Christmas became a family obligation

[Magicunicornpower]

My PIL, me and my husband, my SIL, husband and their son, now 18 yo, together for Christmas since I joined the family, apart from 2 of these years that DH and I, now with a 4yo, spent it with my parents in my home country.
This year we decided to do something we've been talking about for some time, spending Christmas with dear friends that have a DS same age as our DD for Christmas holidays (5days) The main reason to want something different this year is that we are frankly fed up of trying to get the spirits high during the hours we are at PIL till we are all invited to leave as PIL eventually get tired (although they refuse to have us hosting Christmas) SIL also makes the move just after opening the presents. By 6pm we are at home, after 3/4h seated on the sofa watching tv and trying to avoid inevitable boredom from our DD.
To avoid PIL disappointment we planned celebrating our child's birthday, that is a few days before Christmas, with a nice family lunch, presents etc. A bit of a 2 in1 family celebration. We've done the same over the years we celebrated abroad with my parents.
Now MIL is making us feel guilty as she wants to build Christmas memories with our DD and celebrating Christmas a week before Christmas is not the same (fair enough) However, we also want to make memories with our DD and we want her to have fun, and excitement and remember Christmas as something more than opening presents. We argued that PIL will have plenty of time during Christmas holidays to take her out to see Santa, Christmas lights etc... but FIL can't be bothered not even to show up for a playdate with her and MIL says she can't drive far from our area as she gets lost! All this drama for one day in the calendar when there's another 364days of the year that they can show interest in making memories! So the question is AIBU in wanting a Christmas that pleases our family of 3 at least for once!

Yanbu. The in-laws might even find it a relief to be freed from the obligation to host!

No one should feel obliged to do something they don't want to every year - don't let them guilt trip you and enjoy your Christmas.

I've noticed as children get older the draw of the grandparents house becomes less and less. My brother one year declared they would do Christmas at home as a family of 4 and never came again!

A few years later DHs brother did the same thing. Prior to that BIL would rock up to PIL house a few days early and bed in for almost a week with the kids. They clearly enjoyed the extra help with them, and having their meals cooked for them. Once the kids grew up they decided it wasn't worth the formality of Christmas Day and now they don't show up until Boxing Day, then they're in/out same day or next day.

Ultimately people want to relax Christmas Day and it's not relaxing being in someone else's home, nor is it waking up in yours and driving to someone else's. Let the kids run riot and enjoy relaxing with your friends! Life is too short!

You've politely told them your plans. If they continue to give you a hard time about it, be completely honest about why this year will be different. If they can't understand your reasoning, tell them the it's not up for discussion.

Quick update as I really would like to hear what other MIL/ grandmothers on mumsnet would think if their children decides to take a Christmas break away from the traditional family Christmas dinner. DH is gutted as his family is making a big drama about this. They are really playing the victim card and making him feel very selfish. He considered cancelling holidays now.

I am a grandmother and my adult married daughter comes for Christmas day every year . She lives a few minutes away with her young family so that makes it easy but over the years various family members have come to stay for up.to a fortnight. .I love hosting but there is no obligation at all on anyone. I have to accept that my own children are ( mostly ) adults and have their own lives and if they choose to do it differently one year ( or every year ) that is their prerogative. Your children are little for such a short time so do what you want . They are being v unreasonable esp.as they don't even make much effort. Your children come first x

Your in-laws desire to “make memories” should not override your desire to do the same. To be honest, if I was guilt-tripped like that I would dig my heels in more and do what I wanted. It doesn’t sound like it’s a very enjoyable Christmas for you with PIL, it’s your Christmas too.

Your DH can do as he pleases but you can go with your DD on your holiday. Your PIL are being very unreasonable and really your DH knows this.

Be calm with him - tell him that you will be going away anyway and he's welcome to go to his parents or come with you. Rince and repeat as necessary.

All this 'building memories' is just a way to guilt you.

Tell you what op, my kids are 15&12
and this Christmas will by the second Christmas EVER on our own - break this habit now.

I automatically harden my resolve against anyone who tries to guilt trip me into always doing what they want. Laying on the guilts is a selfish thing to do. Why waste time worrying about the wishes of people who don't care about your wishes, in return?

If you cancel your holiday, you will resent them for forcing you into it - this won't make for a happy Christmas.

Your dh is struggling because he has the emotional bonds to his family that you don't share in the same way - doesn't mean you should allow yourselves to be manipulated by them though.

that’s fair enough but I hope your DB and BIL reciprocated for all of the years they were hosted and invited the GPs to them instead!

Tell them they can build memories the week before
no memories are made sitting on a sofa
it’s up to them if they can’t be arsed …

I'm both mil and gp.

Don't give in to them and tell your husband to bloody grow up.

Both of my children are abroad this year so I've just made other arrangements. It's not like they're going to be sitting there on their own is it! All this making memories stuff is just rubbish anyway.

No one can "make" you or your husband feel anything (I know that whilst this is the truth it sometimes doesn't feel like it!) but between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time.

And if you don't go and stick to your guns then nothing will happen - what will they do, cut you off - that would be counterproductive. My view would be to shut the conversation down. We are doing x, I'm not discussing it mum/dad and change the subject. Shut it down every time, they think they can wear you down, need to be clear that you are not changing. Are they emotionally devious - will one of them pretend to be ill?

I agree with you, the drama for one day is stupid isn't it.

As a one off it is fine to bypass family at Christmas and have a beaut holiday with friends.
I think it is really mean spirited to make a habit of it.

Christmas is special for families. You can change the family customs to include things you want. And you can offer to host, take it in turns etc. but leaving older members of the family alone is not an option I'd ever consider.

Have a lovely Christmas your way this year.

Before Christmas, have a discussion with the other parents about number/type of gifts their DC is getting and when they open presents. Just to avoid a situation where one child has a huge pile of things to open and the other has a small stocking or one child receives a gift the other desperately wanted.

ask your h where he spent xmas as a child? was every year at his maternal grandparents' house?

stick to your guns and start a new habit of rotating where you go each year. that way every gets a year of what they want.

Surely he must recognise it's not normally possible to spend every year in the same place - many of us are stuck alternating between two sets of parents for example!

You can't get what you want all the time - and that includes our parents, and his parents.

When my son was born we spent a couple of years doing long drives, alternating, and not having much fun. Now we always spend christmas day at ours. Much better.

We had a similar situation with my PIL when our DC were small. PIL wanted every Christmas to be a re-run of when DH was small (basically sitting around all day very slowly opening presents, but not playing with any of them, and watching old TV specials). I got very irritated that they were not willing to adjust what they did on Xmas day and that they argued that it was 'just one day' when they wanted us to do things their way but 'the most important day of the year' if we suggested seeing them on a different day. We stuck it out and invited them to come to us (so no one was being left out) and did things our way (presents opened when DC want to, lots of playing with new toys, trip to the park after lunch for anyone who wants some fresh air etc). After the first year they accepted it and I think actually quite enjoyed a change of scenery/not having to cook etc.

We wouldn’t leave PIL alone either - but we don’t offer to host now our DC are older, we insist on hosting. Once DS1 had a girlfriend and obviously wanted to spend some time with her we said we needed to be at home, not 80 miles away. We also decide whether we’re cooking at lunchtime or 5-6 - depends on what DC are doing. We’ve had a little attempt to pushback on us not going to them and on dinner at 5-6, but we just say that’s how it will be. I always had Christmas dinner at 5-6 when I was a kid, whether at home or DGPs, and DH likes it at that time as well now, but don’t mind lunchtime if that works. I keep smiling and cheery and welcoming - but I don’t be dictated to just because something was a habit in DH’s family.

OP, your husband is being guilted by his parents who are selfish.

You get to decide about your Christmas and your childs day.

TELL your husband that YOU are going to friends and HE can go to his parents.

Stop being controlled and manipulated.

They won't be alone, their daughters family will be with them as every year

So when does your child and your family get to have the Christmas and traditions that YOU want? When your kids are all grown up and then you realise it's too late ? Just stop this nonsense now. They will get over it and by next year it will be so much easier to do it again.

This happens a lot, and for me the time to stop it is when your own DCs arrive and you begin to make your own traditions - which can still include your own parents of course

Yes they may be disappointed to start with, but you might as well be firm or you'll still be in the same situation years down the line, especially if they learn that making a huge fuss will change your minds

We have 5 children and 5 grandchildren between us. Every Christmas we have a chat about who is doing what and where-sometimes we go to one of the childrens, sometimes they come to us, sometimes they have a friends Christmas, sometimes they're oversees or away. We supply the meat for the dinner so we just need to know where and how many to cater for turkey- wise. I can't be doing with "it's our turn this year, you went to xyz last year" but I do appreciate we are not necessarily the norm!