Aibu - debt?

[Dall]

Paid off partners debt when we moved in together, £62K, 3 years ago. On basis no more loans/credit cards

recently found out he is £20k in debit now. Some from before most from after. I insisted on seeing credit report as I am about to get sale proceeds from property and want to know what situation is. I feel bit repulsed and insulted this has been allowed to happen. But I am debt avoidant and I guess lucky I have been able to.

Aibu for not feeling able to get over this? For not being able to accept he struggles to discuss money which is compounded as we have not been getting on. Been in counselling for a year. Has lied about debt there.

I stupidly started vaping to deal with stress (yes I know it doesn’t) and have snuck in the loo at home and not told him. He is equating the two. Is it the same? I feel emotionally burnt out and not sure what to think anymore. Please be gentle. I am aware vaping is stupid and hiding stuff is a bad bad sign in a relationship but I’ve lost perspective and don’t want to disclose debt to anyone we know to discuss in person.

yabu - £20k not much for 3 years when starting a business/He cannot discuss money, you cannot discuss vaping so you both need to sort yourselves out.

yanbu - it’s a lost cause all round.

I hope you are not going to pay it off. His debt he sorts. But it would be a dealbreaker for me and he would be on his way. He’s lied to you

pretty sure you will find vaping stops once he is gone

You’re lucky you could give him £62k?

you won’t be seeing that back

he won’t change. Protect yourself. And work out why you would put up with his

Vaping is repulsive. But it is not the same as building up 20k debt after being bailed out by your partner.

It is a lost cause. Any chance he would repay you the 62k?

Jesus you must be desperate

Surely you mean ex dp.

@Chowtime ?

@Dall
Chowtime means are you so desperate to have a man that you will put up with anything?

Your mistake was paying off over 60 grand of his debt. I'm astonished.

You've set a precedent now. In the back of his mind he thinks running up debt doesn't matter because you'll swoop in when it gets too much and pay it off.

@Chowtime @GrazingSheepy honestly not. Naive maybe. Trust someone you love dunno. As I said I am here to get some perspective. I have some of the £62k covered in the house we jointly own but not all by a long shot.

I couldn't get over this. 62k is a huge sum to most people, and then for him to go and rack up more is unforgivable. I think you need to disentangle yourself from this man. Do you live together? Don't pay off any more debt. Try to work out why you bailed him out the first time. Protect yourself.

You bailed him out once because you love him. How has he repaid you? He has gone behind your back and run up more debt. Is he a gambler or drug user? Why does he spend so much money and hide it from you? I'd not give him a third chance to run up debt he probably expects you to pay off again for him. I'd be showing him the door because he's disrespectful of you and hides things from you. How on earth are you supposed to trust him for a third time? You can't really can you? Sometimes love is not enough without respect and mutual trust. He won't make you happy because you'll always be thinking is he running up more debt?

So when do you max out? When it makes it €100k, €125k, €200k.

Clearing his debt the first time, while naive and stupid, was a mistake. You can even say blinding by love.

Clearing it a second time, would be stupid beyond belief. Your eyes should be wide open this time.

Cut your losses now.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

You gave him 62K, that's massive! I'd have run for the hills long ago. He is either totally reckless or had some pretty unfortunate circumstances. I'd bargain on the first one.

I am worried about gambling. Def not drugs.

he ‘trades’ fx which I see as gambling anyway. His DS20 has a gambling issue and has lost thousands and his mums runs his finances now. I found football betting on DP’sphone soon after we had a very long chat about his son. He said was trying to get into his mind so could help him.

Feel like an idiot.

We live together.

the timing of the vaping argument feels like a deflection as I think he could have known for a while.

Firstly , he lied to you and was in more debt than the £62k.

Regarding the business debt, when is the business likely to return a profit? Few businesses make a profit in the first year. Do you feel the business is viable, or is he a cocklodger? Ie. Has he been giving himself a wage, contributing to household bills etc, or is he sponging off you? I think questions like these would affect how I feel.

Just seen your update. Yes, a gambler. Hope he’s not single assets to trade/gamble.

He has started a handyman business so it’s not like investing loads on equipment or premises or staff. It’s about as profitable as it’s likely to be.

He has paid nearly his share of household bills although there is some reminding nagging involved in that. I am generous by nature and have pulled back on and over paying for holidays etc.

Totally this ... incredible that you paid so much for a man if you're not married, who'd only just moved in and who quickly turned out to be a gambler

He'll certainly think he's fallen on his feet - his son too probably - so I'd disabuse him of that idea sharpish by moving him right out again

@Puzzledandpissedoff
i can’t move him out. I bought into his old house. Paid off ex and his debts old mortgage etc and we now have a joint mortgage and own it together but as tenants in common (I wasn’t completely stupid!). It’s a bit of a disentanglement as I wouldn’t want to move out as I doubt the house would ever find a buyer.

I read it as 6.2 not 62 and already thought it was a lost cause. The impact of your vaping on him is negligible. The impact of tens of thousands of debt is massive. Work it out in hours of take home pay. That's likely thousands of hours of your life you've given him and won't get back.

You need to end this relationship. Paying off his debt hasn't worked. He has accrued more. Why do you need to take this on board. Pt

I remember reading a book by Alvin Hall that said something along the lines of ‘If you give someone in debt the money to clear that debt, without looking at why they got into debt/without giving them the skills to manage their money, they’ll be back in the same position within a year’. Unfortunately it sounds like this is what’s happened here. I don’t blame you for feeling wretched a bit this. You made a huge sacrifice for him and he’s thrown it in your face effectively.
Please don’t bail him out again. It won’t help in the long run. If I were you, I’d be getting financial advise about my options to minimise the impact of his debt on you and consider my future.

So in 3 years he has run up £82k of debt? That's 3 times what I earn In my boring admin job in a year!
He needs to contact CAB or one of the debt advice charities for some impartial advice.

@MrsMoastyToasty

no £62k was 3 years ago, which was accumulated over a few years. £20kish is in the last 3 years.

I have never smoked or vaped and think calling either "repulsive" is beyond crazy. Its a bad habit but nothing close to repulsive.