MIL let’s herself in to our house

[Kelwar]

Hi all,

just wanted to see what you guys think of my current situation with my MIL.
She’s a strong personality.. and my husband and I had a toe to toe with her 20 odd years ago due to her making relentless snide comments. When my husband confronted her, she caused a huge family rift involving his sister (who at that time took their mums side) resulting in our children and my SIL’s children not really growing up together..MIL screamed at my husband for daring to question her motives at that time.
Things simmered down between us all.. my DH and his sister get along ok and we know his sister now realises their mother is a bit of a cow at times.
There is history of difficult behaviour with MiL.. my FIL (who was lovely) passed away 8 years ago.
I appreciate my MIL can get lonely at times even though she keeps relatively busy so she spends time with our family having dinners and my husband pops down to see her every weekend.. I can’t actually do every weekend as she does my head in.. but hubby helps her with her insurances etc and odd jobs around her house.. to be honest the jobs are ridiculous things such as re setting her digital clock… things I know she is more than capable of doing herself… but she’ll call him to help her just to get him to pop by.
About a year ago she started turning up at our house unannounced bringing with her cakes and treats for us all.. sounds nice right? But I found it was her way of coming over.. and in all honesty a bit intrusive.
2 weeks ago, we were all up upstairs getting ready and playing with our new kitten when our dog starts barking and we realised MiL had let herself into our house and was wondering around our kitchen. I tried not to think too much of it as maybe we hadn’t heard the front door knocking..
On Thursday I got home from work and noticed there were some sausage rolls I hadn’t bought in our fridge. Thought my hubby had bought them so again didn’t think about it until yesterday we took MIL for lunch and she asked my children if they had enjoyed the sausage rolls she’d left in our fridge. As it turns out, she had popped over (my husband works from home) had let herself in, played with our kitten and left the food behind in our fridge.. hubby hadn’t even realised she had been in the house as he had been on a call .. but she boldly declares her intrusion over lunch like it’s normal.
I mentioned to my husband that I feel she is over stepping a boundary and that she has no right to just walk into our home like that. His response was that we do that at her home.. but I pointed out that that is his family home and I would never just let myself into her home without him being there.. for me it’s a woman thing and respect.. she’s never lived here and therefore doesn’t have the right to just let herself in..in truth I know he probably agrees with me but is too scared to confront her as she is not a woman you can talk to without her going mad.
AIBU or is this normal for families to just walk in to each others homes?
She didn’t used to do this to my knowledge so not sure what is going on?
I feel like she’s trying to exert her place within our family... she does present herself in a grandiose way anyway and I’ve always felt like she is expects to be no1 in my husbands life.. it has caused many problems within our marriage over the years..
What can we do other than lock our door all the time?

My PIL just walked in (using a spare key they had taken) after we moved into our new house. I thought there was an intruder as I was just getting changed when I heard voices downstairs. I politely spoke to them about it and explained I could have been walking around in my underwear and if they could send a quick text beforehand if they wanted to drop by. They have done since then although they still give very short notice.

Love this.. great idea… thank you x

He shouldn't do that in her home if he doesn't want the same back. I dont do that in my Mums although every single time she tells me to just let myself in. I still knock even though I have a key. I dont live there now, it's her home.

Just to be clear.. she doesn’t have a key to our house.. we leave the doors unlocked

Lock the doors all the time

Problem sorted

You do the same to get then complain about it but I don't get this women territory thing, do women 'own' houses? do men not live there? Seems sexist

Can't believe you just leave the door unlocked! Simple solution then obviously, just lock it. Problem solved.

I don’t just walk into her home… my husband does.. he grew up there but I don’t if I’m alone.. I also call before I go over.. but I’d knock and wait for her to answer the door.

Apart from anything else you're asking to get burgled with doors open all day. Just lock them. Why is this even a question?

Why is she walking in on ds? I would definitely say something about that, locking her out of the house won't stop her just walking into shut rooms once she's in the house.
"Mil, we knock and wait when ds door is shut, you never know what he's up to in there wink wink " might do the trick 😂

It's definitely a different cultures in different families thing. My XH has remarried and I go over to collect/drop off DS every week. XH's new wife is lovely but definitely comes from a family where it's just walk in. I'm constantly told not to knock and just let myself in. Even though I've been explicitly told, it still feels like a massive boundary push to just walk into their house unannounced.
I compromise by knocking, opening the door and calling out a hello.
I'm the complete opposite. I don't even like people coming over unless it has been arranged in advance.
You just have to talk to your MIL directly. There's no way around it.

Lol.. brilliant!

Just lock your door.

Walking in is only ok if both parties are happy with it.

As for walking into your son's room - out of order, your DH will have to tell her to stop that.

If she's been able to come and go, leaving sausage rolls in the fridge, and your husband was none the wiser, it's a wake up call to lock your doors. It could have been anyone doing an opportunistic burglary.

Thank her for the heads up. "OMG MIL, so glad we've realised how easy it is for a maniac/burglar/bible seller to wander in. We're locking the doors from now on".

Some families do just walk in, but given the history here I do think it's a bit strange that she's decided it's fine again.

Saying anything to her will just cause a row, so locking the doors is the easiest way. If she comments just say you're nervous about intruders (not technically a lie...).

@Kelwar who gave her a door key in the first place?? change the locks and do not give her a new one! (you do not know how many copies she has made of your key!) she has no need for one for a house which she does not live in!

My gran used to let herself into our house , she had been given a key for some reason at one point and never gave it back, she brought other people in which was the final straw for my parents they changed the locks and didn't give her a key. We spent lots of time with her but she always saw herself as the head of the family and had opinions on everything. Lock your doors break the habit

She doesn’t have a key.. we have two front doors… one being the first porch door.. we often leave them unlocked when we are in as my husband works from home and we have a big dog.. but I’ll definitely be locking the doors..

Sounds like my MiL… if she called and I was expecting her then it wouldn’t be an issue.. it’s the unannounced visits and letting herself in.. and trying to open my sons door when she did get in ( he has a bedroom downstairs ) was a step too far..

If you leave the doors unlocked you leave yourself open to intruders. Your dog isn't letting your husband know someone's come in the house when he's working . Some people just walk in and grab stuff and you might not know for hours.

It's a pretty simple fix.

our dog knows my MiL so she is greeted with a wagging tail.. anyone else gets barked at which would alert my husband to an intruder

Exactly.
The audacity and entitlement of some people like this.
Glad I don't have any PIL and my (narcissistic) mother lives in another country.
When will people like the OP start living their own life their own way, without looking over her shoulder?
Crazy.

I wouldn'tlike it eithet but "I feel like she is trying to exert her place in our family" seems ridiculous to me.

My mum likes to keep busy and now retired she likes a purpose each day so she may call me and say "iceland have pizzas on offer, I'm going to get the bus to the shops then will get the bus to yours and drop some off then get the bus home, will anybody be around for a cup of tea?" It gives her a purpose for the day and gives her grandkids a treat at the same time like your MIL and the sausage rolls. It's not exerting her place. But my mum will give me a heads up.

Our door is always locked and my mum will ring the bell before using her key.

Just ask her to let you or DH know when she is coming but you don't need to be hostile about it she is just doing something to keep busy.

People saying "lock the door" most doors you are still able to unlock from the other side with the key unless it's one where if you leave the key in the lock you can't. And she hasn't got a key anyway.

Why on earth do people not lock their front doors! So stupid! Clearly having a big dog does not make the blindest bit of difference as your dh didn’t hear your mil.

lock the door - simple!!

My MIL is a force to be reckoned with.. some mothers are delightful and really just enjoy being a part of their children’s family which is great.. some mothers come with an air of expectation and a sense of duty and control… there’s a difference