Treating kids the same?

[WheresXaddy]

I have two children from a previous relationship and my partner has two children from two previous relationships, we share one child together.

I noticed how different he treats his daughter over his son and after a few months I commented on this and explained how unhealthy it was, comments used to be made to his daughter about how he will always love her more than anyone, she will always be number one he would willingly allow her to be mean to his son and treat them very differently in regards to gifts etc. he actually said he was leaving his house to her and nothing for his son!

anyway, things changed after many arguments and me explaining how not only was this going to affect his son hugely but it wasn’t making his daughter very well liked amongst the family. Things have been good for the last couple of years and he has created a nice bond with his son.

he treats our child together great. No issues there.

the new issue that has arised is he is now talking of sending daughter to private school, even though we barely manage month to month, the mum will cover half the fees. This is great and I’m supportive of this but I said he must offer the same opportunity to his son and our child when they reach high school age ( covering half the fees for a private school) he said he doesnt think that’s fair and shouldn’t have to do that. So before I bring this up again I guess I just want to know AIBU?

has he got a reason for wanting to send only the DD to private school? is she academically brilliant or has SEN that requires extra help or anything?

My friends have two kids. Both went to a private primary but it quickly became obvious that their daughter was more academically able and willing than the son. So they decided as a family not to push the son into an environment where he was unlikely to be happy and he went to a very good state school with a strong arts programme instead. They are both adults now and have absolutely no ill feelings.
My partner got a scholarship for a public school, had absolutely miserable time. His sister went to state school and then a trade school and couldn't be happier with how her life turned out.
Treating the kids equally doesn't always mean treating them the same. It means giving them an opportunity to thrive depending on their interests and ambitions. Although, I realise, this may not be the case with your husband.

Couldn't be with a man like that.

Did all of this shit parenting only become apparent after your pregnancy?

It's all very odd isn't it?

Sorry I wasn’t very clear.

we have a daughter who attends nursery. So it is a long way off her going to high school.

he has a daughter from his first relationship and a son from his second relationship.

she enjoys school and is a good student but I would say she is average amongst her peers. No special talents as such.

my children are in a Different situation, my son can’t attend school and is ASD. My daughter is in a state primary, she loves school but isn’t academic at all, so I wouldn’t put her in a private school even if I could.

his sons mum isn’t aware of this yet and I don’t think he has any intention of telling her.

my partner earns a reasonable salary but isn’t very good with money and spends it as soon as he gets it. As a family we would go without holidays and days out for him to afford this.

i just think the opportunity should be atleast offered to the other biological children otherwise I can see this leading to a lot of resentment in the future.

my partner earns a reasonable salary but isn’t very good with money and spends it as soon as he gets it. As a family we would go without holidays and days out for him to afford this.

Well quite. He's decided on his reasonable salary to have children with 3 different women, so something has to give.

Start saving for holidays and days out for you and your DC, and separate your finances immediately, so if he wants to finance his pie in the sky ideas, it won't affect you as much.

Thank you for the replies.

i have kept finances separate and don’t intend to pick up the bill for other things so he can afford this.

so far it is “pie in the sky” so I’m going to wait and see what happens instead of getting angry about something that may or may not happen.

i understand if a child has ASD, is being bullied or is exceptionally bright or talented in one area, then those are different circumstances.

i feel very protective of his son as i saw how different he was treat and he is such a lovely kid. His daughter has been quite difficult and not an easy personality to be around although she has become nicer in recent years.

my son is 9. He has had an EHCP since 2020. He has been in a SEN school who could no longer meet his needs, he has been out of school for 2 years now as there are no placements in a suitable school for him in our area. We do home school as best as we can, and the council are looking into other options such as EOTAS.
I do have sendias and a solicitor involved but that’s a whole other thread

My partner earns approx 80k p.a.

his ex only has one child - his daughter. Although I do believe she would struggle to pay half the fees plus all the extras that go with private schooling.

my 2 children have the same dad and fortunate for them he has a good salary, he did offer for our daughter to go to private school but we both realise this would be a waste of money as she isn’t academic but he does pay for her to do drama, acting and dance lessons.

I do believe this is just pie in the sky, and I don’t think they have any idea about how expensive it actually is, as the figures my partner have given me are way off the mark.

ahh, blended families.

This is messy. He is a bad father and sounds like he's bad with money too.

Leave him to it if you have separate finances but I wouldn't stay with a man like this.

Whose idea was it to consider private school for his daughter - his or his ex?
What are the reasons for wanting to do this?
It doesn't sound realistic and it would be grossly unfair on his daughter to start this then have to pull her out of school because the funds are no longer available.
Is he just saying this because your ex offered to fund private school for your daughter?

He doesn’t pay towards my children, nor do I expect him to, me and my ex provide for everything they need.

the issue isn’t so much the cost, it’s the attitude towards it all, that she deserves or is entitled to more. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to treat your children fairly, and yes, maybe his son wouldn’t want to attend private school but he should offer the opportunity, who knows maybe his mum would say no to the schooling but can he contribute to extra football lessons? Like I said, he was going to leave his house to only his daughter and nothing to his son, this absolutely shocked me to the core, he has changed that now and it’s to be equally split between all 3. But his thought process is mind boggling to me.

the children are

1, 6(his son), 9(his daughter) and my two are 7&9.

No, he was aware of my exs proposal for our daughter a couple of years ago. He didn’t seem to mind, probably because he knew I’d say no to it. My daughter is at a lovely state school which she absolutely loves.

His daughter started making comments about it a while ago, so I asked my partner and he said they’ve spoke about it. I don’t believe they can afford it, but even if they could, it’s his responsibility to make sure his children are treated equally and he certainly cannot afford fees for all 3.

I think he is living in cuckoo land myself.