Treating kids the same?

[WheresXaddy]

I have two children from a previous relationship and my partner has two children from two previous relationships, we share one child together.

I noticed how different he treats his daughter over his son and after a few months I commented on this and explained how unhealthy it was, comments used to be made to his daughter about how he will always love her more than anyone, she will always be number one he would willingly allow her to be mean to his son and treat them very differently in regards to gifts etc. he actually said he was leaving his house to her and nothing for his son!

anyway, things changed after many arguments and me explaining how not only was this going to affect his son hugely but it wasn’t making his daughter very well liked amongst the family. Things have been good for the last couple of years and he has created a nice bond with his son.

he treats our child together great. No issues there.

the new issue that has arised is he is now talking of sending daughter to private school, even though we barely manage month to month, the mum will cover half the fees. This is great and I’m supportive of this but I said he must offer the same opportunity to his son and our child when they reach high school age ( covering half the fees for a private school) he said he doesnt think that’s fair and shouldn’t have to do that. So before I bring this up again I guess I just want to know AIBU?

Why on earth did you have a child with this man? This kind of inequality is SO damaging. Kick the fucker out before he can do any more harm.

What's behind the gender Bias? Not sure I'd have wanted to risk being the third partner to be left with kids

It's the daughter thing op, first child, first girl etc I'm sorry but alot of men do treat their girls differently I've witnessed it myself, it isn't right but it happens

I really hope I’m not outed on here, as it will be awkward haha.

he said his son was a “mistake” and I think he blames his brief relationship with his sons mum as causing a lot of issues with his daughters mum which resulted in a court order for child access etc. it was quite messy and I think there was some resentment there towards his son. He has worked through most of this now and I think realises the error of his ways, he definitely hasn’t been an angel.

our child wasn’t planned but is very much loved and wanted. I left him when pregnant due to his daughter’s attitude and his parenting style with her. He did sort that out for the most part and the only new thing to arise is this school situation.

I am financially independent of him so I am not trapped in any way, I’m also not a pushover and will absolutely stand up for what is morally right wether that be for myself, my children or his son.

I don’t know the logic behind it, I think he holds ALOT of guilt towards his daughter and I think he believes her behaviours are due to the toxic relationship he and her mum had.

Wow at the update op. It wasn't his son's fault was it, it was him not keeping his dick in his pants and having another child

he said his son was a “mistake”

our child wasn’t planned but is very much loved and wanted.

Oh dear. You're next in line for his behaviour then. If he had one 'mistake' he could have got a vasectomy but chose not to. I'd be suggesting one to him now.

But your kids will be living with him full time and will be directly impacted by the two of you funding 3 lots of private school fees. This is massively unfair for your children. In your position I’d say private school for all 4 children (assuming your son is happy at home) or none.

I'm glad the ss has you as a sm. You sound a great mum.

My children are fine. He wouldn’t cross that line with my children. He knows that would be the end with us.

His son’s mum was aware of how different he was treated but she didn’t stand up to him, I was the one who had to say something. Like I said, over the last two years he has seen the error of his ways, he has 1:1 time with his son and they have forged a strong bond.

his daughter was 5, yes, but she’d had her mum telling her her dad is this and that and the things she came out with you would expect from the mouth of an angry teenager. She also lied over anything big or small and enjoyed seeing other children get in trouble due to lies, I was warned about her behaviour from his own parents and sister, and his sons mum.

thankfully, after a lot of effort on my part she is now a much nicer kid who actually loves spending time with me and her siblings. I don’t blame her I blame her parents for that early behaviour for being so toxic around her and her picking up on it.

I am amazed you continued in a relationship with a man who treated his son as less than.

It’s hard to explain an entire scenario when you only have a few paragraphs to go off.

my sons autism was being used as an excuse for everything he was basically becoming a scapegoat. And his daughter used this. I was the one who requested cameras be put up due to not wanting to look like I had an issue and just go off facts.

my main issue here was the school situation. If I was to go back over everything people would definitely have more of a negative opinion of him. It was a shit show. Due to children being involved and one together I put a heck of a lot of time and effort it fixing these things for ALL the kids sakes, trust me, it would of been a hell of a lot easier to throw the towel in. Is it perfect, no, it’s far from it and always will be due to the dynamics of our family, different personalities etc. I have come in here to get opinions because I am actually very aware of looking like I am digging the daughter out, I let a lot of things go I can assure you.

So he makes mistakes on more than one occasion and blames the "mistake" for the outcome wow what a man poor kid and you were okay with maybe having a child that in the future could be another mistake?

Well my options were have a baby or an abortion, and I chose to have my baby.

shes very loved and wanted and an absolute delight. I don’t regret my choice at all.

he viewed his son this way, probably because of his resentment to his mum. He now has a good relationship with his son’s mum and his son. So the persistence paid off and things have been going in a more positive direction.

This is getting weird. All the children are very much loved.
the children aren’t aware of things me and their dad have discussed. Or what’s been said in arguments as they are only children.
please don’t make this something it isn’t.

I receive disability support towards my son as this is not means tested.

I received a large inheritance which put me in a fortunate position. Also, I receive child maintenance from my ex who works away most of the time and he understands one of us needed to stay home for our son so he is generous with this.