MIL let’s herself in to our house

[Kelwar]

Hi all,

just wanted to see what you guys think of my current situation with my MIL.
She’s a strong personality.. and my husband and I had a toe to toe with her 20 odd years ago due to her making relentless snide comments. When my husband confronted her, she caused a huge family rift involving his sister (who at that time took their mums side) resulting in our children and my SIL’s children not really growing up together..MIL screamed at my husband for daring to question her motives at that time.
Things simmered down between us all.. my DH and his sister get along ok and we know his sister now realises their mother is a bit of a cow at times.
There is history of difficult behaviour with MiL.. my FIL (who was lovely) passed away 8 years ago.
I appreciate my MIL can get lonely at times even though she keeps relatively busy so she spends time with our family having dinners and my husband pops down to see her every weekend.. I can’t actually do every weekend as she does my head in.. but hubby helps her with her insurances etc and odd jobs around her house.. to be honest the jobs are ridiculous things such as re setting her digital clock… things I know she is more than capable of doing herself… but she’ll call him to help her just to get him to pop by.
About a year ago she started turning up at our house unannounced bringing with her cakes and treats for us all.. sounds nice right? But I found it was her way of coming over.. and in all honesty a bit intrusive.
2 weeks ago, we were all up upstairs getting ready and playing with our new kitten when our dog starts barking and we realised MiL had let herself into our house and was wondering around our kitchen. I tried not to think too much of it as maybe we hadn’t heard the front door knocking..
On Thursday I got home from work and noticed there were some sausage rolls I hadn’t bought in our fridge. Thought my hubby had bought them so again didn’t think about it until yesterday we took MIL for lunch and she asked my children if they had enjoyed the sausage rolls she’d left in our fridge. As it turns out, she had popped over (my husband works from home) had let herself in, played with our kitten and left the food behind in our fridge.. hubby hadn’t even realised she had been in the house as he had been on a call .. but she boldly declares her intrusion over lunch like it’s normal.
I mentioned to my husband that I feel she is over stepping a boundary and that she has no right to just walk into our home like that. His response was that we do that at her home.. but I pointed out that that is his family home and I would never just let myself into her home without him being there.. for me it’s a woman thing and respect.. she’s never lived here and therefore doesn’t have the right to just let herself in..in truth I know he probably agrees with me but is too scared to confront her as she is not a woman you can talk to without her going mad.
AIBU or is this normal for families to just walk in to each others homes?
She didn’t used to do this to my knowledge so not sure what is going on?
I feel like she’s trying to exert her place within our family... she does present herself in a grandiose way anyway and I’ve always felt like she is expects to be no1 in my husbands life.. it has caused many problems within our marriage over the years..
What can we do other than lock our door all the time?

I'd nip that in the bud straight away. Too much

That's really intrusive of her to try and open her 17 year old grandson's bedroom door. Teenagers need privacy and that is really crossing a boundary. You definitely need to speak to her about that.

My MIL is a force to be reckoned with.. some mothers are delightful and really just enjoy being a part of their children’s family which is great.. some mothers come with an air of expectation and a sense of duty and control… there’s a difference

Lock the doors

I'm mean, of all the problems that has the most obvious solution.

Someone comes in my house. I leave my doors unlocked so they can.

Lock the doors.

Ok then. How come I didn't think of that?

🙄🙄🙄😒

We are a family who knock on doors and ring doorbells and wait when visiting people.
PIL don’t, which was awkward when we were younger, so locked doors and a chain remedied the situation.
I found it incredibly rude that someone would just walk into your house unannounced.

The fact that your DH was unaware of her presence while she was opening the fridge, playing with the kitten etc demonstrates that you need to lock your door.

Plenty of chancers try people’s doors and grab what they can reach.

I wouldn't put up with anyone letting themselves into my house without permission and would either ask for my key back or change the lock. But you're in a bit of a difficult position if your husband lets himself into your MIL's house.

Yes it is a bit tricky.. I’ll ask him to perhaps knock when he goes over there so it’s fair.. although thinking as a mum myself.. I wouldn’t have a problem with my children just letting themselves into our/their home even when they have moved out and started their own families.. this will always be their base if they need it.. but I wouldn’t dream of letting myself into my son and his wife’s house.. simply because it was never my home and I know his wife probably wouldn’t like it.. thank you though.. I think if we all respect one another’s boundaries that would be simplest way to address the issue..x

Well, I'm assuming that your doors are always locked, to keep out random intruders etc. So just change the locks and don't give her a key. If she comes round without an invitation, either don't answer, or go to the door and say it's not convenient. Don't let her in! Be polite, but consistent.

Key or no key etc, I find it odd that she comes in, knowing your DH is home and says nothing just in and out, that's very odd and unsettling.

Normal. I do this and vice versa

My parents, before I went nc, used to do this. They had a key for emergencies. That got removed when I came home from having my 2nd child via c section and they had let themselves and other members into my home, taken all the seats, made a total mess of my home (god knows how long they had been there) and nobody even offered to get up and let me sit down. 2 days post c-section in my own home.

I handed baby to my husband and then told them all to leave and leave the key behind. Nobody has ever had a key to our home since.

in your case id simply start locking the doors.

Nonsense. We all have keys to each other's houses, but they're for emergencies or for holiday plant-sitting. We wouldn't dream of letting ourselves in without prior agreement. Particularly when it's unannounced. What's wrong with ringing the bell like a civilized person?

That’s so outrageous.. totally overstepping the mark.. and to make a mess in the process when you’ve just had baby and a c section.. no wonder you’ve gone NC.. although I’m sure there’s loads more to your situation.. x

In all honesty I would exchange the locks to one that needs a key to get in. A lot easier to get used to as far as household habits go rather than having to lock from the inside every time you get home - now that would be a pita for everybody (and easily forgotten!)

He was probably on the phone and she didn’t want to disturb him.. even so, the whole thing is just a bit off.. my own mum wouldn’t just walk in to our home like that.. I just feel she lacks respect for me in general.. in the past she has said some outrageous things about my family (she hates my mother) and about me.. but she did the same to my DH ex wife. Nobody is good enough for her son... even though we’ve been together 24 years!
she overstepped boundaries with my SIL when they had their first child and her husband had to step in and tell her to back off.. she has form for being intrusive and overbearing.. if she wasn’t and was just a normal mum who adored us all I probably wouldn’t have such a problem with it.. but I know deep down she doesn’t like me much.
That doesn’t help the situation.

Tell your husband you can't possibly have sex as you're constantly on edge wondering if every little noise might be MIL opening the bedroom door.

You don't get to tell me or my family how to live our lives. We are not exactly barging in on you so you don't get to say what is and isn't nonsense about how we do things.

So . . . you've given this very difficult and cantankerous woman the means to enter your house without your knowledge and you are complaining that she does this.

Oh dear.. I didn’t want this to become some kind of argument.. seems some people are looking for an online scrap.. we don’t know one another so it’s really not necessary to take our frustrations on strangers..

There is a difference between ‘means’ and ‘permission’..

What’s a toe to toe? (missing point entirely 😁)

Argument…

My in-laws used to do this and refused to use the doorbell. In the end, we asked for the key back saying that we needed another spare urgently for the cleaner. There were a few mutterings about when they’d get a new one, but that died down after a few months.

I'd lock the door and say nothing.

Next time she tries to come in, she'll have to ring the bell.

When she asks why, you have the perfect excuse of "we realised that we can't depend on the dogs to bark if someone were to walk in, and we can't be sure we'd hear the intruder, so it is safer to lock up"

Delivered with an innocent smile.