Husband giving me the silent treatment 🙄

[BathToysEverywhere]

So dh and I had a disagreement this morning and I’m still this evening being given the silent treatment. This is his default reaction whenever I say or do something he doesn’t like and I’m getting sick of it tbh. We’ve got a nearly 4 year old DS who seems to be struggling a bit with his emotions at the moment. DS can get quite frustrated and angry when we say no to things and this can sometimes manifest into him trying to break his toys. My view on how to address this is to support him with these emotions, explain it’s not ok to break his toys but give him alternative options to let out his anger/frustration eg. hit a cushion etc. DH’s method is to shout at DS, which in my opinion doesn’t have any affect whatsoever apart from escalate DS anger more and probably damage his self esteem. Anyway this morning dh said to DS during a mild version of one of these outbursts ‘we’ll have to send you to nursery if you can’t behave.’ Again, some context, DS has been struggling with going to nursery recently, he goes for 2.5 days a week and we’ve just got to a point where he’s fairly happy to go. I said to my dh this morning, it’s not a good idea to use nursery as a punishment. I think this is a totally fair, reasonable and valid thing to say. But dh thought otherwise. He completely flew off the handle at me, started shouting at me in front of DS, saying I can’t control our child etc etc. Then stormed off upstairs, went to work without saying goodbye, and has been giving me the silent treatment ever since. Maybe I’m wrong but AIBU to think this is a completely unfair reaction?

Your DH sounds like the over emotional one here on what planet does he think threats like that help a 4 year old. And giving you the silent treatment? Is he 8?

I would be having some really stern words about modelling decent behaviour because he sounds like a prick. I couldn't live with someone who did the silent treatment.

Your DH isn’t modelling good behaviour regulation to your DS is he. Your DH is handling it badly and silent treatment is a punishment if it moves beyond having a bit of space to calm down.

DH and I were careful not to disagree about parenting in front of the DC when they were young. We disagreed plenty in private but not in front of the children.

Your husband and son sound like they deal with emotions in an incredibly similar way, I guess your husband’s parents just shouted at him when he was a kid and perhaps he has adopted the same line of discipline, does one of his parents sulk as well, it’s usually learned behaviour, and of course you don’t want your son to adopt this same thing.

I don’t know if you can but you need to talk with your husband and find a common ground with discipline, neither of your methods sound like they work, but your son does need to realise consequences for breaking things. You are rightly frustrated with your husband sulking and he is rightly frustrated with you not telling off your child or showing consequences for breaking their possessions. Your child will learn from you both that he can break toys, be angry and sulk and on it goes.

Obviously this is 100% from your perspective, so you come across as the completely reasonable parent and your husband is being called abusive. I don’t think he’s abusive, you don’t sound scared of him, but are you so convinced you are right and he is wrong that he’s had enough of it? Just a thought, try and ask him what you think you should both do about your son and start a discussion from there, but don’t completely rule out his thoughts and methods, the consequence he gave of going to nursery might not be the best, but there has to be some consequence for bad behaviour, you both need to find it.

The silent treatment, aka sulking is always performed for an audience, and it is intended to punish that audience. Nobody ever sulks in an empty room.