How rude was this? Opinions needed!

[Doglover321]

I run a local Meetup group and myself and my boyfriend are the Organizers.

We had an event at a local cafe the other day. It was myself and my boyfriend (both Organizers), plus 8 others around one table.

My boyfriend had had a bad night’s sleep and was very tired and feeling a bit anxious so didn’t speak as much as he usually would.

One of our members who attended who was brand new to the group was quite chatty and talking to us for ages. Both of us showed an interest and responded quite well I thought!

When it came to the event end, we went over to the guy who had been especially chatty and I said how good it was to meet him. He responded: ‘it was good to meet you too, and your silent boyfriend’

My boyfriend is Co-Organizer of the group and had said his name and everything!!

Thought it was quite rude, and it was definitely a dig! For all he knows, there could have been a family bereavement and he just wanted to get out and enjoy some air. Besides, he’s hardly gonna feel confident to speak up after such a remark?

It’s rude but who cares.

For all you know that person is kicking themselves for making a stupid comment and feeling worried about going back. Probably came out due to nerves.

I prefer to go through life thinking most people are well meaning and that awkward moments are just that, it means I can go through life without over analysing things days later. Perhaps the bloke was rude, perhaps he struggles with social skills, perhaps it was a poorly delivered joke. Whatever it was doesn't really matter it's over now.

It wasn’t the politest thing to say, but not particularly rude. Some might consider your BF to have been rude when he’s cohosting a group and hardly said a word the whole time.

Sounds like the guy, being new to the group, was trying to suss out the dynamic and this bit rubbed you the wrong way. But you don’t have to take every exchange that doesn’t follow your expected parameters as an affront.

There's a wide range between "said his name and everything!" And "not as chatty as usual"

A bit gauche of the guy but maybe he was "very chatty" because there was a lot of awkward silence and/or he was nervous?

Just let it go?

Oh dear, can't think of anything more boring than someone going on about recycling centres, no wonder your OH was tired and bored!! If I were him, i might've replied 'talk about something interesting mate and I might get involved'!

Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask. It doesn't matter what you post in AIBU you're usually told you're in the wrong.

Yes, it was rude.

Did the other organiser or you say he wasn't on top form at the beginning? That would be usual if you are in a hosting situation. I think if you offer a meet up group you've kind of got to accept people's foibles unless overtly rude or aggressive.

Being chatty does not mean someone is full of confidence. When I am nervous I talk... and sometimes I talk utter crap when my nerves get the better of me.

I think if we all stopped looking for opportunities to be outraged and offended, all the bloody times, we might enjoy life a bit more.

hmmm I am a member of a meet up group and I think the host or organiser does need to be chatty and sociable.

Rude comment, possibly one that he didn't mean to sound quite as it came out. Having said that, I think your bf was quite rude too. It's polite in a group situation to bring some chat, to sing for your supper. I know MN is full on introverts who love companionable silence, but honestly why would anyone choose to go to a meet-up if not to chat? It's frustrating to end up next to someone in a situation like this who doesn't contribute to the conversation at all. I suppose it depends whether your bf actually did.

Yes, that was rude. I can't imagine referring to someone as "your silent boyfriend".

It’s the fact that it was done in front of him as well, not even just to me! 😳

But it’s part of the job of the host to be able to put those feelings aside and ensure the guests are feeling comfortable.

I think often people don’t realise the person who’s seeming relaxed and putting everyone else at their ease is inside feeling panicky and only just holding it together.

If someone talked at me about recycling centres of all things then pointed out something socially awkward (although it sounds true), I’d probably pull a face but I’d absolutely wonder if the person was ND and forget about it.

Did your boyfriend really only speak to say his name then sit zoned out for the whole event? Because I’d find that odd as well, probably ask if he was ok more than make a point about it but still.

No, he chipped in at points.

When I mentioned he said his name, I was trying to make the point that he shouldn’t have been referred to as ‘your (silent) boyfriend’ - referring to him by his name would surely have been better, I don’t know….

He was stood next to me saying goodbye to the guy when the guy made this comment

I think it was rude but might not have been intentionally so. Are you expected to host the group and direct the conversation? Are people not welcome at such groups unless they talk? Its a reach I know but you mentioned the bloke was old. (Not ageist, I am old) Its not uncommon for older people to lose their conversation filter with age or for other reasons. I can say this because I am both old myself and uswed to work in the NHS in older people's services.

When did it become OK to make personal remarks like this? Yes, it's rude. It's perfectly OK to keep some thoughts in your head.

Yes, that’s pretty much the deal if you host a publicly-advertised group. You don’t need to deal with prejudices or aggression, obviously, but you’re not always going to find everyone likeable, or their manners to suit you. If you take a remark about your boyfriend’s silence from a new attendee this much to heart, I think you need to toughen up or only have closed groups.