To stay in a marriage because of how upset 14 year old DS has a?

[AlwaysConfuzzled]

DS has ADHD and struggles with hid emotions

DD is 12 ASD and doesn’t have a close relationship with dad ( he suspects he is also ASD as they are so similar which actually makes their relationship a difficult one )

After a good few years of trying to make the marriage work, I have become very depressed and emotionally wrecked to the point I have asked for a divorce

DH doesn’t see why the fact he never wants to talk to me, doesn’t enjoy doing anything with me ( or DS really unless it’s a shared hobby ) doesn’t emotionally support me in any way and whenever I get upset tells me I’m being ridiculous, show any affection unless he wants sex would mean that I don’t want to be with him anymore

We broke up 5 years ago for a year and lived together as he wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t afford to leave and it was hell

DS is begging me to try again, says he will never forgive me and that I have ruined his life 😢

I feel sick with worry every minute of the day now

No you cannot stay with a terrible husband because your DS wants you to. What is he scared of if you separate?

Oh, this sounds so difficult. This time would you be able to live in your own houses? He might remember the horrible time before

This isn't DS' relationship, he doesn't get a say. He may act out etc but you cannot stay in a shitty marriage and destroy yourself.

What's the relationship status at the moment and why is DS now saying this?

You need to take care of yourself and do what's right for you, you being happy will be better for your children as well. I understand that it's hard for your son but he will have to adapt, and when you are happier he will be as well. I think at that age, any child will tell us that we are ruining their lives for all sorts of things, but you aren't.

You could back down and agree not to leave. But when will it be ok to leave? After he has left school? When he has moved out? After he has a family of his own? He’s just a kid who can see that his whole world will change. That’s scary enough for an NT kid, but for a kid with additional issues, I’d imagine it would be terrifying.

You have to bite the bullet and do it. Don’t do it and then back down, or let yourself be talked into trying again. He needs to know that you’re in control, you have an aim and that you know what you’re doing.

I don't understand what youve told your son here that makes him think you need to 'try again'? Have you overshared with a 12 year old? It should've just been, Mum and Dad aren't together now, a fact not a negotiation

Just comfort him and reiterate that everything will be fine, but don’t back down and don’t stay in an awful marriage. It’s nerves that are making him feel upset and fear of the unknown, it will all work out.

No, you need to explain to your son that it is not possible. You have already tried again and adults sometimes have to take these decisions which in turn are better for everyone in the long run. I’d get him some professional help to support with the transition.

Are you physically moving apart this time?

if you are still able to live together, that seems to imply there is no violence, abuse, or constant arguing while married. You are unfulfilled and unhappy, but the family still runs reasonably well.

if you are separating, but still living together, all you are doing is introducing stress into the situation. You can’t actually seek fulfillment in that situation. You might as well just accept the status quo until you can actually leave.

I'm sorry op 😔

Are you in a position to move out? How will the separation work?

I'd get everything sorted in my head first before telling the kids though x

Sorry my initial post was rushed and I missed a lot of detail out
To answer the replies ( thank you for those ) we will be basically sharing the house but not being in it at the same time
50% of the week I will be living with my sister ( 2 evenings and Saturday all day ) and the others he will be living with his parents

Neither of us can afford an additional property anywhere near this area so until the children finish their schooling it will be like this

DH wants to stay living together full time but as i said we did split up 5 years ago and cohabited and the atmosphere was absolutely awful - horrible comments and questioning every move I made if I left the house at all

There hasn’t been intentional over sharing but because there have been constant bickering arguments ( not full blown screaming or anything like that ) DS thinks I’m completely unreasonable for not “ trying again “
i guess the fact he also remembers the split before an then us trying again also makes him feel like that is an option

The guilt is completely consuming me 😢

My sister was in a very similar situation. She stayed in an awful relationship because her 10 yo Dd really pressurised her into staying.
8 years later my sister got the courage to leave and the one massive regret of her life is that she didn’t do it sooner. She is 4 years down the line now and she has never been happier, She looks back and knows without a doubt that her dc would have had better teenage years if they’d separated because they wouldn’t have had to put up with more years of bickering, awful atmospheres and a very unhappy mum.

Please see the situation as a whole and not just through your Ds eyes. It’s important you are happy, you deserve it and in the long run it will be better for your DC.

It’s best to not treat DS as an adult as he doesn’t understand the complexities of how relationships work yet.

It’s a big burden to put on him if do you get back together with your DH only because DS begged you to. There has to be your own reasons to do that.

Your DS is allowed to be a child and express his sadness and the begging is part of the processing a difficult situation for him. He needs for you to take the decision that is best for everyone with your adult hat on. There is every possibility he may turn around years later in relation to what he said at the time and say “but I was just a child!” (My daughter).

I think living in the same house albeit at planned different times is a recipe for disaster and upset for everyone.

See a solicitor and work out how you can make a clean break

And you know he’s going to find an excuse not to go to his parents now and again, then a bit more, then he’s back in. And the kids? I take it they stay in the house? I agree with the pp, this is a recipe for disaster.

I’ve seen a solicitor
Theres physically no way for us both to afford accommodation
Im a carer for my DD ( aged 12 so hopefully this will change in the not too distant further ) who is homeschooled as she was unable to cope with mainstream / specialist due to such high anxiety

Have you looked into all the benefits/tax credits you could get if you were on your own with the children?

i don’t suppose the atmosphere at home will be helping your dd with anxiety either.

Can you sell the house and even rent for a while?

As long as you both live in the same house your DC will think you can get back together you need to make a break. What if one of you decides you need to stay there on the others day for some reason.

Also you say your DS has behaviour very similar your DH and whilst that may be because they are ND if you want your DS to grow up and manage to have successful relationships then you have to demonstrate that regardless of ND you still have to learn to modify your behaviour to make them work.

Have you checked out https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
You can try out different scenarios on there.

You need to look at this situation in a different way which is very difficult when you are in the eye of the storm.

You have 2 high needs children and your marriage is over.

You need to live separately from you hopefully soon to be ex husband and have a place where you can live and care for your daughter and son.

Why do you need to live in the area you do now?

If you sell up how much equity will you get?

If necessary try the 50/50 living arrangements while the house is up for sale but only on that basis. Which makes the separation real and with an end point.

You son is going to continue struggling with his emotional regulation he is a child, he is emotionally immature and he will be ok it is just going to be really hard while the transition happens. I have a DD with ADHD/ autism and she hates change, while getting easily bored which is a great combination 😄 any kind of emotional upset is really difficult she is self centered while at the same time kind and empathetic. But neurodiversity brings unique challenges as she struggles with putting herself in the mindset of the other people around her, but if you explain she will understand (while being very distressed that people may think badly of her). This is why ADHD is hard, it is a constant emotional storm. The best you can do is be decisive and ride it out.

By delaying the inevitable, you are drawing out the pain rather than reducing it.

If after looking at all the options - including maximising your income. Are you claiming all the benefits? Has your daughter got an EHCP? You really cannot separate for solid financial reasons then you need to make a plan and stick to it for living peacefully and separately but really there must be a way to end this marriage for all your sakes.

Good luck.

Sorry for the late reply

The house is rented - I’m going to massively struggle to pay the rent alone as it’s way more than the LA allowance says it should be

Its been agreed now that it will only be one overnight a week that he is in the house and I will go elsewhere

My son is just so upset I’m struggling to be strong about it all