Am I being sensitive about my mother's comments about my weight while pregnant?

[showersandflowers]

I recently told my mum I'm pregnant with my second. She's very happy and supportive. But she's also immediately started making comments about my weight. Examples:

After I threw up while visiting she said "it's so funny that you throw up so much and yet you're putting on so much weight!"

She came round one afternoon and one of her first questions was "how's everything, how much weight have you put on?" (I answered that I didn't know because I don't weight myself)

She's a bit of an almond mum, obsessed with diets and fitness. I'm pretty cool mostly but this is getting to me a bit. Yes, I'm gaining. I have no idea how much but I'd guess a few kilos at this point.

Am I being overly sensitive because of pregnancy hormones? I seriously don't know.

If you think it is out of order, can anyone suggest ways of shutting her down without upsetting her? I think she's been very sensitive about her weight her whole life so I think this is just concern manifesting itself in rudeness.

Firstly, congratulations! You'll encounter many random and unexpected interactions with well intentioned family and friends through pregnancy and when little one is here so you need to start asserting boundaries now of how you will and will not be spoken to and treated. Next time she brings it up or makes a comment be prepared with a short one liner such as "yes, I've put on weight, there's a whole baby in there!" Said with a laugh and smile. If she starts pushing more just cut her off "oh mum, change the record. I'm not sure if you're deliberately trying to make me feel self-conscious, but that's how these comments always end up so no more, please. Now, cup of tea...?" If she still pursues stand firm and don't be so polite. You have 9 months to start reframing your relationship from daughter-mum to woman-woman. It's hard but easier to deal with it now than when baby is here and hormones involved. Enjoy your pregnancy.

My mum is the same.

I told her that the only weight she was allowed to bring up in my presence was her own, or she wouldn't be welcome in my home.

It worked and I only had to remind her once.

I don't believe in dancing around the topic and people like them need to be given a very clear and firm boundary.
The way she is speaking is inappropriate at best, or nasty.

I wouldn't put up with that.

Keep replying that as you're an adult, your weight is none of her business. Every single time.

She's preoccupied by weight and projecting that on to you. Nothing is going to change the habits of a lifetime and prevent weight being front and centre of her thoughts. She is also an unfortunate result of attitudes prevelent in her generation. I'm probably her age and remember well that weight was a really big deal throughout pregnancy. I had midwives advising on how not to put on more than a certain amount, telling me very bluntly that the baby was a few ounces and the rest was me, and I'd struggle to get my figure back etc and i only gained two stone total. My point, she absolutely shouldnt be saying these things to you, but its likely more conditioning than desire to hurt. If it were me id tell her times have changed and we dont mention weight now. Its considered rude.

Mu sister in law told me that I was enormous when I was one week postpartum and extremely hormonal

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive. Some people all they think about is weight, diet, etc… it’s the focal point of THEIR existence!!

I put 4.5 stones on during pregnancy (3.5 in the last trimester) and I was sick every day and hardly eating anything by the end. Had so much judgement from everyone and told to stop eating so much!

The day my son was born, I stepped on some scales I found down the corridor - could not resist!!! Had lost 2.5 stones straight away. The following week another stone. The last stone did take effort to lose and I blame the dry cereal and bread I was reduced to eating for the last month or so, but everything else weight wise was pregnancy related.

Response:

Please can you stop projecting your own issues with weight on me.

Thank you for the advice and good wishes. Yes, softly softly approach sounds good because like I said I think she is the victim of the societal pressure to always be skinny, no matter what.

Well done you for sticking up for yourself! I'm sorry that happened also. I think as we grow older we will all have those things that the next generation find (usually rightly) unacceptable and I think that's what's going on with her. In her day, it was acceptable for people to tell her to not gain weight. Now, I think we're a bit more open to it so yes, I admire you for setting that boundary.

That's awful, I'm so sorry. I do think it's the same for her and thank you for sharing this because it's good to know exactly where she might be coming from.

Omfg, I'm so sorry. As if you didn't have enough going on...

It's exactly that, it's projecting. But the timing is awful. My mum is also the type who last week after I gave my daughter sausages for dinner said "ohhh I'd love sausages but they are a bit naughty!". She hasn't eaten sausages in years because of the calories. And I had to do some real explaining to my toddler to make sure she in no way internalised that (naughty in her world means something entirely else!).

@showersandflowers just curious as to how old your mum is - because I’m in my 50s and not of an era where this would be acceptable to comment on everything you eat etc. My mum in her 70s wouldn’t bring it up either.

I’d say this is a your mum thing rather than society etc. Most folks evolve and learn and change as they age through added experiences.

I’d also ask her to stop now with the comments in front of your children about certain food types being naughty and explain your children have a balanced diet and they don’t need to develop food insecurities.

I agree with this. My DM was/is the same and I'm inordinately grateful that she wasn't around to witness my own admittedly enormous weight gain during pregnancy. She told my sister her calves looked fat in her jeans about two months after having her youngest (she was wearing a size 12 at the time). Absolutely bonkers behaviour.

Stamp on it now using the words above!

She's on her 60s now. Always a very beautiful and slim woman but I don't think for lack of trying. Her mother (my grandmother), even when she was dying and weighed about 6 stone at the end of her life refused to eat pancakes because she didn't want to put on weight...

Yes, totally agree on my daughter. I had an eating disorder all though my teens due to my mums attitude which I've fought hard to over come and don't need that being imposed on my daughter either.

@HarkALark what an awful thing to say. After the birth of my first, about 3 months in my mother also commented on how fat and swollen my ankles were (I was actually back in my size 10 jeans by then..) so I completely sympathise. She was so shocked she was actually concerned I may have something wrong with me. I didn't... I was just "fat" according to her standards...

Well I had a friend who had a mother like this. She started hitting the gym while barely eight weeks pregnant, her body was not used to the level of exercise that she was doing. She had a miscarriage weeks later and could never conceive again.

Yes absolutely she could have miscarried anyway, but that is something no one will get to know.

@showersandflowers It's such a dreadful worldview to internalise. My DMs attitudes to my weight have had such an impact on my self-confidence. I've always had disordered eating, restricting my intake and then often bingeing when I felt low. Pregnancy was such blessed freedom to eat what I wanted and not feel judged.

I can't believe that your mum still makes comments about your weight knowing you have had an eating disorder due to her attitude to food.

You also don't want your daughter picking up on this harmful attitude to food and weight.

She is projecting her obsessions onto you. My French MIL used to make comments about my weight like don't you want loose weight for us. Like I am a reflection of her life choices. It was a long time ago. Now she leaves me alone and we get on well.

You are pregnant. By definition you are not meant to diet. Plus when you feel icky, sick, shattered sometimes you can only eat certain foods etc. but you are not meant to diet. She needs to leave you the hell alone with her private obsessions.

Since austerity in Scotland the number of premature and underweight babies shot up because pregnant women cannot afford healthy, balanced diets. Worth reminding your mom is she wants healthy, bouncing grandkids she needs to let you grow them in peace.

This in spades. Couldn't have put it better myself. Mums and nans (pre 1990s) always seemed obsessed with weight. (In fact, many women 45-50+ did!)

My mum said I was the size of a hippo and would never get my figure back (at 8 months pregnant, as I had gained 4 stone.)

My mum's neighbour asked when I was going to lose 'all that fat' when my first child was 9 days old.

A colleague of DH's said (when I was eating a scone in a local café) 'stop stuffing your face, you don't want to spend a lifetime fat! You've gained a lot of weight during your pregnancy!' DH was like >>> and said 'For fuck's sake leave her alone. If you can't eat what you want when you're pregnant there's something wrong!'

And my aunt said I have a really podgy face - when I was 3 months pregnant (I had only just announced the pregnancy.) She said 'your face will be like the moon at this rate!'

Got the same shit when I had my second child.

This was all mid 1990s.

Why do so many people (mostly middle aged and older women) think it's OK to comment like this? What the fuck is wrong with them? I thought it was a thing from the past but judging by @showersandflowers's post, it's not!

By the way, I lost 'all my fat' by the time my baby was 6 months old. Both times!

OP, as has been said, you need to put your foot down, and tell her shut up commenting on your weight or you won't be seeing her again!

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this book: Fat Talk by Virginnia Sole Smith. My mum is a very slim woman who places a lot of value in how she looks, and while she would never make a comment about my weight, I'm aware of how messages about weight come in direct and indirect forms. In fact, she is always complementary about my figure (despite like looking like a giant next to her). But I was always aware of her eating hardly anything as i was growing up. The book I mentioned covers all this, about how children learn the 'rights and wrongs' of food.

My MIL on the other hand is about my size and has no qualms about commenting on me putting on weight or how much I enjoy my food. I've been direct with her and said we don't comment on other people's bodies, and given the reason why (about children picking up on this.) The book gave mr some ideas about how to address this. Also, it gave me ideas about how I talk about my body in front of the kids eg I'm the perfect size for me.

I'd be using the nhs guidelines to back up what I was telling my mum.

Eg the health visitor said my weight is healthy for this stage in my pregnancy. Or
my bmi is actually on the low side so there no need to be concerned.

Or whatever. It's about health. Not weight.

I remember when I had my eldest in 1990 I was told that you should only put on 2 stone with the very definite unspoken rider of " so if you put on more, you're a greedy lardarse". Not nice.

Eta.....this was by a midwife who wasn't exactly twiggy herself!

Oh my goodness, sausages are a bit naughty!!!!
What exactly does your mum eat?!
What deos she think your toddler should be eating?!
I dont eat red meat now due to bowel issues but I eat chicken sausages once a week!
My boys also eat pork sausages weekly!
Its just food mum!
Just say that there are to be no comments made about food or weight

YANBU, I don't get why anyone feels it is appropriate to comment on anyone else's weight let alone when they are pregnant. Time to have a firm conversation with your mum and put in the boundaries. Next time she mentions it you very clearly say mum I don't want you to mention or discuss weight/size/diet, I am not okay with it so please stop, and if you do I will be changing the conversation. And mean what you say and pull her up on it every time and put a firm end to the conversation. If she continues to disrespect this boundary then that's a further point to consider when you cross that bridge.