Aibu - debt?

[Dall]

Paid off partners debt when we moved in together, £62K, 3 years ago. On basis no more loans/credit cards

recently found out he is £20k in debit now. Some from before most from after. I insisted on seeing credit report as I am about to get sale proceeds from property and want to know what situation is. I feel bit repulsed and insulted this has been allowed to happen. But I am debt avoidant and I guess lucky I have been able to.

Aibu for not feeling able to get over this? For not being able to accept he struggles to discuss money which is compounded as we have not been getting on. Been in counselling for a year. Has lied about debt there.

I stupidly started vaping to deal with stress (yes I know it doesn’t) and have snuck in the loo at home and not told him. He is equating the two. Is it the same? I feel emotionally burnt out and not sure what to think anymore. Please be gentle. I am aware vaping is stupid and hiding stuff is a bad bad sign in a relationship but I’ve lost perspective and don’t want to disclose debt to anyone we know to discuss in person.

yabu - £20k not much for 3 years when starting a business/He cannot discuss money, you cannot discuss vaping so you both need to sort yourselves out.

yanbu - it’s a lost cause all round.

So some of the 62k was to buy out his ex and you could recoup that on selling the house? If he cannot have a grown up conversation about his spending then the 20k will only grow, assuming he is even being honest now, then you cannot continue to bail him out. Is it really all business related expenses?

No paying out his ex was on top of that and I have that as % in equity. I have some more equity but not enough to cover the extra £62k. I am getting a declaration of trust to cover that hopefully but it’s more I don’t know if I can trust. I have asked and he said he had £500 credit card as a float for work materials

Good move about the tenants in common, @Dall, but in paying his debts you helped him ex as well? Why not his son too - no doubt he could use some of your £££ - and throw in a few friends and acquaintances while you're at it?

So it is not protected, yet how does £500 cc become £20k+?

He is a dickhead. You got him out of massive debt. He should be eternally grateful. Instead he has run up another 20k debt and is cross with you for vaping. Wtf? Get rid. He is dragging you down.

Can I ask why he trades fx?

Does he work in finance or have any expertise that would indicate why he would instead of vetting on football or a horse?

The reason I ask is I know two gamblers who moved to fx, efts, stocks, commodities trading after they were excluded from standard gambling sites. One was banned, the other self selected as part of his recovered but swapped over wen his recovery failed.

@Dall he has shown you zero respect after you paying off the £62k by going and getting into more debt! He has not changed. I would get him to start paying you back even £100 a month. No you being so stressed you vaped is NOT on the same scale. He should be apologising for driving you to it. I know you were also dishonest but - he is using that to deflect from his far worse behaviour. Ditch him.

He’s done a right number on you by getting you to believe vaping is equal to wasting so much money he doesn’t have in such a short time.

You have to disentangle yourself from him. It’s always possible to move, sell a house, whatever you need to happen to ditch him. He’s going to ruin your life. Your perception is already severely skewed by him trying to mess with your head. Please put yourself first. He’s not worthy of you.

I don't think vaping in your own bathroom equates to having your debts paid off and then running up more debt. In fact the two things seem to be as far apart as it's possible to be. He's just being mean because he's defensive.

I don’t know. He has done it for years. I didn’t think too much of it. He has no back ground and will adamantly not keep up or have any interest in current affairs. I worry he has been sucked in by ‘prop trading accounts’ and being told it’s a skill to learn and will make money. He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem.

Is he losing it on bitcoin?

I don’t know. He has no back ground and will adamantly not keep up or have any interest in current affairs. I worry he has been sucked in by ‘prop trading accounts’ and being told it’s a skill to learn and will make money. He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem. I worked in credit control in trading industry so my view on it is at the opposite end and have seen what addiction does.

“He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem.”

That sounds like the gambler who will have ‘one more bet’, as the next one will be ‘the big one’.