One of my best friends is draining on days out

[Ellsbells22]

For context - me & some of my best friends (we’ve been pals since primary school, all in our late 30s now) spend days out with the kids quite frequently.
Particular friend has 3 DC under the age of 6. Which yes, it’s hard, I’ve been there.

The problem is, when we are out it can be so emotionally draining. All she talks about is her own children, who are present and has 0 interest in any of ours, the convo always reverts back to her kids. She never has conversations with puts, when we all take an active interest in hers… she expects us to remember every detail of their lives and gets agitated if we don’t… if one of them falls and we don’t see it she gets stressed as if we were meant to have. Wouldn’t mind but she never ever reciprocates. If her kids are doing anything they shouldn’t be, she’s defensive if we gently redirect them, but very quick to tell ours off… as in snappy. I feel like we are on eggshells!
Don’t get me wrong, I love her kids, they’re brilliant. She’s a brilliant mum and as a person she’s great! We can’t avoid not going out with her or not seeing her as she’s a best friend. If this was discussed with her it would cause a HUGE racket.
Just don’t know what to do!

I would start being exactly the same back to her about our kids. Every time she misses a sniffle, forgets the favourite colour of one of yours, even so much as raises her voice half an octave towards your kids - I'd do exactly what she does, LOUDLY.

I deal with friends like that by suggesting a afternoon or evening at the bingo. No kids allowed there. But that won't help you if it's meeting with the kids.

Stop tiptoeing around her and have the row.

See we used to meet up without a lot, but now our friendship group has grown in children, it’s just difficult for some of us!

Ugh, if you knew you her you wouldn’t want the row lol, but it’s coming!! We’ve always tiptoed around her in every aspect tbh!

You don't want to not see her and you don't want to raise the issue with her. So all you can do is some passive aggressive shit or indulge her.

You could look into identifying a couple of behaviours that really irk you and nudging them, massive praise for anytime she shows an interest in your kids/life, changing to a neutral topic every time she gets boring, etc.

"as a person she’s great!"

She does not sound that great, actually. She seems to have 0 interest in any of you? Only interested in talking about her own children? And you feel like you are on eggshells when you are spending time with her. Not a great feeling for you!

I understand that she is a long time friend, and that you love her, but she does not sound like good company.

I don't have any advice.

Maybe rather than criticizing her, be more vocal about your own needs

Like 'girls I know you have lots to share about your kids but can I brag/vent/ask about mine for a bit?'

Could you voice your needs without shaming her? I have a friend like this, lovely but very inward focussed (actually I think I can be a bit like that when it comes to my precious DD too!) and I don't think she really means to be so focussed on herself and her kids, but with three so little and close in age, maybe she is just perpetually overwhelmed. Also, if she doesn't have much other support, you might be her whole village.
With my DD, I can definitely be ultra focussed. I am working on it, and I try to monitor myself and I would take it on board if a friend said: Can we just brag/vent/focused on my DC for a minute please?
Because I love my friends kids and they're important to me. But when you have an almost two year old who is finding their voice and testing skills and boundaries, it can be all consuming

You've said she's great, but she sounds far from great. Self absorbed with little care and respect for you.
I would treat her as she treats you, You've said it would cause a huge racket... let it. Get the issues out and tell her how you feel. What exactly would she say?

Yes, agree with previous posters. She doesn’t sound great, just self absorbed and boring.

Just sounds like every parent I've ever met tbh, I'm sure you do the same (and would do it more if she let you, which is why you're annoyed). No one is actually interested in anyone else's kids, it's just politeness and she's clearly going on too long.

Wow, really? I actually really love and care for my friend’s kids and enjoy hearing about them but it goes both ways!

The thing is she has the most support out of all of us from her own parents and in laws. She just adores her children and wants everyone to adore them too.
I think she is still overwhelmed when she’s out and just parents very differently (ie she won’t watch them as closely as she should bc she won’t want to miss out on chatting to us, our kids are all at an independent age so don’t need watching as closely). But we all do take turns to watch hers as it’s hard with littles totally get that.
She gets very flustered if we meet somewhere first and she’s not there first as she panics trying to find us, even though we tell her where we are and then get a bit of a mouthful eg “I was ringing you? I didn’t know where you were?” And it can be so confrontational.
I have taken a step back a few times when she’s been too overwhelming and avoided her for a few months. I think she’s incapable of reflecting on her actions sometimes.
I sound awful just focusing on the negative because she’s great to get along with usually! Despite the kids!

Sorry I didn’t even respond to your Q. I’m not sure how I could approach it without shaming her because I really don’t want to hurt her feelings! I always try and redirect the conversation if it gets too much. Even when we meet just as adults for drinks she will corner someone and talk about kids, half of our friendship group don’t have them and as much as they like to know how they are, the whole conversation can’t be about kids! Ugh. Thanks so much x

I have a friend like this. Every time we meet up I call it the Sophie show as no one else can speak. She was going on and on the other day and it was all doom and gloom. I asked one of the other girls how her new job was going and how I like her top and Sophie looked at her bloody watch!! I said sorry are we boring you? So utterly selfish.

I genuinely don’t unless someone asks. Which as friends we do ask each other, or the kids themselves as they’re old enough but then we catch up. It’s not why I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed because another friend would be talking to me about something and she will cut in half the time.

oh wow! You’re in the same boat then haha. It gets to a point where we have to keep other meet ups without her quiet, which none of us like doing! I wish I could be as bold but she lacks social skills and would probs be defensive back!

stop tiptoeing.

When she starts hogging the conversation - interrupt (make sure that you have at least one ally here) and change the subject. Every time. Preferably to something about your grown up lives not about children.

She doesnt sound great, she sounds selfish, completely self absorbed and highly annoying.

Plus, you apparently cant even talk to her about it without WW3 starting.

Why do you even want to continue this friendship? have you actually thought about whether she is really a good friend or not? sometimes we put people in boxes without considering if they even deserve to be in there in the first place.

She would deny, get defensive, argue. It’s hard because I obviously wouldn’t want her to think I don’t care! Maybe she would reflect but she would never apologise for her actions at all.

I’d actually probably have a 121 with her give her a bit of a warning and if she doesn’t improve stop seeing her so much.

I’ve had (note the word “had”) a friend like this and now she isn’t one and no I don’t miss her despite us being best friends at one point.

I would message the group and say I fancy a night out where we don't talk about kids for a change. Just us adults, no children talk at all.

She probably won't come along.

Tbh with you, she is the one friend that doesn’t judge me and usually always has my back with things, and vice versa with her. In our adult world of course. This is what I mean by she is a nice person when it comes down to it. Her kids are her ultimate world and I get that, she’s a great mum! But yeh, it’s just this aspect of our friendship that can be hard. I would say we should just socialise as adults but she doesn’t make the time for that unless it’s a special occasion.

See I used to do this all the time!! I don’t think she would come actually! We’ve already arranged Xmas drinks and she’s not coming.

If she's been a good friend since you were at school and it's only now, as the mum of three under 6, that's she's like this, I'd put it down to overwhelm/anxiety/being to deep in the kid zone. Limit days out for now and pick-up with her again when she's out of the woods.

I have actually started to do this as I started to take how she treated my son personally sometimes. She would be quick to tell him off when he didn’t need it. Never thank him when he helped her with her kids (I think kids should always be appreciated!) and he helps her everytime we are out. I think I will continue to do this until she gets the hint! I just hate being like that!