DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

[Poppyfie1ds]

I know this sounds like I'm expecting him to ask permission, but I'm not; quite the opposite in fact. Hear me out. My DH(M39) and me (F38) work for the same company both full time. We have DS (11). Now the company are doing a 'fun day' party type thing at the office in a couple of weeks time. Working at the same company we are obviously both invited. When it was announced a couple of months ago I asked DH if he was going and he grumpily told me it wasn't his sort of thing, so no, he'd stay out the office that day. Fast forward to today, and while I'm cooking dinner, DH gets back from the office and tells me "he can't remember if he mentioned it" (he didn't because it turns out it was only agreed a few hours ago) but after this fun day, some male colleagues and himself are going to the pub. At no time (not even after our row tonight) has he asked me if I'm planning to go to this fun day or show any interest in my plans.

Like a lot of parents, even without the added pub trip there would be the school run to consider if we're both in the office on the same day. So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?" At which point DH picks up my annoyance and starts hypothetically roping in our parents to babysit. I got really annoyed and said that we work at the same place, we have childcare to consider we really need to be talking to each other in the planning stage and not presenting each other with "I'm doing this - it's agreed with everyone except you and the babysitters". DH has a history of presenting me with his plans in this way and if childcare is an issue just assuming the grandparents will step in, without actually checking with them. This fun day thing is a relatively minor issue on its own, but tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.

DH has called me deranged for being annoyed. He tells me he'll pull out from the pub trip "if it will make me happy" as if he's being the good guy here, instead of the guy who doesn't talk to his wife about any of his plans, assumes others will deal with the childcare and who apparently can't say to his male colleagues 'I'll just check who's doing the school run and get back to you.' DH says that what I'm expecting from him isn't normal. It's not even really about the pub for me, it's about me now not being able to attend a work thing without any discussion - the grandparents won't be able to step in because they don't like to drive in the dark and it will be dark early, and I actually think there is some sort of school concert that evening too, which I've not even bothered reminding him of.

DH routinely presents me with complete 'this is happening' plans that have knock on affects to childcare (not to mention my plans) and I have to either smile, nod and deal with it, or point out some objection and be accused of "stopping him." I'm currently annoyed but remarkably calm. DH has had a complete hissy-fit and says he'll never make plans or go out again and that it's always like this. I am not his mum, I don't want to be presented with his plans for me to grant permission or get in his way, I want DH to be talking to me about his plans as he arranges them, like a grown up who is part of a family unit. I don't event book a hairdressing appointment without checking childcare is covered and it doesn't inconvenience anyone first.

Thank you for reading, that was cathartic. I guess I need to ask, have I got this wrong, AIBU?

Agree with this OP!

The hand waft and being called deranged?! Erm no.

He's having a tantrum because he knows he's cocked up. Whilst it's all imploded around this 1 instance, you've mentioned he has form for this so will likely just expect you to bow down and let him do as he pleases.

He's dismissing your views as valid because they don't align with his beliefs. How arrogant.

Smacks of:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

I'm kind of on the fence with this instance whereby there was no clear communication from you to say 'I'm attending the fun day' but if you say this is a regular type thing where he expects you to fall in with his plans without argument then no YANBU.

Bad choice of husband and father, thank my lucky stars i didn't end up with a prick like this. Not normal at all but loads of this kind of thing on mumsnet. Run mate, run for the hills!

In marriage counselling we learned we had to agree everything before we made firm commitments - happily agree then, not one person just living with it as it builds resentment. You basically have to work out a way of doing things that works for both of you or not do them. Then you work as a team to find solutions and stop living life independently of each other.
Exactly as you said - he could express interest to the lads but say he needs to confirm at home x

That’s not what happens. They help you identify underlying issues and come up with strategies to move forward in a more positive way together. It’s never about who is right or wrong. It’s about what needs you both have an how to find agreeable ways to meet them and build love and respect for each other.

He needs to grow the fuck up.
Why are grown men so immature?!!

This is completely irresponsible and feckless of him, and would piss me off mightily. Pretty much all of my female friends, when they had children, would only make tentative plans until they have checked the family diaries. Not unreasonable to expect men in relationships to do the same thing - I would be furious at his attitude.

Agree with family calendar.

When this has happened to us my response is "thats great, but I am already out so you need to sort the babysitter". I am quite strict on putting things in the calendar and he will check and either not go or organise a grandparent or babysitter to help.

Whilst he is being a dick you need to change the narrative.
If he wants to go to the pub, go, but you are already out and he needs to sort childcare. It's not all down to you and it isn't your problem every time to fix.

Hope your work social is fun. X

He sounds very much like my ex husband. He simply couldn’t get his head around being part of a family unit with responsibilities to care for each other, and thought nothing about his single, carefree life was going to change. We tried couples counselling but it was a waste of time - when the therapist asked him what his responsibilities as a husband and father were he said ‘It’s my job to take out the bins and open the curtains in the morning.’ He was never going to get it, so I left him.

I think you're both being unreasonable.... it looks like you didn't tell him you were going to go, but just expected him to guess thats why you asked him if he wanted to go.... also by asking if he wanted to go, you implied his wants are more important as if he said yes you wouldn't have planned to go.

When he changed plans, not realising you had made plans that night as you hadn't told him... you got upset and emotional.... that is why he belittled you. All you needed to do was to say you had already made plans and since yours were made before his, he's gonna have to organise childcare if he wants to go out. No row needed, no getting upset needed.

We have a calendar app called “family wall” as realistically we can’t be ringing each other to check every time we need to make plans and DH has no memory whatsoever. It’s whoever gets there first if we both need the same day.

I would be fuming with DH and I would expect him to figure it out, regardless of his hissy fit.

Didn't read them all but just practical stuff...
We have a google calendar as well - first come, first served for the most part but of course we figure things out as needed. But if there's an optional 'let's go to the pub' and my DH sees that I'm out that night he finds another time. Work stuff and random childcare stuff we figure out together. We both work full time, have two kids with endless activities and are immigrants so don't have grandparents or anything. We have friends but we try not to rely on them too much of course!

My friends have a paper calendar on the wall that has everything on it as they're in a similar situation. It goes on the calendar or it isn't a thing.

In this specific situation sounds like you both weren't really that clear but as this is part of the pattern (1) he needs to respect your time and treat you as a partner and (2) you need to put some time into respecting your own time as well. Of course it would be great if he was already working with you as an equal but as he's not and you've fallen into the habit of letting him to this, you need to be ready to push back on the status quo which can be really hard.

Man child

I told my DH year ago if it isn’t on the calendar then he cannot bank on it happening. And obviously when you put something on the calendar, you have to ensure that there isn’t anything clashing or problematic going to be caused.

He needs to grow up, realise that he’s part of a family, rather than a pampered little twat.

Sadly you aren't going to change this behaviour without some fall out as he doesn't think there's a problem and instead of trying to understand he'd rather huff and puff and make you doubt your own mind. So you either communicate plainly about what's fair or not and expect the fall out,ride it out and hope he learns over time ,work around him or get out.