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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront boyfriend about lying?

56 replies

possiblyoverreacting · 11/11/2024 10:48

Been with my partner for a year and we’ve just bought our first house together. When we met, the topic of driving came up and he said he did drive but didn’t have a car. I drive and he lived in a city so it was never an issue. We’ve now moved somewhere more rural and I mentioned that he should really just use my car for work as I WFH and don’t need it during the week now. He was always a bit stand offish about the topic and insisted he enjoys getting the bus. I questioned a few times if the reality is actually that he doesn’t have a license after all, but he reassured me he did. I said it wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t, but the lying to me would.

I’ve just been to look for his bank card to update one of our direct debits, and found his provisional license in his wallet… I don’t want him to think I was snooping, I wasn’t as I’d actually forgotten about the driving license thing since the last conversation we’d had was when he’d assured me he wasn’t lying. Now I’m annoyed! Should I confront him or just forget about it?!

OP posts:
Hekett · 12/11/2024 08:35

He sounds bat shit. What a weird thing to lie about.

MissCordeliasCoats · 12/11/2024 08:36

I think you need to change the word confront to conversation. Personally I would say I did go into your wallet as I needed the bank details (honesty is the best policy) and I found your provisional licence. Do you want to start driving lessons?

Yes he lied, but at least he didn't lie and drive your car. He is probably embarrassed that he can't drive and has possibly sat his test once or twice or couldn't afford driving lessons.

CurlewKate · 12/11/2024 08:37

I'm always amused by "just looking for his depit card" Sure you were! 🤣!

Could be a lie early on that ran away with him (my adult son is embarrassed about not being able to drive). Could be a symptom of something bigger. The only way to find out is to ask.

bifurCAT · 12/11/2024 08:43

I can see both sides here. Many women wouldn't even contemplate being with a guy if he didn't drive, so you can see why he said it.

On the other hand, it was a lie.

I guess it's up to you where this sits on the hierarchy of acceptable lies.

Copperoliverbear · 12/11/2024 08:48

I would tell him you was looking for the card and found a provisional license, I was wondering if he'd had his full license taken away for some reason,
I'd put his name into goggle with the word driving offences and see if anything pops up in the papers.

LaLaLaurie · 12/11/2024 08:58

I’d tell him it didn’t matter and it’s not a big deal. He may relax and then feel able to learn.

I bet it was probably a white lie that went too far.

autienotnaughty · 12/11/2024 09:00

It's a stupid lie. What was his plan? Never drive and hope you forget? Learn to drive secretly?

I'd be concerned that he thinks lying is acceptable and I would struggle to trust him going forward.

Is he a love bomber? It's a bit concerning that you both thought after a handful of months together you should start house hunting. How well do you really know each other?

CurlewKate · 12/11/2024 09:08

@Copperoliverbear "I would tell him you was looking for the card "

He'll know that already, obviously.

Dramatic · 12/11/2024 09:10

I don't know why people are saying it's insane to buy a house with someone after a year, seems a very reasonable timeframe to me. The lying would bother me though. I'd confront him.

coldcallerbaiter · 12/11/2024 09:16

Didimum · 12/11/2024 08:27

Probably just one of those lies to make himself sound better when you were first together and it ran away from him. Maybe he was embarrassed and then doubly embarrassed when it came up again and he’d never corrected it.

Have you seen the non-drivers threads on MN? People can get pretty horrible about non-drivers.

It’s this. Told a lie and then has to maintain it.

He was embarrassed about not driving and the reason why, maybe failed his tests - he might think it’s not manly or whatever.

possiblyoverreacting · 12/11/2024 10:55

I told him about it within 5 mins of him coming home from work last night, I couldn’t keep it in! He’d basically dug himself a hole and didn’t know how to get out of it… he said he’s just never needed to drive, but he’s open to lessons again now that we live a bit more rurally. I was annoyed as I’d said how it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the lying is what didn’t sit right with me. I think he was embarrassed and was trying to make a good impression when we first met, then it spiralled from there!

anyway, all sorted. The house thing, not really relevant but we were both renting and he had money saved for a deposit so instead of him buying a flat then having to sell in a couple of years, we thought it was more sensible to go straight for a house and skip the in between step really!

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 12/11/2024 11:07

possiblyoverreacting · 12/11/2024 10:55

I told him about it within 5 mins of him coming home from work last night, I couldn’t keep it in! He’d basically dug himself a hole and didn’t know how to get out of it… he said he’s just never needed to drive, but he’s open to lessons again now that we live a bit more rurally. I was annoyed as I’d said how it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the lying is what didn’t sit right with me. I think he was embarrassed and was trying to make a good impression when we first met, then it spiralled from there!

anyway, all sorted. The house thing, not really relevant but we were both renting and he had money saved for a deposit so instead of him buying a flat then having to sell in a couple of years, we thought it was more sensible to go straight for a house and skip the in between step really!

So who owns the house, just him or both of you?

Also, the in between bit as you call it, is the most important part surely? That’s the bit where you get to know each other.

JadziaD · 12/11/2024 11:10

but he’s open to lessons again now that we live a bit more rurally

For your sake, I hope that's true. But somewhat to my surprise, this is not the first thread like this I've seen on MN where, it turns out, the DP does NOT, in fact, want to drive, causing significant longer-term issues in the relationship. I hope you aren't going to be back here in 6 months complaining about how he still hasn't started lessons.

I'd also be interested to know how he thought he was goign to continue to hide it from you? What would have happened when it was his turn to do the Sainsburys or Ikea run? Or you announced you were having a drink so it's his turn to drive. Had you added hi mto your insurance already?

possiblyoverreacting · 12/11/2024 11:20

@TwattyMcFuckFace both of us own it. I meant skip the in between bit of him having to buy a flat, pay additional tax then sell again when we both knew we wanted to live together.

OP posts:
possiblyoverreacting · 12/11/2024 11:21

@JadziaD hadnt added him to the insurance, but I did ask him what he thought was going to happen if I did! It was always going to come out so it was silly not to just come clean.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 12/11/2024 11:25

rubyslippers · 11/11/2024 10:49

A provisional licence doesn’t mean he’s passed a test
I would 100% tackle him about this
being a non driver can be tricky in lots of ways especially if you’re rural!

It means he hasn't passed his test!

MissUltraViolet · 12/11/2024 11:30

Bought a house together after dating for only a year, he's already been caught lying throughout your relationship about something stupid...

See you soon for your next thread OP!

potatocakesinprogress · 12/11/2024 11:40

He's probably just embarrassed, I don't think it's a big deal at all. People are so miserable on here they want there to be drama to make themselves feel better about their own lives.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 12/11/2024 13:33

Initially he may have been embarrassed that he didn't drive so told a fib, he did have a provisional. Now it's actually important and he's stuck with the lie. Assuming he doesn't actually have a full licence (just kept the provisional as well) it needs to come out so he can get one.

Necky1 · 12/11/2024 13:40

Do not become his driver now you know the truth.
Do not have children with a non driver, when there is no medical reason.
You will bitterly regret being the sole driver.
That is a huge lie he told.
I would not be impressed, particularly as you are livibg further out from the city.

JadziaD · 12/11/2024 13:54

twomanyfrogsinabox · 12/11/2024 13:33

Initially he may have been embarrassed that he didn't drive so told a fib, he did have a provisional. Now it's actually important and he's stuck with the lie. Assuming he doesn't actually have a full licence (just kept the provisional as well) it needs to come out so he can get one.

Someone once told me that her first boss had a policy, "never ever lie to a client... unless you can make the lie a truth before it becomes a problem."

I'd say that if OP's DP had lived by this advice, fair enough. eg he told a white lie, and then didn't know how to get out of it. Except... it's easy to get out of. He could have quietly sorted himself out and got an actual license at any point over the last year, particularly after they decided to move in together to a more rural location!

TwattyMcFuckFace · 12/11/2024 13:55

How does he get to and from work at the moment, OP?

Mathsbabe · 12/11/2024 21:38

I got engaged after 3 weeks and married 8 months after meeting. Still together 45 years later. A whole year sounds positively cautious to me.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 12/11/2024 21:53

Mathsbabe · 12/11/2024 21:38

I got engaged after 3 weeks and married 8 months after meeting. Still together 45 years later. A whole year sounds positively cautious to me.

Yes, well it would do.

But I'm sure even you can understand it's quite silly behaviour.

As the OP is only just finding out.

NotaCoolMum · 12/11/2024 21:57
Season 6 What GIF by The Office

You BOUGHT a house with a man you’ve been with for ONE YEAR?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

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