am I being unreasonable about partners gf posting kids?

[kisssfromarose]

My partner and I share 2 small kids from 20 year relationship. We are amicable and co parent well. I've said nothing so far to him about this but I'm really pissed at his gf posting pics of the kids all over her social media.
I don't put up pics of the kids... Ive been biting my tongue on saying to him or her I'm not comfortable with this. Shes actually making the posts seem as if they are just him and her kids. I would perhaps understand if it was their dad's birthday or fathers day, but she posts them every few days. I'm not comfortable with it. No one, either her or him thought to say "would it be ok" etc... I think as a woman and mother she wouldn't like it if someone else was posting pictures of her child. I personally wouldn't do that to another woman unless I had her say so.
Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way? I've deliberately said nothing incase I'm being unreasonable but it's really annoyed me. I don't feel she has the right or audacity to do that esp when she knows herself I don't post the kids online ! They are only 5 & 6!

Unfortunately I think it’s up to your ex to decide, if he is happy with her posting photos then there is nothing you can do. You could ask her to make sure her profiles are private.

We don't post any pictures of our kids online. If someone accidentally does it i just ask nicely for them to take it down... most people don't care.
You should talk to your ex about it if it's something you both agree on. If he's given permission then not much you can do.

Hate this for you. People shouldn’t be posting photos of children online. But so many do for likes, but also for complete strangers to see. The child hasn’t consented and yet their images, posted on line, will probably stay on there forever. I would definitely speak with your ex and ask for him for these photographs to be taken down. His girlfriend has no right. They’re your children, not hers. I would be livid

I understand you being annoyed at this but try and look at it from a different perspective. My DD is non existent in her dad’s or his wife’s instagram, it’s just them and their 2 kids.

It’s not a competition between us but I can tell you that hurts like fuck

See this is what I thought as well... It doesn't really matter what my view on it is then, if he gives her the go ahead then legally it would be seen as OK.
It's just upsetting. Morally I could never do that to someone, esp when it was a cheating situation. I'd have the manbers to reach out to the mother and say would you mind... Seeing as I birthed them. I just think it's the decent human thing to do

My son has began asking if she's his step mum. How do I navigate that conversation with him. Its very upsetting for me. Took me 10 yrs to have my children and its upsetting to see someone pretend they are a second mum to them.
In fairness she Is very good to them, I trust her with them, I've no issues there. It's just very sore

My DD is non existent in her dad’s or his wife’s instagram

She will be glad of that when she is an adult.

I have random people say oh I seen lovely pictures of the kids online.
It makes me want to vomit everytime. People in my small town see more pics of my kids than I'd like them to see.
Twisted part to it all is my ex husband originally never wanted images of our kids online yet its OK for the new gf. It's a kick to the teeth

Thanks but she won’t be, she’s 15 and has been in tears over it. I can’t imagine she’s appreciate it in 3 years time

That’s completely understandable OP and you have my sympathy on that one. It’s hard that it was a cheating situation and now you have to watch them play happy families. Try and focus on the fact that the kids are happy and compartmentalise your feelings. I’ve been there and it’s so hard to answer these sorts of questions through gritted teeth

do you have friends or family that you can vent to?

I've given up venting at this stage 2 years on to anybody. I just suppress it all or cry on my own about it all.
I think people think I should be over it and not hurt by it all and also because they've had 2 babies together in the 2 yrs we've been serenaded now.
I dont say much to anyone as my town is quite gossipy and I don't want things getting back to the kids in time to come. I just kept my mouth shut but I'm dying inside about it all. Very disappointed in him. Let me tell you if this was the other way about I'd be the worst human on earth by him.

I think all you can do is talk to your ex and see if you can come to an agreement - especially if he was the one who wanted no kids online in the first place- but unfortunately there's probably not a lot you can do if he ok's it :(

p.s I would feel the same as you in the situation!

@kisssfromarose I can understand you being upset, I would be. Me and DH rarely post photos of the kids. Both have limited friends on SM and accounts locked down. I have asked that no one else posts photos of DC.

Does your ex even know his girlfriend is posting these photos? If he has consented to them being posted it's difficult, as he has PR too. I think the suggestion of asking that her SM is set to private is the best compromise if your ex has agreed.

I’m in the same position as the gf, my partner has 2 kids.

I don’t post pics of them online, as I’m aware people are (justifiably) sensitive around this. But not everyone is aware of that!
We are the first generation to figure out the etiquette of social media so people have different views on what’s ok. I think if you just politely ask her to stop as you are concerned about the children’s privacy and would rather no-one posted them online, that’s ok.

regarding ‘is she my step-mum’ that’s simple, you say no, that’s a term for when a couple are legally married, so at this time, no she’s not a step-mum, she’s your dads gf who is another part of the kids extended family. This is how I explain my position to the kids.
I also have my own son and his dad has a long term gf, I say she’s part of my sons extended family and he’s so lucky to have so many people around that love and care for him.

theres no need to feel threatened as their mum, no one can ever take that unique position away from you. Just be glad your children are so loved and supported from so many directions

For what’s it’s worth 2 years isn’t a lot in terms of a family separation, especially under those circumstances. And if you were my friend I’d fully expect you to still rant when you need to

you sound like you’re doing an amazing job as a mum, you’re feelings these things alone and making sure they don’t know how you feel. They’ll understand and appreciate that when they’re older

just to add, we all know he’ll do the same thing to her that he did to you

I think unfortunately it’s a judgement call for a parent to make, so if he’s happy with pictures of them going on social media, then she’s taking her lead from him. So many people clearly think it’s fine to do it, so it’s not surprising that she does really. I’m completely with you though, I don’t have Facebook so don’t post pictures of my kids, and I would have hated to reach adulthood and have thousands of photos of me online forever more for anyone to see. I guess it’s so normal today though that they will all be in the same boat!

If you co parent well and are civil can you not just have a quick chat with him next time he gets the kids / you drop them off.

”Hey, I’ve been told by a few mutual friends that GF posts a lot of pics of the kids. I don’t want to argue and I’m not saying she can never post pics but I’d rather it be less often if possible as I try not to post them too much online”

I think she's incredibly disrespectful to do this if she knows you don't post pictures of your children yourself. But then it was a cheating situation so she sounds disrespectful in general.

I'd keep a look out and say something if she ever posted an innapropriate picture or caption, of them in school uniform or half dressed for example, or pictures of them that could be embarrassing in any way. Otherwise it's a difficult thing to try and control when your ex is obviously giving her permission. I'm sorry.

Agree. Pictures of me never make it family events posted online. It feels like I literally don’t exists.

OP I can understand why it is sensitive for you to see them all together online, but it sounds like a successfully blended unit. That is so rare and a slightly over enthusiastic SM is infinitely preferable to one who dislikes your children.

I'd mention it from the perspective w being uncomfortable of dc pics on sm but ultimately it's up to him

If yr x has parental responsibility there is nothing u can do to stop it, u could mention that u don’t like it, but that probably mean she does it more.

I had this exact situation happen about 10 years ago. Exh allowed his gf to post pics of our 2 kids. I don't post pictures of them on social media at all. I was livid. Exh didn't care.

I saw my solicitor and she confirmed that there was nothing I could do.

I know it must be hard but just try and remember that your ex partner could have ended up with someone horrible, nasty, trouble causing and who your children didn’t like.

It’s hard to learn to let someone else love your children but just see it as more people to fill their lives with love and happiness which is never a bad thing.