Backstory: I have a chronic illness which has been diagnosed for almost a decade. For transparency, it's endometriosis - I am sometimes bedbound with it and suffer a lot of pain and fatigue. I have had two surgeries and am on the pill as treatment but obviously these can only manage symptoms.
My SIL gave birth to my nephew just before my diagnosis. At the time I was still fairly functioning, except I wasn't really well enough to travel long distances (I couldn't make it to MIL's funeral because of a flare). We built a good relationship with the baby/toddler. She appointed us as his guardians. We visited them for weekends during the holidays (two hour journey). Sometimes they would visit us but just for the afternoon.
Over COVID my condition got worse. My mum went into hospital in 2021 and found out she had stage four secondary cancer. She was given six months but passed away three months later. She wanted a non-funeral, so we did a cremation with her closest two sisters, my uncle, me and DH present. We invited SIL and her partner but they didn't come.
I then had to sort out my mum's small estate (no siblings) and sell her house. So that year was very stressful and my illness got worse again. We tried to make it over to SIL for Xmas but it was too much for me. She was furious about this and when we called her she sat in silence and tears before screaming at us because our nephew was disappointed. I apologised a lot and things seemed to be ok afterwards. Nephew is now 7 and can understand reasons why people have to cancel things etc.
Last year, I had other health problems including a full gastro investigation due to cancer markers and a breast cancer scare which put me on the two week pathway. We tried to visit again but my body kept failing me. I was also getting anxiety about letting my nephew down which made it worse. A couple of times DH went to visit by himself. Finally, we meant to go during last October but couldn't because of floods in our area. SIL said it was fine, but a day later DH's dad phoned him and yelled down the phone that we needed to get our act together and stop disappointing my nephew. DH does not get on with his dad as he's xenophobic/racist and has never really shown love for him.
DH was angry, and upset after the phone call. I called SIL and told her again how I take full responsibility for all this despite being ill, I am trying so hard to manage my symptoms and do better but DH is just trying to balance everyone and it's not fair to tell him to fix it. I said I thought she understood that I was ill.She raised her voice and went into a rage at me. She said:
-No, I don't understand at all.
-You need to listen and you need to look long and hard at yourself and how everyone else sees you.
-You need to fucking sort it out, fucking sort yourself out, I don't care.
When I tried to calmly get a word in she just kept screaming. She said the previous Xmas I had treated them with huge disrespect and I disrespect everyone constantly.
She then told me I had always been like this, that I manipulate people, that I manipulate DH She said 'don't you dare tell me it's all in my head, don't ever say that to any of my family, or DH.' I asked what she meant and she said I put things in his head. She said I was the reason DH didn't visit his DM enough when she had cancer (he was actually avoiding his DF, it was a 5 hour journey and we had no car, and his relationship with his parents has been distant for a long time, they never called him, never visited ever since he moved away to uni etc - none of these things are anything to do with me).
DH overheard what SIL said and took the phone from me. She kept talking about me to him. For some reason she wasn't finished destroying me. She said I was spoiled, immature and she was convinced I'm lying about being ill because 'my symptoms are always different' (they're not, I just have a lot of symptoms). She said she hates me coming to stay because I sometimes bring my own food (just different bread or milk because I have dietary intolerances) and she finds it very rude and offensive.DH said she had no empathy and hung up.
She never approached to mend things even though we sent apologies for our part. She was visiting our town a few months later and asked to meet DH but did not apologise and just said (shouted) the same things she had said on the phone. DH eventually walked away.
Since then we have gradually been able to speak to SIL's partner (she knows about it) and have video calls with my nephew. SIL's partner seems to think she has overreacted but doesn't know what else to do about it. The big fallout was a year ago and she hasn't spoken a word to me or been on a call since that time.
I feel like she has always hated me even before I got ill, but we used to get along and she would send nice messages for my birthday etc so I feel it's probably my fault and I fucked up. Their dad also has several illnesses so I thought that kind of thing was understood but they've never seemed to grasp it with my stuff.
I will also add that we planned to have our own children but my endometriosis gave me fertility issues and we decided not to pursue IVF when we were offered it because I am now almost 40 and it seemed a big ordeal to go through. SIL knows this and that our relationship with our nephew has been both wonderful and sad knowing we can't have our own child.
Anyway, apologies for the long post but I guess I'm just asking if IABU? At this point I don't know if we'll ever see my nephew in person again.