’t need it during the week now. He was always a bit stand offish about the topic and insisted he enjoys getting the bus. I questioned a few times if the reality is actually that he doesn’t have a license after all, but he reassured me he did. I said it wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t, but the lying to me would.

I’ve just been to look for his bank card to update one of our direct debits, and found his provisional license in his wallet… I don’t want him to think I was snooping, I wasn’t as I’d actually forgotten about the driving license thing since the last conversation we’d had was when he’d assured me he wasn’t lying. Now I’m annoyed! Should I confront him or just forget about it?!

OP posts:
Lyannaa · 11/11/2024 10:49

If someone lies about something then what it shows is that they have the potential to lie about other things.

rubyslippers · 11/11/2024 10:49

A provisional licence doesn’t mean he’s passed a test
I would 100% tackle him about this
being a non driver can be tricky in lots of ways especially if you’re rural!

Mrsttcno1 · 11/11/2024 11:04

I’d bring it up, I think it’s such an odd thing to lie about though especially in a long term relationship, surely he realised that at some point you’d realise he doesn’t drive so he’d have to admit?

TTPDTS · 11/11/2024 11:08

He's maintained that lie for a year and you've now bought a house in a rural area?! Bloody hell id be confronting him! Especially if he's been reassuring you he can drive.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 11/11/2024 11:11

I mean aside from the fact it's absolutely mental to buy a house with someone you've only been with for a year...

I’ve just been to look for his bank card to update one of our direct debits, and found his provisional license in his wallet… I don’t want him to think I was snooping

You've literally just told us you weren't snooping, and you needed his bank card to update a direct debit.

So why can't you just tell him that? 😳

Seashellssanctuary · 11/11/2024 11:13

Lyannaa · 11/11/2024 10:49

If someone lies about something then what it shows is that they have the potential to lie about other things.

Everybody lies about things , some people just tell lies about more serious things than others.

People are actively encouraged on this forum to lie to people in order not to offend them for example

TwattyMcFuckFace · 11/11/2024 11:16

Seashellssanctuary · 11/11/2024 11:13

Everybody lies about things , some people just tell lies about more serious things than others.

People are actively encouraged on this forum to lie to people in order not to offend them for example

Bit stupid to buy a house in a rural area with someone you've lied to about being able to drive though, isn't it?

But then again, it's a bit stupid to buy a house with someone you've only been with for 12 months.

Spondoolies · 11/11/2024 11:20

You could ask him for his license details, say you want to add him to your insurance so if you ever need him to give you a lift somewhere or in case of emergency he can drive your car.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 11/11/2024 11:24

Spondoolies · 11/11/2024 11:20

You could ask him for his license details, say you want to add him to your insurance so if you ever need him to give you a lift somewhere or in case of emergency he can drive your car.

Why? She already has a perfectly legitimate reason for having found his provisional licence?

Anon1274 · 11/11/2024 11:25

Seashellssanctuary · 11/11/2024 11:13

Everybody lies about things , some people just tell lies about more serious things than others.

People are actively encouraged on this forum to lie to people in order not to offend them for example

Sorry, but no way would I be writing this off as ‘everybody lies’. White lies for a good reason, then maybe. But lying about having a driving license for absolutely no reason, and then doubling down instead of admitting it when questioned is just fucking weird. And it’s obviously going to come out at some point, so why continue the lie and make it worse?

happytobee · 11/11/2024 11:26

It’s a bit insane to buy a house with someone you’ve been with for a year, it’s even more insane for someone to keep up with a lie that is going to land them in trouble. This relationship sounds doomed from the beginning OP, I’m not saying break up with him but please keep your finances separate with this man.

TH1NG1E · 11/11/2024 11:26

Seashellssanctuary · 11/11/2024 11:13

Everybody lies about things , some people just tell lies about more serious things than others.

People are actively encouraged on this forum to lie to people in order not to offend them for example

Everybody doesn't lie! I've never lied to my DH about anything, why would I?

BeNavyCrab · 11/11/2024 11:29

I'm wondering if there's something else about it he's not telling you. Like a conviction for driving without a licence, drunk driving or something like that. Why lie in the first place? Usually there's a reason behind a lie, or he's a pathological lier, which is something you need to know asap.

JadziaD · 11/11/2024 11:29

I'd be far more worried about the fact that sure, he can take the bus to work, but if you've moved to a rural area and you are the only driver, you are going to be stuck doing all the shopping, all the errands, all the driving for nights out. What happens next week when you ask him to take the car and do the weekly shop!? Will he carry on lying and finding excuses?

But I agree with others, to buy a house with someone after only a year is a bit crazy. Sorry

Catza · 11/11/2024 11:29

Spondoolies · 11/11/2024 11:20

You could ask him for his license details, say you want to add him to your insurance so if you ever need him to give you a lift somewhere or in case of emergency he can drive your car.

So you suggest OP lies? isn't that just a tad... hypocritical?

Anon1274 · 11/11/2024 11:30

Op you’ve actually just reminded me of something that happened a few years back. My sister was visiting me with a partner who’d been with her a year or so, he gave me a lift to the supermarket and the subject of driving came up, and he said it’s a shame my sister lost her license after her ban. I said to him ‘what license, she failed her test 6 times and never got one’. I realised then that she’d lied about having a license and I’d dropped her in it. It says a lot about her character that she’d literally thought it more impressive to claim she couldn’t drive through a driving ban and not that she couldn’t pass the exam. For more context she’s an utter knob, and I suspect your dp is one too

Spondoolies · 11/11/2024 18:03

Catza · 11/11/2024 11:29

So you suggest OP lies? isn't that just a tad... hypocritical?

Well yes but it’s a way of bringing it up without being derailed and accused of snooping. Alternatively, she could take the licence and leave it somewhere prominent so he knows she’s seen it 😬

Lifelover16 · 11/11/2024 18:09

Just ask him.
He might have put his full licence somewhere else and forgotten he’d left his provisional in his wallet. Although it sounds unlikely…

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 11/11/2024 18:39

You found a provisional licence looking for a bank card to update a direct debit, why on earth not ask him about it? You won't be able to trust him after this unless he tells you what's going on. Maybe he just couldn't get the hang of driving, not everyone can. Maybe he's scared of accidents.
Is he normally cagey about things that embarrass him or is this out of character?

Catza · 12/11/2024 07:59

Spondoolies · 11/11/2024 18:03

Well yes but it’s a way of bringing it up without being derailed and accused of snooping. Alternatively, she could take the licence and leave it somewhere prominent so he knows she’s seen it 😬

Or she could juts talk to him like.. you know.. normal people do in a relationship.

Vissi · 12/11/2024 08:12

Catza · 12/11/2024 07:59

Or she could juts talk to him like.. you know.. normal people do in a relationship.

I think you’d have to be a particular kind of person to engage in a huge commitment like buying a house with a boyfriend you’ve been with for a year — and if they’ve actually bought and moved into the house, they presumably started the process when they’d been together considerably less than a year. Which is lunatic at best.

The OP has just discovered one thing that makes her realise she doesn’t know her boyfriend. I imagine there may be many more.

Which is a long way round to saying that I don’t think many normal people would engage in a huge joint financial commitment with someone they, frankly, don’t know that well.

Didimum · 12/11/2024 08:27

Probably just one of those lies to make himself sound better when you were first together and it ran away from him. Maybe he was embarrassed and then doubly embarrassed when it came up again and he’d never corrected it.

Have you seen the non-drivers threads on MN? People can get pretty horrible about non-drivers.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 12/11/2024 08:29

I gave a full licence and still have my provisional licence too.

Barney16 · 12/11/2024 08:32

As pp have said maybe he is embarrassed that he can't drive? Maybe he thinks he can drive but unluckily never managed to pass his test. Silly really because at some point there will probably be a situation where he absolutely needs to drive and then what will he do?

Roserunner · 12/11/2024 08:33

My DH has a provisional license card still as he lost the paper part before his test, back when you still needed both bits so he had to apply for a replacement and got another card and paper bit so he'd carry his provisional card in his wallet as ID and kept his full licence somewhere safe at home.

It could be something innocent like that but it does sound like he's hiding something.

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