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AIBU?

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Original poster

To sometimes hate having more than one child

34 replies

ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 19:54

God knows which one I’d return as I do love them both, but together they are unbearable. They are 3, nearly 4, and 16 months.

They fight CONSTANTLY. I am exhausted with it. I got back from nursery with them at 430, in that time the older one shoved the baby off the sofa completely unprovoked, she did absolutely nothing.

At bedtime I can’t even read them stories as they fight to be on my lap, the babysitting the older one, the older one annoying the baby by refusing to let her lift the flap on her baby books. Squabble, argue, fight constantly.

I have an older brother, and I used to think my parents were just not very good at managing us. Now I know better. I hate having them both, but I love them individually. My baby is so chilled and easy and smiley without her brother around. If I just had my older one he’d be starting school this September and I’d have some freedom back.

I hate being a mum to two. Hate it.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/11/2024 19:56

Do you have a partner? Can you do a bedtime each?

FreshOrangeJuice · 06/11/2024 19:56

i have 4 and all they do is argue and they are much older, people have told me i’m lucky as they can “all play together” but they never play together they just argue and fight all day it’s relentless has not got better for me if anything they argue more

Wasywasydoodah · 06/11/2024 19:58

It gets better (usually!) hand on in there

newyearsresolurion · 06/11/2024 19:58

Hang in there!! I could have written the same this evening after my toddler drove me insane all day . I feel traumatised haha. I have nothing to say but hopefully it will get better with time.

Original poster
ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:05

I hope so but I feel like my life will just be indignant screams as soon as I turn my back for a long time. I’m feeling really low about it. I can’t even read bloody books with them!

OP posts:
V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:06

You are at the worst bit, they don't have much in common at that age . Mine are the same age gap. Just keep plugging away at keeping order - turn taking for everything etc. Your flap in the book, then yours, then yours.

Come down hard now on rough behaviour - immediate consequences and nip it in the bud. Encourage elder to like younger by making playing together fun & rewarding for him.

Just wait til they are 4 and 6, and no one wakes you til 8.30 on sunday morning because they are happily playing dens together in one of their bedrooms.

They are bored shitless if the other isn't around, it'd be awful being a parent to either one of them without the other!!

Sellingbedtime · 06/11/2024 20:06

You don't understand how easy having one is until you add the 2nd into the mix.

My two are the same in some ways. I vary rarely take them out on my own together as they are just on different (exhausting) wavelengths. My eldest has just started school so now it feels a bit easier.

3 and 16mo are tough ages, two toddlers! It will get easier OP. I know it's easier said then done but give yourself some grace. In their eyes you are the most wonderful mum, why wouldn't they fight to sit on your lap ☺️

V0xPopuli · 06/11/2024 20:07

Also have older one sit in their room for 10-15 mins with books etc while you read/tuck in younger, then spend 15 mins reading to elder. That way they each get a little time with you & you aren't dealing with them scrapping over the book.

RhaenysRocks · 06/11/2024 20:09

I'm afraid mine are worse now as teens. One of each sex, two years apart. I call the dynamic between them an extra child that I have to wrangle and manage. They're not into anything at all the same and I'm a single parent so I can't divide and conquer. Most attempts at a family activity results in whining at best and fighting and bitching at each other at worst. They actually used to be quite sweet and play lots of games together 🙄

Original poster
ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:10

In their eyes you are the most wonderful mum, why wouldn't they fight to sit on your lap ☺️ and I shouted at them 😭

The baby is very clingy but the older one has always had a streak of dog in the manger about his character and it’s got worse since the baby arrived.

OP posts:
Original poster
ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:12

@RhaenysRocks this is what I worry about. My brother has always been a bit difficult and I didn’t really enjoy having him around as a child / teen. I understand so much more now how difficult it must have been for my mum (and dad but mum bore the brunt of it!) But at the time I was just very resentful.

I really wanted a calm, loving home where my children were respectful and loving to one another but that’s just not what is happening.

OP posts:
Motherofdragons20 · 06/11/2024 20:20

Ohh I hear you! Mines are 3 nearly 4 and 18 months so I’m right there with you. It’s constant they fight absolutely constantly, I knew siblings fought but I honestly didn’t expect it this soon! If you have a partner, divide and conquer at bedtime. Remind yourself (over and over and over) that this is a season and as the baby gets bigger they may still fight but it will be a fair fight and you can let them get on with it haha! As they grow the age gap will get less and they will play together. Put the to on when you need to, get them outside as much as possible. And know that it will pass ( at least that’s what I tell myself)

FreshOrangeJuice · 06/11/2024 20:27

RhaenysRocks · 06/11/2024 20:09

I'm afraid mine are worse now as teens. One of each sex, two years apart. I call the dynamic between them an extra child that I have to wrangle and manage. They're not into anything at all the same and I'm a single parent so I can't divide and conquer. Most attempts at a family activity results in whining at best and fighting and bitching at each other at worst. They actually used to be quite sweet and play lots of games together 🙄

exactly mine are 13 12 10 and 7 and are worse now, they all argue like crazy, those saying it gets better when? when they are adults? 😂

Danascully2 · 06/11/2024 20:31

Mine are older primary and still fight loads, it's exhausting, but overall it's still easier than your ages because they spend a lot of time doing activities out of the house. There is less physical fighting and more verbal needling each other.

SunQueen24 · 06/11/2024 20:33

Agree OP and I am mostly on my own with mine too. They are now 3 and 5 and they fight a lot still but honestly also play together and keep each other amused. The older one helps the younger one and away from home really takes care of him. They’re a pleasure now (most) of the time. But until the youngest was 3 it was hell on earth.

housethatbuiltme · 06/11/2024 20:35

That's just what siblings do though.

I spent 10 years as an only child then go a sibling and got blamed for everything as he constantly picked fights I tried to avoid, I left home 6 years later... still glad I have a sibling though even if he is stubborn as an ass and we rarely talk. Its a unique bond and I prefer it to being an only child having had experience of both.

My DH has a twin and they are literally best friends who do loads together even as adults, however they have fought so bad as kids they actually broke bones though.

Just is what it is.

LegoHouse274 · 06/11/2024 20:36

FreshOrangeJuice · 06/11/2024 20:27

exactly mine are 13 12 10 and 7 and are worse now, they all argue like crazy, those saying it gets better when? when they are adults? 😂

Show quote history

I'm sure it's not much consolation but I certainly remember fighting a lot with both of my younger siblings right through til I left home for uni (and in the case of one sibling, a little beyond that too). As adults we rarely argue, we all talk at least a few times a week, me and one sibling remain living close to each other and our DPs, and we are a close, supportive family. So yes, hopefully when they are adults if not before!

Original poster
ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:36

Sometimes they are so lovely together but I do feel quite stretched, I feel like neither gets the best of me.

The sad thing is I love being with them individually. But I rarely get a chance to be with DS on his own and feel bad about this. With DD she’s so lovely and I enjoy her so much it’s hard not to feel fed up.

OP posts:
minipie · 06/11/2024 20:36

Mine fight a LOT and god is it wearing

However they also seem to gravitate to each other instead of finding separate spaces to be in (even if it’s only to wind each other up 🙄)

So they must like each other in some way… right??

GivingitToGod · 06/11/2024 20:39

ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:05

I hope so but I feel like my life will just be indignant screams as soon as I turn my back for a long time. I’m feeling really low about it. I can’t even read bloody books with them!

Love and hate are closely connected OP. You are being pulled in all directions and your reserves are low. Do you have a partner/any support? Someone to share the load. Looking after very young children is relentless and exhausting and don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. I believe things will get better and IMO, it is better to have siblings than being an only child

AgainandagainandagainSS · 06/11/2024 20:45

They are not at nice ages atm OP. Give it time. In a few years you will have very different children.

Callipygion · 06/11/2024 20:58

They sound like my two. It only took about 20 years before they started getting on better together 🤣

Original poster
ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 21:00

That’s exactly what mine do @minipie .

@GivingitToGod thanks, I do have a husband but he’s not around much in the week. He’s away overnight tonight. Back tomorrow but it will be late, after they are both asleep.

@AgainandagainandagainSS i really hope so, I feel so so guilty all of the time. Most of my friends only have one child and their lives seem so much calmer.

OP posts:
FootballGrump · 06/11/2024 21:05

Eventually, having two will be a lot more fun.
Mine also squabbled when very young. Now they still squabble occasionally, but mostly they play games together, find ways to keep each other entertained, take care of one another, and it’s such a relief to not be the only source of entertainment!

you’ll look back one day and feel very thankful you put up with the early days to get to a future where your children get along.
just keep teaching them to be kind to one another, however hard now, and reminding them that they need to take care of each other, that it’s special
to have a sibling and not be all alone, etc.
find ways to reward them for when they are nice to each other (eg instead of just one story at bed time, lucky them, they can have two with eh choosing one, and taking turns for the lap, etc)

SquawkerTexasRanger · 06/11/2024 21:10

ijustneedawayout · 06/11/2024 20:36

Sometimes they are so lovely together but I do feel quite stretched, I feel like neither gets the best of me.

The sad thing is I love being with them individually. But I rarely get a chance to be with DS on his own and feel bad about this. With DD she’s so lovely and I enjoy her so much it’s hard not to feel fed up.

I have two, they are 3 and 4 and I feel the same. They are lovely one on one but I rarely get time to spend with them on their own and feel guilty about it. The rivalry and fighting is quite extreme with my two as well, I suspect it’s the small age gap. When i have one of them on their own I marvel at how easy it is and wonder how I ever found taking care of just one hard

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