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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex won't find a compromise on our child's birthday?

28 replies

roxyboo · 10/11/2024 00:51

I recently left my ex partner after multiple issues and I feel a lot happier for doing it as he made my life miserable.

Our child's birthday is coming up and as I live in house (he lives in a flat) we are having a small party at mine.

He wants to invite his brother who I really dislike and do not get on with at all.

I have recently moved house and really don't want him having my address as he is a shady character.

He really isn't someone I want any of my kids around to be honest, he treats women appallingly, he is a liar, and has an extensive criminal background.

Most of my ex's other family members are attending, and I think I am even being generous to even have them in my house considering how my ex treated me (verbally and emotionally abusive) and I have told him it's my house and I don't care if your brother is offended as he has excluded me for years.

My ex just keeps trying to make me feel bad about this, it's like even not we have split I am still getting stress as if we are still a couple.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ubugly · 10/11/2024 00:53

I don’t think you are in the wrong but think his family may tell them where you live?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 10/11/2024 00:55

At the end of the day, who you have in your house is up to you.

But your child will still have contact with him through your ex and his family, and no doubt he'll know your address anyway at some point.

Still, if you think this is a hill to die on then I wouldn't back down because it's YOUR home.

Might be worth considering that future birthdays will have to be split if your ex doesn't want this to happen again.

Original poster
roxyboo · 10/11/2024 01:04

I did suggest splitting the birthday as I advised him I would not be comfortable with his brother coming round but he was adamant that the party by at mine.

I'm really concerned about my kids being around ex's brother as he has had a child removed from him and adopted, his adult kids go round stabbing people, involved in drugs and he smokes marijuana with his sons.
It's not the example I want my kids to follow, he is already a bad influence on my ex and I don't want that for my kids.

OP posts:
EmberAsh · 10/11/2024 01:09

You aren't going to be able to stop the brother from finding out where you live so that's not a good enough reason. Anyone else can just tell him.
But it's your house and if he isn't invited then that should be the end of it.
Honestly, if you can't host a party with your ex without aggro then you shouldn't be doing it. Have separate events or hire a hall and split the cost.

GRex · 10/11/2024 01:14

It's best to tell him you've had a rethink and can't manage the organisational stress, so your mum / brother / sister / auntie will host instead. Sorry, but he'll need to arrange something for his side of the family.

whalesonthebus · 10/11/2024 01:18

Sounds like separate parties would be the best solution. Does the brother actually want to go or is your ex offended on his behalf?

Snorlaxo · 10/11/2024 01:23

If you’ve told your ex and his family where you live then they will surely tell ex BIL? Hasn’t ex or his family told him that you’re not keen on ex BIL attending ?

The only way to avoid this situation is to tell ex to host a second (separate) party. His brother will attend that bit at least it’s not at your house.

Snorlaxo · 10/11/2024 01:24

but he was adamant that the party by at mine

So what ? If you were adamant that he paid £500 towards the party would he pay? Say no or he will expect this every year and that’s unfair.

Starlightstarbright3 · 10/11/2024 01:34

How old is dc in this situation ?

I would not be hosting a family b party ..

I would be clear this is my house . I am not amen with you . It clearly isn’t a plan I will now plan otherwise for Dc birthday .

He doesn’t get to insist anything.

what is normal contact?

toomuchfaff · 10/11/2024 12:10

You can't control if your ex allows his family to see his children while they are in his care. You can however control your own environment, that being the BIL is not welcome at your house and is not invited.

The ex can insist whatever he likes but you're not in a relationship anymore, he has no more right to insist anything of you than he would of me.

Protect your own peace and if that means having a party where the ex and anyone else you don't like is not invited, then that is totally acceptable

Wakeywake · 10/11/2024 12:15

I'd cancel the party or just have your family there. What would you do if the brother turned up on the day uninvited, could you kick him out without all hell breaking loose?

capelmustard · 10/11/2024 12:18

Could you have the party somewhere else? Park, play centre, cinema, Depending on age of child of course

femfemlicious · 10/11/2024 12:21

roxyboo · 10/11/2024 01:04

I did suggest splitting the birthday as I advised him I would not be comfortable with his brother coming round but he was adamant that the party by at mine.

I'm really concerned about my kids being around ex's brother as he has had a child removed from him and adopted, his adult kids go round stabbing people, involved in drugs and he smokes marijuana with his sons.
It's not the example I want my kids to follow, he is already a bad influence on my ex and I don't want that for my kids.

Oh my God💔

femfemlicious · 10/11/2024 12:25

I think you should just move the party somewhere else or cancel it

noctilucentcloud · 10/11/2024 12:28

capelmustard · 10/11/2024 12:18

Could you have the party somewhere else? Park, play centre, cinema, Depending on age of child of course

I came to suggest this too, or a cheap village hall

NuffSaidSam · 10/11/2024 12:29

YANBU.

Stand firm. It's your house, you get to decide who comes in.

If it were me, I'd uninvite all of the family and just have your DC friends for the birthday party. Meet the rest of the family for a pub lunch or something.

Doggymummar · 10/11/2024 12:31

Don't have a party at home. Meal out, soft play whatever.

SquatWeightaMinute · 10/11/2024 12:32

I am seeing it slightly differently, in that if you have the brother at the party you are at least around to see how much influence he is having. However if you exclude the brother, your ex is more likely to push back and take your child to his brothers and you will have no idea what goes on there.

You are entitled of course to not have people you don’t like in your home but sometimes looking at the wider picture if you say no makes compromising worth it.

MissUltraViolet · 10/11/2024 12:33

I mean, presumably if you invite all of his family the brother will easily find out your address should he want to anyway?

Which is why I would look into having it in a rented space instead, or soft play or something.

But you are doing nothing wrong, ex can whine all he likes. It's your house and nobody walks through the door that you're not happy with.

Fraaahnces · 10/11/2024 12:34

I think the best solution is to make a clear cut. It’s easier on the e kids if they get used to it now. Mum party and Dad party. Also cheaper for you and less work and much less stress. He can pay for his own, bake his own cake and worry about how his bloody brother will
behave.) You put your foot down now.

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2024 12:39

Say calmly the party is for my side only if you keep going on about this. I was trying to be nice and include your family but you are making me regret this. If your brother turns up and someone lets him in, I will ask your whole family to leave and call the police if they refuse.

cheezncrackers · 10/11/2024 12:42

You don't have to have ANYONE in your house that you don't want. Either the brother doesn't come, or you don't hold the party at your house - end of story.

ConiferBat · 10/11/2024 12:47

My ex just keeps trying to make me feel bad about this, it's like even not we have split I am still getting stress as if we are still a couple.

Let him whine, let it be a reminder why you are so much happier without him & do not buckle.
I think you're being incredibly generous to host his family at all. That's HIS responsibility , not yours.

I do agree a neutral location would have been better.
I'd be fully prepared for idiot brother to rock up just to flex - when that happens be clear it will be your ex problem to deal with, or party's over.

Golaz · 10/11/2024 12:51

GRex · 10/11/2024 01:14

It's best to tell him you've had a rethink and can't manage the organisational stress, so your mum / brother / sister / auntie will host instead. Sorry, but he'll need to arrange something for his side of the family.

I think this is the best approach in these circumstances

AutumnLeaves24 · 10/11/2024 12:51

Cancel the party.

have one for DS elsewhere.

his family can organise one if they want to. If his flat is too small they'll have to host it elsewhere, like they do any other event.

he is your EX. He doesn't get to insist on anything anymore