MIL let’s herself in to our house

[Kelwar]

Hi all,

just wanted to see what you guys think of my current situation with my MIL.
She’s a strong personality.. and my husband and I had a toe to toe with her 20 odd years ago due to her making relentless snide comments. When my husband confronted her, she caused a huge family rift involving his sister (who at that time took their mums side) resulting in our children and my SIL’s children not really growing up together..MIL screamed at my husband for daring to question her motives at that time.
Things simmered down between us all.. my DH and his sister get along ok and we know his sister now realises their mother is a bit of a cow at times.
There is history of difficult behaviour with MiL.. my FIL (who was lovely) passed away 8 years ago.
I appreciate my MIL can get lonely at times even though she keeps relatively busy so she spends time with our family having dinners and my husband pops down to see her every weekend.. I can’t actually do every weekend as she does my head in.. but hubby helps her with her insurances etc and odd jobs around her house.. to be honest the jobs are ridiculous things such as re setting her digital clock… things I know she is more than capable of doing herself… but she’ll call him to help her just to get him to pop by.
About a year ago she started turning up at our house unannounced bringing with her cakes and treats for us all.. sounds nice right? But I found it was her way of coming over.. and in all honesty a bit intrusive.
2 weeks ago, we were all up upstairs getting ready and playing with our new kitten when our dog starts barking and we realised MiL had let herself into our house and was wondering around our kitchen. I tried not to think too much of it as maybe we hadn’t heard the front door knocking..
On Thursday I got home from work and noticed there were some sausage rolls I hadn’t bought in our fridge. Thought my hubby had bought them so again didn’t think about it until yesterday we took MIL for lunch and she asked my children if they had enjoyed the sausage rolls she’d left in our fridge. As it turns out, she had popped over (my husband works from home) had let herself in, played with our kitten and left the food behind in our fridge.. hubby hadn’t even realised she had been in the house as he had been on a call .. but she boldly declares her intrusion over lunch like it’s normal.
I mentioned to my husband that I feel she is over stepping a boundary and that she has no right to just walk into our home like that. His response was that we do that at her home.. but I pointed out that that is his family home and I would never just let myself into her home without him being there.. for me it’s a woman thing and respect.. she’s never lived here and therefore doesn’t have the right to just let herself in..in truth I know he probably agrees with me but is too scared to confront her as she is not a woman you can talk to without her going mad.
AIBU or is this normal for families to just walk in to each others homes?
She didn’t used to do this to my knowledge so not sure what is going on?
I feel like she’s trying to exert her place within our family... she does present herself in a grandiose way anyway and I’ve always felt like she is expects to be no1 in my husbands life.. it has caused many problems within our marriage over the years..
What can we do other than lock our door all the time?

Change the locks! Why does she even need a key?

Lock your door

A chain might help.
However it’s not abnormal for family members to let themselves in, my family certainly do.. yelling out a greeting as they do so. So it’s not unreasonable for her to think it’s normal, but given your relationship I can see why you think it’s a pain.

It’s a bit weird (so is referring to not liking it as a ‘woman thing’, wtf? 😂) given your history. My family and my in laws all just let themselves in, some with their own keys, but we’re all very close and have no long standing issues. Honestly the easy answer is to just lock your door. It’s not really hard. I say that as someone who’s gone a lifetime not locking the door very much at all (on a farm, pretty safe!) to keeping the door locked all the time due to having a toddler who is desperate to be out on said farm 24/7. It’s not that difficult once you’re in the habit. Just make up some spiel about it being to do with insurance if she questions it.

Well presumably she has a key to be able to do so. And no I don't just let myself into my parents home either, family home or not. I would give her key back and ask for your back.

Why does she even have a key?
Change the locks.

Just lock your doors. I wouldn't dream of leaving my door open.

It’s normal in my family. We have keys to everyone’s house. People who don’t like it, don’t give out their keys.

Start telling dh you aren't comfortable having sex as you feel mil could walk in at any moment. Couldn't live like that. I know at my own dd's house!! They (adult dc) walk in here but it was their home and totally different.. Amd absolutely no chance of catching us dtd!!

If she has a key then change the locks.
Lock your doors at all time ( we do this anyway...some strange folk out there )
Put a chain on the door.

The first time my in-laws tried this when visiting for lunch our dog nearly attacked fil so after that we said it was best to knock to save working up the dog.

I was shocked and didn't like it, neither did my DH. We thought it was probably because dh still lets himself into their house, the house he grew up in.

However, I don't think your MIL would accept that as an excuse especially since your dog is obviously familiar with her coming in already.

It's definitely not unreasonable to want her to knock and wait to be let in!
Especially since she's doing it out of a sense of entitlement and a power play.

Your DH has to tell her to stop.

This is quite normal in some families.

If you don't like it then just nip it in the bid and ask her not to let herself in.

No need to cause a war over it. She clearly thinks she's being helpful.

You could always use a door chain.

Why give her a key if you don’t want her letting herself in. You will have to stop letting yourselves into her home.

As others have said, lock the doors/ take back her key.

And, although I understand he grew up in her home, your DH should start knocking on her door when you visit, at least unless she tells him not to, but by doing so, he would reinforce the boundary.

My dad had form for this, it drove DH nuts, and I just retrieved his key.

I would never dream of letting myself into someone else's home unnanounced, regardless of whether it was family and I'd once lived there myself. What if they were having sex or walking around naked after a shower or something?! Sounds like you don't lock your door though, which I also find bizarre. Then again I live in an area with pretty high crime rates so everyone locks their doors!

This sounds irritating and awkward. There's not going to be a solution that respects your space and doesn't lead to an outburst from her.

I really wouldn’t like it either but…

It sounds like she really misses her son.

Maybe encourage him to make some quality plans to see her. She sounds lonely. I’m always encouraging my husband to be more present with his mum.

Leave a massive strap-on very prominently on a kitchen surface with a post-it note "Can't wait for tonight, Big Boy. Kelwar xx"

Or, you know, lock your bastard door.

It's strange to me that your DP would just let himself into MIL's house though. I get it's where he grew up but he doesn't live there any more. He needs to respect her space, boundaries and privacy if he/you want the same from MIL.

My family let ourselves in to each others houses (with an “only me” yell) but only when we are expected visitors. If I have arranged to visit then yes, I know they are aware I’m coming.

TBH it would be highly unusual for any of us to pop in without warning anyway. If on the odd chance I did, I would ring the bell/knock the door.

People’s homes are their private space. I often wander down in my pants to pick up clothes from the dryer. I would be pretty bloody cross if my parent or in-laws came swanning in without notice.

My family does this (mainly my mum) but it is partly a cultural thing. I don't like it and lock the doors. They don't come in when we're not there as they don't have a key but if they come over my mum will just walk and in and DH was very shocked at first!

Stick a chain or some other sort of extra lock on it
If she says anything just say you've heard of a few burglaries in the area
Can't be too safe and all that

I'd hate it too op

No one walks into my home unannounced apart from the people who live here .

If you walk into her home I don’t think you can complain about her doing the same. Also ‘woman thing?’ Bit odd.

If you don't want to confront her directly.
Pretend you've lost your key, drop into her, ask for the key and never give it back.

I’ve not voted as I can see both sides.

SOME families do just walk in each others houses. My ex’s family were like this.

However it doesn’t seem like this is how it’s always been at your house and it’s a new thing - that’s why it’s causing discomfort.

I would talk it out before it blows up - ‘hi Mil can you knock before you come in incase DH & I are walking round naked of having some private time’

She does sound like she might be difficult so I’d wrap it up in a shit sandwich -

‘hey mil I’ve bought you a cake - oh by the way can you knock when you come in incase we’re having private time or naked - by the way do you want to come on Sunday for lunch ‘

Don’t underestimate the amount of misplaced guilt your DH will be having towards her. I wouldn’t put too much pressure on him- just nip it in the bud yourself

Thanks all..
Just to be clear.. she doesn’t have a key to our house.. we leave the doors unlocked.. we have a porch and a big dog so any intruders would hear him on opening the first door and likely scarper..
Ok.. we’ll just lock the door.. sounds like a sensible plan.
I’m not sure how she can miss her son when she sees him at least twice a week..and speak to him on the phone at least 3 other times per week.. he is 51 so we aren’t exactly new to marriage or anything:..
when she popped over she even tried to open my son’s bedroom door (he’s 17) but couldn’t get in as the door sticks slightly.. even I wouldn’t just walk into his room.. at 17 he deserves privacy and I always knock on his door before entering.
it’s interesting how we all do things differently with our families.. I think it depends on how close you are.. I’m not close to my MIL but we get along ok.. I would always encourage my husband to spend time with her.. and he does.. with or without me..
Thanks for the feedback though x