To stay in a marriage because of how upset 14 year old DS has a?

[AlwaysConfuzzled]

DS has ADHD and struggles with hid emotions

DD is 12 ASD and doesn’t have a close relationship with dad ( he suspects he is also ASD as they are so similar which actually makes their relationship a difficult one )

After a good few years of trying to make the marriage work, I have become very depressed and emotionally wrecked to the point I have asked for a divorce

DH doesn’t see why the fact he never wants to talk to me, doesn’t enjoy doing anything with me ( or DS really unless it’s a shared hobby ) doesn’t emotionally support me in any way and whenever I get upset tells me I’m being ridiculous, show any affection unless he wants sex would mean that I don’t want to be with him anymore

We broke up 5 years ago for a year and lived together as he wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t afford to leave and it was hell

DS is begging me to try again, says he will never forgive me and that I have ruined his life 😢

I feel sick with worry every minute of the day now

How would the homeschooling work if you’re not in the house 50% of the time?
Presumably your oh works full time?

Yes he works full time
The 50% of the time will be evenings and weekends

You can't stay locked into a dead marriage because ds is blackmailing you emotionally. It will be better for everyone eventually if you are happy yourself .

He’s leaving tomorrow
i feel such guilt

You deserve happiness and the kids will benefit enormously from not being in a tense home with bickering and having a mum whose struggling with that.

A 12 year old isn’t old enough to understand the complexities of marriage and your own wellbeing, you can’t make a decision based on his wants when it comes to your marriage. He’s allowed his feelings about it but ultimately you haven’t done anything wrong! Look at counselling/support for him if you think he will engage.

Regarding the 50/50 part.

Did you mean you are going to have to leave the house when he is not at work because that's what it sounds like. Fuck that.

Yes so the plan is that he will visit the children 3 evenings a week and then a Friday all night until Saturday evening

He doesn’t have a safe place to have them as his mum has severe mental health issues so I didn’t feel it was fair to say he can’t see the kids here

If your son has ASD, he will be very anxious at the unknown of what will happen and very affected by time away from you. Change will be hard for him, even harder than neurotypical children. Can you be very clear and outline what will happen- what his routine will look like? Can you minimise separation from you if possible. His outbursts and telling you you will ruin his life are very typical of ASD and helping him with transition will help. You can’t stay with your husband because of it.

Hi OP. You absolutely cannot stay in this marriage
But the living arrangements sound very messy indeed and will be confusing emotionally for the children.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and wish you all the best x

This is lot a marriage op, it’s a loveless, joyless prison sentence.

You have already stayed too long and wasted five precious years with this man.

You need to be much firmer with your son, and tell him nothing will change. Both parents will continue to love and care for him but you will not remain married. He does not get to force you to stay in a relationship that is blatantly so harmful.

You will be showing him by example what is expected to maintain relationships. Affection, love and interest is STANDARD in relationships op and not a huge ask at all. Please end this marriage and explain to them how most relationships remain healthy and happy. In time, you might meet someone and show them in person.

You have put up with too much already, no wonder you are depressed.