How rude was this? Opinions needed!

[Doglover321]

I run a local Meetup group and myself and my boyfriend are the Organizers.

We had an event at a local cafe the other day. It was myself and my boyfriend (both Organizers), plus 8 others around one table.

My boyfriend had had a bad night’s sleep and was very tired and feeling a bit anxious so didn’t speak as much as he usually would.

One of our members who attended who was brand new to the group was quite chatty and talking to us for ages. Both of us showed an interest and responded quite well I thought!

When it came to the event end, we went over to the guy who had been especially chatty and I said how good it was to meet him. He responded: ‘it was good to meet you too, and your silent boyfriend’

My boyfriend is Co-Organizer of the group and had said his name and everything!!

Thought it was quite rude, and it was definitely a dig! For all he knows, there could have been a family bereavement and he just wanted to get out and enjoy some air. Besides, he’s hardly gonna feel confident to speak up after such a remark?

I don’t think it was so much rude as registering the oddity of someone who organised a group and then sat in silence throughout apart from saying his name. The hosts/organisers are usually the ones being most active and interacting with new attendees.

This probably depends to an extent on the purpose of the group — if it’s specifically set up for people suffering from social anxiety or MH issues, then it was rude and uncalled-for. However, if it’s an ordinary social group for those new in town or playing table top games or whatever, then it would have been odd for a new member to encounter an organiser who stayed silent the whole time. It’s not the job of a new MeetUp attendee to secondguess whether the organiser has been bereaved or is insomniac!

Very rude to draw attention to someone being quiet in normal circumstances. Tbh though if I attended a group organised to promote social contact, I'd be a bit surprised if one of the organisers didn't make much effort to get conversation going. I'd also probably find it odd that he sat quietly by you as joint organiser rather than you separating and 'working the room'. Much would depend on whether the two of you just do this voluntarily or whether you charge though. If you charge you may get some feedback!

Valid point I guess. I guess much like in a work situation personal issues should be left at home! I just found the comment unnecessary is all, and that he should have just responded ‘yes, it was lovely to meet you too’ or ‘yes, it was lovely to meet you both too’ !!

Well whatever he thought, he didn't need to say that. Very rude. I wouldn't invite him again.

Could be viewed as rude or just a lighthearted dig coming from a place of friendliness.

It could have triggered a laugh and a 'oh, he's feeling rough today, he's normally a right chatterbox - let's enjoy the peace whilst it lasts!'

I wouldn't hold it against the guy until you know him better.

Your boyfriend should have stayed home if he was going to make people feel awkward.

I think sometimes members do forget it can be nerve-racking for Hosts too. They were basically all first-timers, and I think he felt a bit outside of his comfort zone on this occasion - due to the lack of sleep and ongoing anxiety issue!

You should have replied, with you being so chatty there wasn't room for him to speak after me 👌

Haha, I’ll definitely remember this one for next time!!

I didn’t know what to say and was simply like: ‘oh we just had a bad night’s sleep last night. Hopefully we’ll be a lot more chatty next time’

Boyfriend looked a bit taken aback by the guy’s remark, but agreed and was like ‘yeah’

But, while again I don’t know the nature of your group, it isn’t a professional situation. People aren’t in a workplace or bound by professional codes of conduct. This guy presumably felt he’d ‘met’ you, because you actually spoke to him, but not your silent boyfriend. He doesn’t know why one of the organisers stayed almost completely silent, and it struck him as strange.

I mean, I wouldn’t take it to heart, or anything, as a one off, but you can’t control the responses of complete strangers to situations, and this guy could have had no idea if your boyfriend was silent because he was bored by him, or whether he just never says anything, or whether some appalling thing had just happened but he’d decided for some reason to still attend the group.

People do respond to the ways we present ourselves. You knew why your boyfriend was so silent. The new guy didn’t.

This member was rather chatty TBH, definitely not lacking in confidence. Spent most of the event talking about recycling centres and how he attended an Open Day at one and how fascinating it was. I was going along with it and showing an interest, saying we could look at organising an event there and how important an issue it is etc etc. I think my boyfriend found the conversation a bit long because this was literally all we spoke about

Non issue to me, people don't always say the "right" things.

Rude.

Rude, your boyfriend is not a performing seal.

Could be rude or could be neurodiverse or simply could be one of those people who monopolise conversation! The interesting challenge of running groups like these is learning to handle certain personality types who may dominate the group and quieter members may not get a look in. You don’t always have to listen to someone like this, it’s good to brush up on techniques to close down conversations in a polite way and widen other people’s participation.

I think it's rude "on the surface" ....to say that point blank to somebody ...... isn't it the sort of thing you go home and say "oh I met a new group today, really nice, I enjoyed myself but one guy was really quiet ".

But then I guess equally, it's how much do you take offence? I wouldn't be bothered by that. I'd probably just quip back "oh I know, it's what rubbish sleep does to you!" ....or "hopefully he'll be back to his witty self next time!". Because if at the end of the day your partner was particularly quite, and you've got someone whose noticed that, rude or not, I'd probably just address it and not give it another thought.

I think it's quite funny but that's just my humour I guess! 🤣🤣

For all he knows, there could have been a family bereavement and he just wanted to get out and enjoy some air.

If that were really the case, he shouldn't be there.

In fact if he was too tired to attend and be his usual self, he shouldn't have gone anyway.

I organise events through work and tired or not, you need to bring your A game if you're choosing to do it.

I would have laughed and said something like "yes he's quiet today - he's just sleepy".
I don't think it's rude.... it's just lighthearted conversation to me.

I think it was a bit rude, but some people are just quite blunt and don't have great social skills. I'd not really give it another thought. I'd not take it personally, it's an issue with the person that made the comment, not you or your boyfriend. Don't give it anymore thought

I think it was rude
you thank the organisers

and that guy spent the whole time talking about a recycling centre?!

Yep, literally all of the event. I don’t think he was neurodiverse though. He was just old and fascinated by it. He did also speak a bit about his son and how good he is at campaigning for zero plastic!

@EmeraldRoulette the OP didn't say what the meetup was about. It could have been an environment group so talking about recycling was perfectly normal.

Not too off-topic I guess, since we were at a vegan cafe

Rude imo, your boyfriend did nothing wrong.

If the man had paid for a service that required your boyfriend to speak then he can of course feedback but seriously otherwise he is a twat.

We do lots of different things. Pub crawls, cafes, theatre trips. But this particular Meetup was at a vegan cafe