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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to meet up but I’m an after thought

37 replies

ThisArtfulScroller · 08/11/2024 06:46

An old friend who lives up North is coming to London for the weekend, to see friends that have nothing more to do with me since I had mental health problems. And see me the next day after her big night out.

since I have had my 3 year old daughter this friend has seen me once and made no effort to communicate ie avoided calls, texts etc and only met my daughter when she was 2 last Xmas.

she’s the sort of Person who distance does not really matter as always going here there and everywhere.

i don’t think I should go meet her with my toddler in tow and maybe best and the friendship as it’s not even a friendship or a friend anymore

aibu

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 08/11/2024 06:50

From the information you have given there is nothing to say you are an afterthought. She is travelling a long distance and had arranged to meet you. It makes perfect sense to combine seeing two friends when making a long journey.
She clearly does want to see you as has reached out to you. Completely up to you if you don’t feel the friendship has been there over the past few years.
I wonder if this is your mental health talking ?

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2024 06:57

It sounds like she wants to see you and has combined two things into the weekend.

There's clearly a lot going on for you. MH issues that are significant enough to cause all your other friends to withdraw from the friendship must have been pretty significant.

Previously, she might have had reason to believe it was too much pressure for you or, in the kindest way, just a lot of effort for a weekend that risked not being an enjoyable weekend for her. Even close friends have their own time, life and MH to consider.

When you have significant MH needs, you're often unaware of how this impacts on others around you (speaking from experience from both sides here).

She clearly wants to see you to suggest it but, as the pp said, it's up to you whether you want to meet her or not.

I'd say you'd probably be burning a bridge with that particular friend if you don't though.

Olika · 08/11/2024 06:58

If this friendship isn't bringing anything to your life then I point investing on it.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/11/2024 06:59

So, friend cannot plan to see more than one group of friends on the trip? Only a journey planned to see you specifically and not other people is acceptable? YABU

Original poster
ThisArtfulScroller · 08/11/2024 07:02

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/11/2024 06:59

So, friend cannot plan to see more than one group of friends on the trip? Only a journey planned to see you specifically and not other people is acceptable? YABU

That’s not what I meant but thanks anyway

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 08/11/2024 07:04

since I have had my 3 year old daughter this friend has seen me once and made no effort to communicate ie avoided calls, texts etc and only met my daughter when she was 2 last Xmas.

On the surface, thissounds tough. I'd take some time.to reflect on the nature of your communication during this time.

Were they light hearted catch ups with a friend or were you seeking MH support?

Not expecting you to answer but just reflect.

Like I said, I've been the person on both sides of this dynamic.

When I was 'bad' I had no idea that I was asking things of others that they were unable.to give. I thought I was just getting in touch with a friend but, when I reflected afterwards, I really wasn't. My normal, my life and my day to day was actually very far from other people's and I was actually asking a lot of them mentally (not physically or practically) that they just couldn't give mainly - even just listening - because I just felt very negative and was dealing with a load of shit.

Take a step back. If you don't want to meet with her, don't. But, if your MH is in a much better place there days, maybe it's a opportunity to draw a line and find a new friendship with her.

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2024 07:07

Personally, I think I would go. But I'd also try and find childcare so that your catch up is just the two of you. Two old friends, two women, two adults without a toddler in tow.

LaLaLaurie · 08/11/2024 07:08

I wouldn’t go and I’d let it fizzle out. You may find she cancels after her night out.

CrazyCatLady008 · 08/11/2024 07:09

Why can't she see both set of friends? You're not a afterthought she's literally made plans with you?

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 07:09

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2024 07:04

since I have had my 3 year old daughter this friend has seen me once and made no effort to communicate ie avoided calls, texts etc and only met my daughter when she was 2 last Xmas.

On the surface, thissounds tough. I'd take some time.to reflect on the nature of your communication during this time.

Were they light hearted catch ups with a friend or were you seeking MH support?

Not expecting you to answer but just reflect.

Like I said, I've been the person on both sides of this dynamic.

When I was 'bad' I had no idea that I was asking things of others that they were unable.to give. I thought I was just getting in touch with a friend but, when I reflected afterwards, I really wasn't. My normal, my life and my day to day was actually very far from other people's and I was actually asking a lot of them mentally (not physically or practically) that they just couldn't give mainly - even just listening - because I just felt very negative and was dealing with a load of shit.

Take a step back. If you don't want to meet with her, don't. But, if your MH is in a much better place there days, maybe it's a opportunity to draw a line and find a new friendship with her.

This is important. Given many of your other friends don't have anything to do with you now I'm wondering what communications you had. Not saying you must have said something that made them cut contact but I'm wondering if you did. In which case it's admirable this friend is making contact

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2024 07:15

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 07:09

This is important. Given many of your other friends don't have anything to do with you now I'm wondering what communications you had. Not saying you must have said something that made them cut contact but I'm wondering if you did. In which case it's admirable this friend is making contact

Show quote history

Sometimes, it's not even about something upu have said/not said but more about the 'energy'.

People want to spend time with people who make them feel good. Good about themselves, good about life, just energised and revitalised. How we all want to feel after seeing friends and why we look forward to seeing them.

OP, if one person's energy is in conflict with then others, then no one gets out of the friendship/meetings what they want/need.

EmberAsh · 08/11/2024 07:16

There's not really enough information here to give a full response but from what you've said I think you should give your friend a chance.
She is coming to your area and made the effort to make plans with you, not as an afterthought, just separate from other friends.
If you've lost previous friendships to MH issues, I would try and keep the people who stuck with you in the tough times. Even if they weren't there constantly, this person is there now and reaching out.

Original poster
ThisArtfulScroller · 08/11/2024 07:17

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Jk987 · 08/11/2024 07:24

She wants to see you! Go and enjoy a few hours together and see how it goes.

You have a child now, that can change friendships as you can't do as much. Did you have PND? Regardless of that, your friend is making the effort to see you so I'd give her a chance.

polkadotpig · 08/11/2024 07:41

How many times have you travelled north to visit her? If she is the only one making the long journey, then it sounds like she is making a perfectly reasonable amount of effort towards you to maintain the friendship. Are you making the same amount of effort towards her in terms of travel?

Lifeisarealchallenge · 08/11/2024 08:02

It doesn't sound to me as though you are an after thought OP.

She must genuinely want to see you or else she wouldn't have bothered making contact to make arrangements with you.

There's obviously a lot of " stuff " gone on in your life with your mental health issues and losing your friendship group.

I think you should meet up with her without out your child. But you would need to try and go along with an open mind and not feeling resentful of what you perceive as lack of interest in yourself and your child. Because if you go along to meet her feeling resentful I don't think the meeting will go well.

Try and see this as a gesture of renewal of friendship.

VitaminSubtle · 08/11/2024 08:12

What is it you actually want, though? To be invited on the night out with the other friends you’re no longer in contact with? Would you actually go? How many times have you travelled to see her?

pinkdelight · 08/11/2024 08:17

I've got old friends up north who I don't see for years and we're still good friends. Things change with distance and with having DC, even without MH issues in the mix. If you like her, I wouldn't be closing off from the friendship. It sounds like you could do with keeping an old friend even if she's not the greatest.

Westfacing · 08/11/2024 08:25

Forget for now what's gone on in the past.

You're not an afterthought - your friend is making the most of her trip and has asked to see you.

A pp has suggested to not take your DD, I disagree with this - take her along to 'lighten the atmosphere' so the conversation doesn't get too deep or stray on to you expressing hurt feelings, etc. I hope you have a nice day meeting your friend and being out and about with your daughter.

user5438 · 08/11/2024 08:28

As an ex-army brat I’ve got a lot of good friends all over the country. We rarely text/call each other as each have our ‘home’ lives to be getting on with but we arrange to see each other once a year or so and it’s really lovely when we do see each other. It sounds as though she does want to see you, or would not have made plans, but maybe just has different expectations of how your day-to-day friendship operates.

Make the most of having a nice day out with a friend who wants to see you. Unlike PPs, I don’t think there’s a problem taking your toddler if you don’t have easy childcare arrangements but might be nice to have some adult time to really catch up.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/11/2024 08:31

You say she's made no effort to keep in touch...have you?

Sethera · 08/11/2024 08:32

I would see your friend - why not? You are over-thinking the whys and wherefores, just meet and enjoy catching up.

Even if your friendship is destined to fizzle in the future, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a catch-up now.

Newgirls · 08/11/2024 08:34

go! She wants to see you. She likes you.

you might be feeling conflicted as maybe you are sad about not going on the big night out? But don’t lose out because of that?

hadenoughofplayinggames · 08/11/2024 08:50

Sounds like you’re punishing her for still being friends with the people who you feel let you down.

She didn’t have to reach out to you - she could have had her night out with her friends and not bothered with you. You’re being unfair.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 08/11/2024 08:52

Have you offered to visit her since she las saw your daughter?
Friendships are not one-way streets