My best friend is dying and I'm not ok with it

[Justforone]

My best friend of twenty years was diagnosed with a rare cancer six months ago. She had surgery, was declared surgically cured (no cancer in lymph nodes, clear margins) and started preventative chemo but was told she was surgically cured. A few weeks ago they found a secondary tumour, and a few days ago they've told her it's spread to her lungs and she potentially only has a few months left. She's 35. What the actual fuck. I love her so much. How do I begin to get my head around this?! I'm snappy with my kids, and I want to go and see her but can't pop in as we're five hours apart. I'd drive up at a moment's notice, but I'm also aware that she needs space to process this bombshell. Am I being unreasonable to be out of sorts and a total rat bag to live with?! Any tips on how to move forward?

Offer to go and be led by your friend, you will know her well enough to know when 'no its ok' means yes but don't want to cause a bother / be a burden

Be prepared to be the strong person when around

I'm so sorry. A similar thing happened to my good friend and it knocked me for 6. She'd been given the all clear only weeks before. It's horrendous and there is nothing really anyone can say that will
Make you feel better. Give her space to talk whenever she needs to and make sure she knows she can say whatever she needs to, she doesn't need to check herself with you in the same way she might with partner, parents, kids. And i would say don't leave it too long to visit.

Make sure you have someone to talk to about it too. Everything you are feeling right now is understandable and it's hard when you are juggling life as well.

I feel for you. I am older than you but my closest friend has a life limiting illness that is impacting her and her family dreadfully now. I feel powerless yet we see each other when we can and I support in whatever way seems appropriate be that just chatting, WhatsApp, visiting, etc.
However, in private it sometimes overwhelms me.

In terms of moving forward, what helped me has been knowing I did everything I possible could to be a good friend to her and offered reassurance I would be there for her family as that was her biggest fear.

Oh I am so sorry. I have been where you are now, my lovely lovely friend was only 41 when she died. All you can do is be there and try to be responsive. She herself doesn't know how she's going to deal with this so she won't know what she needs and wants from you. With us, we never actually had the 'I am going to die' conversation. She just didn't want to do that, so we went on dealing with wig shopping and will planning and slapping on the fentanyl patches and just getting through it until the end. Everyone's journey is different but most of the processing, for the supporters and friends, happens after the end, in my experience. There is help for you too though and don't be afraid to ask. Its OK for you to be scared too.

I'm.so sorry. Its perfectly understandable that you are all over the place. So so sad. Go and see her if you can.

Thank you all. Yes, I was up last weekend (before the most recent bombshell) and will go up whenever she wants company (my partner is very supportive and will take time off as necessary). I guess a big concern for me is that she might soon feel too ill for visitors and that will turn out to be the last time I actually see her. I'm also scared that the end will be painful. She's been so positive and is so bright and ironically works in rare diseases which just feels like an absolute kick in the teeth.

I don't have much to add but I wanted to give you a virtual hug and say I understand. I lost my oldest friend to cancer just under 2 years ago and I miss her so much. How you are feeling is perfectly understandable, and I would say go up and spend as much time with her as you can if she's well enough.

Mine of 48 years has just died. I'm barely coping. I'm so sorry OP.

I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking news for your friend/ family and you. Your friend will need to process this information. Be there for them when they reach out. Listen and give them all the support they can. Be strong when you’re with them but be prepared to crumble when you leave them and get support for yourself too. It will be incredible hard so I send a virtual hug ur way. I lost one of my closest friends suddenly last year and so I understand how hard this is for you. Hugs and strength

Sending love to you. To everyone really.

I am on this journey with my friend and I am bereft. I let myself cry on the way to work because it’s cold on the walk from the car park so no one thinks I’ve been crying when I arrive with a red nose.

It’s absolutely awful.

I'm so sorry. My best friend died from cancer when she was 23. Fifteen years later I still miss her, and think about her every day.

Yes of course you can be grouchy at home. How could you not be.

I hope you get to see her regularly, but you'll know what she needs.

This bit will be painful, terribly so. But in time the bad bits will fade and the good memories come to the fore. I still love nothing more than when something reminds me of her.

Hey op, I can relate. My best mate died 2 years ago at 54 after acquiring a really rare autoimmune disease. Also another close friend died last week of pancreatic cancer only being diagnosed three months ago. I'm feeling a little shell shocked too.

I'd be guided by what she wants. Just be there at the end of the phone, texting etc. with my two friends that's exactly what I did she I have some lovely texts to treasure. My best friend didn't want to see me when she was very close to the end which I found a bit upsetting but it was her choice. We'd had a lovely night in a few weeks before when we talked and talked and put the world to rights and she told me her innermost fears and thoughts. Things she couldn't say to her husband. She had had enough by that point.

My other friend got so ill so quickly that I never got chance to have any meaningful conversations with her unfortunately as she was so poorly. The closest I got was the end of her hospital bed but she was sleeping so didn't know I was there.

You will get through this but I'm so sorry 😔

I’m sorry.

Same position as you but mine is in Australia. I’ve told her when I call I won’t mention the cancer but I want to be updated on all things around it so she has promised to do that. I don’t want all our interactions being dominated by it. Instead, I tell her how strong she is and try and lift her spirits as best I can by sharing music and podcasts. I bought some jewellery to send her recently which she loves. Her anxiety is through the roof (as is mine) so I find a lot of helpful books etc to send her around that. The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle was a recent gift she loved.

Keep telling her how much you love her and don’t let her give up fighting. Xx

I hate that so many of you have been through or are going through this as well. Pain and meds seem to be changing so fast that it's impossible to plan into the future - I just need her to know I'm serious about blasting over to see her at any point she feels able to see visitors. The cancer is moving so fast that I'm worried if we wait for a good day it might not come, but I don't want to impose on a bad day.

I don't know if it helps or not (feels like not) but as we are both scientists we have no comfort from the idea of any sort of afterlife or higher being. It's this life or nothing.

I'm not sure if I'm going to put this right. Whilst she has only got a certain amount of months left it is important that she, and you, still live them. Don't be counting down. Unless she leads you otherwise, don't dwell on the death side of things whilst you have her still her with her. It's hard but please don't grieve her yet, enjoy her whilst she is still here.

I lost a friend in a similar way last year. Her group of friends banded together. She didn't need us to tell her how bad things were. She knew far better than us how bad things were. We had a WhatsApp group and checked in daily. Just silly things from our history together or talking about things we knew interested her. She was very bossy and a bit of a knowitall so we'd drop in things she could could expound on and tell us off about!

In whatever small way you can, your job now is to keep her spirits up and contribute in whatever small way you can to making her last days as good as they can and ensuring she knows she has friends and is loved.

But from this thread you know a whole pile of people have been through the same as your so there is always somewhere you can go for support. Life is just crap sometimes.

I find the ‘battle’ and ‘fighting’ talk pretty awful TBH.

My friend has no chance against her cancer. It’s not a fight or a battle. She can’t ‘win’ or ‘lose’ It’s just a monstrous thing inside her that will kill her very soon regardless of anything she does.

@Justforone cab you say to her ‘I’m popping up on Monday - any chance for a cuppa?’ - your worst case is she says no. You will never regret asking her.

Just tell her you’re visitingon x date but will only stay for a couple of hours then stay in a hotel or somewhere close by so she’s not under any pressure. Maybe a walk together somewhere beautiful and a coffee.

Yeah I don't mention battle or fighting - it's totally out of her control. It's not like if she tried harder it would make any impact. It's biology, and biology is rogue. She's not dying because she hasn't tried hard enough.

I wish I could. But at five hours drive and needing my partner to take time off work and find a dog sitter it's a bit more complicated.

I have said before I can stay in a hotel if visitors are too much. That's fine. But it's a minimum of five hours drive and my party would need to take time off so I need agreement in advance. Which is tricky when how she feels is so unknown. And I don't want to apply pressure.

My heart goes out to you, OP, it’s such a hard thing. My choir buddy died lest year after a suddenly-diagnosed brain tumour. I never got to see her after she was diagnosed - she wanted to be control of when that happened and to my sorrow, she never felt well enough and the b&stard disease took her quickly. But I feel it was important as that was her choice, after all, this was not about me. Do go and see her soon, though, if you can x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My bestie died 9 years ago of cancer and I miss her every day, it’s such a lonely loss 😢. Dh was amazing and facilitated me seeing her loads in the last few months (she was a two hour drive away) and I don’t regret a minute of that time we spent together. If she can bear it take loads of photos too - I have a montage of them in my office and they make me smile every day ❤️

OP, I feel so much for you. A friend of mine died unexpectedly from pancreatitis and I recognise the feelings of guilt and inadequacy so very much.
I've also had cancer (don't know if I still have, but clear so far) and friends staying in touch, in whatever way, were so, so important. So I would say maintain the lines of communication - and communicate with the person you know, not a "cancer victim". It's really hard for you. Be kind to yourself, and do the best you can for her - which will be driven by her situation.

There is a book called 'What can I do to help' which I got second d hand which has been really helpful in navigating a similar thing