Husband giving me the silent treatment 🙄

[BathToysEverywhere]

So dh and I had a disagreement this morning and I’m still this evening being given the silent treatment. This is his default reaction whenever I say or do something he doesn’t like and I’m getting sick of it tbh. We’ve got a nearly 4 year old DS who seems to be struggling a bit with his emotions at the moment. DS can get quite frustrated and angry when we say no to things and this can sometimes manifest into him trying to break his toys. My view on how to address this is to support him with these emotions, explain it’s not ok to break his toys but give him alternative options to let out his anger/frustration eg. hit a cushion etc. DH’s method is to shout at DS, which in my opinion doesn’t have any affect whatsoever apart from escalate DS anger more and probably damage his self esteem. Anyway this morning dh said to DS during a mild version of one of these outbursts ‘we’ll have to send you to nursery if you can’t behave.’ Again, some context, DS has been struggling with going to nursery recently, he goes for 2.5 days a week and we’ve just got to a point where he’s fairly happy to go. I said to my dh this morning, it’s not a good idea to use nursery as a punishment. I think this is a totally fair, reasonable and valid thing to say. But dh thought otherwise. He completely flew off the handle at me, started shouting at me in front of DS, saying I can’t control our child etc etc. Then stormed off upstairs, went to work without saying goodbye, and has been giving me the silent treatment ever since. Maybe I’m wrong but AIBU to think this is a completely unfair reaction?

No you're right, it's unreasonable behaviour. It's controlling, immature and borderline abuse. I'd also gently point out that your son's reactions to being held accountable for his behaviour (which is totally understandable from a young child!) are being modelled by his dad. It sounds like they're both finding it hard to manage their emotions, which sound exhausting for you.

Your husband uses control and punishment for behaviours he perceives as resisting control, which are typical for authoritarians. Would he consider learning a different style of parenting? It might be best if the suggestion didn't come from you.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. The rest of his behaviour isn't much better

This is abuse. It’s going to get worse as the years go on. He’ll start doing it to the children too. Good luck. Men like this don’t get better in my opinion, so there isn’t anything else I can say apart from wishing you luck.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. He needs to address this. If he can't or won't, you should probably reconsider the relationship, as it won't getter better with time. It always gets worse.

Yep, agree that some of your DH's behaviour sounds a bit abusive. He is shouting at you for no reason in front of your child and suggesting you are controlling your child when you are actually trying to protect him.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you should let him know you won't tolerate being shouted at, especially not in front of your child (if it is safe for you to do so). This is abusive and can have negative consequences for your child.

You could try relationship counselling to get him to understand the impact of his actions but if it doesn't work, you may have to decide whether you want the relationship to continue if your husband has no concerns about shouting at you in front of your child as well as shouting at your child.

What he said about nursery is completely unreasonable and he shouldn't be using that you was in the right and how old is your husband because he's acting like a complete asshole seriously shouting in front of your child is not ok and the child could potentially go to nursery and say daddy's shouting at mummy and quite right they would report that to child services your not in the wrong here he is tell him to sort his f*king shit out or move out

YANBU.

You need to decide if your DP is being the parent and partner you need in your lives or of it they will change.

I grew up in a household like this and blame my lifelong anxiety on it. Please don't let your children grow up in this tense atmosphere. My Dad would give us the silent treatment for up to 2 weeks. It was hell and my Mum never did anything to protect us from it.

What everyone else has said so far.

With the additional observation that DH is really stupid to be using the idea of "send you to nursery" as a punishment. What a bl@@dy stupid thing to say - he is creating a problem right thete.

I would tell a child off for trying to break toys, not say hey come and hit this cushion instead. He shouldn't have used nursery as a punishment that was a stupid thing to do. But it sounds like you are both on totally different pages about how to parent your child. I always see people on MN say how not speaking to someone is abuse. I personally feel that's a stretch, and when people get angry with one another they need some time. You need to speak to one another as grown ups and agree on how to parent your child, and both stay firm when a tantrum happens.

Silent treatment is classed as domestic violence. It's not borderline abuse. It is abuse. Join it up with everything else he does and it doesn't sound as if id want my bairn witnessing it all the time tbh.

He's an abuser. You're being abused and need to seek help.

I mean honestly, I realise nobody ever takes this seriously, but you should leave him

@Konfuzzled If the OP and her DH separate, courts priority is giving half time to each parent. Not the welfare of the child.

Meaning, a four year old would be left with an adult who is emotionally immature at best for half the week without OP to buffer the silent treatment etc.

Imagine being four years old and having no one to acknowledge your reality and challenge the abuse? It's an awful alternative but the current situation is barely any better.

Yes, this, parental roles reversed. It’s incredibly damaging.

@Godoit I always see people on MN say how not speaking to someone is abuse. I personally feel that's a stretch, and when people get angry with one another they need some time.

The silent treatment is not equivalent to taking time because you’re angry. It’s calculated, it’s entirely controlled by the person doing it, and it’s a tool of power. It’s also used whenever the person wants a power kick, it’s not always linked to an event or used in proportion to the incident it’s blamed on. And it’s not just MN that says it’s an abuse. It is recognised widely as an abusive tactic.

I think there is the possibility that rather than the silent treatment being calculated to hurt her it is that he has no idea how to express negative feelings.

i think therapy is an option to consider.

OP, you have all my sympathy. This is a difficult situation but I am confident you can work through it.
You and your husband have a clash of parenting styles. Many fathers have an instinct towards discipline. This is natural, and shouldn't be pathologised as 'abuse'. You however, being a mother, want to help your son work through his emotions. I would say that because your son is still very young, your instincts are probably the correct ones for now, but I think you should do some research into evidence based parenting and see what you can find. I have looked into attachment parenting for example, but there will be lots to read about the more traditional style which your husband wants to practice.

I absolutely HATE the silent treatment. I feel for you there! My stepdad says that it's to do with men needing to go into their 'cave' and have space. He read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus a long time ago lol.

You need to keep extremely calm and be rational when dealing with a man prone to obstinacy. When I stopped getting upset during disagreements with my husband, just being cool as a cucumber, the power flipped in my favour and the difference was night and day. Wait until he is speaking to you again and just start a conversation. Be calm and friendly and say that you want to work out how you are going to parent your little man together now that he is getting older. Say that you want it to be an open and fair discussion and that you are one team, working for the benefit of your son. Show him your research and give him lots of chances to talk about his concerns and how he feels. I imagine he is worried that your son is going to grow up undisciplined, but if you can show him that your son is too young to respond to that kind of parenting, that will assuage him. Make sure your husband knows he and his input as a dad is valued. If this goes well, perhaps mention how you would like to discuss your problems in this way in future, rather than ignoring each other. This method has worked well for me in the past and brought my husband and I closer together.

As much as you are angry and upset at your husband, the key is to rise above your emotions and try to find actual solutions. You might be right to blame your husband but it's not going to fix your problem.The divorce brigade will always advocate separation but you don't have to listen to them. They never tell you that one of the biggest traumas you can inflict on a child is divorce.

Good luck! Xxx

Perhaps your son's emotional struggles are rooted in the fact he's living in an emotionally abusive household. If you can't get your oh to take his actions seriously and make real change then honestly the best thing would be to leave to protect your child.

My thoughts exactly

You are both being abused by him.
What are you going to do to protect your child?
If you have family near by, pack a bag and go.

@AlertCat my opinion is my opinion. And thats OK.

Then you say "I need some time to calm down/go for a walk, etc, then we talk". You don't just ignore your partner when they ask you if you would like a cup of tea. The fact that silent treatment is a form of abuse is not my opinion, it's an established fact.

Great, however it's still my opinion that's its a stretch calling it abuse.