DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

[Poppyfie1ds]

I know this sounds like I'm expecting him to ask permission, but I'm not; quite the opposite in fact. Hear me out. My DH(M39) and me (F38) work for the same company both full time. We have DS (11). Now the company are doing a 'fun day' party type thing at the office in a couple of weeks time. Working at the same company we are obviously both invited. When it was announced a couple of months ago I asked DH if he was going and he grumpily told me it wasn't his sort of thing, so no, he'd stay out the office that day. Fast forward to today, and while I'm cooking dinner, DH gets back from the office and tells me "he can't remember if he mentioned it" (he didn't because it turns out it was only agreed a few hours ago) but after this fun day, some male colleagues and himself are going to the pub. At no time (not even after our row tonight) has he asked me if I'm planning to go to this fun day or show any interest in my plans.

Like a lot of parents, even without the added pub trip there would be the school run to consider if we're both in the office on the same day. So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?" At which point DH picks up my annoyance and starts hypothetically roping in our parents to babysit. I got really annoyed and said that we work at the same place, we have childcare to consider we really need to be talking to each other in the planning stage and not presenting each other with "I'm doing this - it's agreed with everyone except you and the babysitters". DH has a history of presenting me with his plans in this way and if childcare is an issue just assuming the grandparents will step in, without actually checking with them. This fun day thing is a relatively minor issue on its own, but tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.

DH has called me deranged for being annoyed. He tells me he'll pull out from the pub trip "if it will make me happy" as if he's being the good guy here, instead of the guy who doesn't talk to his wife about any of his plans, assumes others will deal with the childcare and who apparently can't say to his male colleagues 'I'll just check who's doing the school run and get back to you.' DH says that what I'm expecting from him isn't normal. It's not even really about the pub for me, it's about me now not being able to attend a work thing without any discussion - the grandparents won't be able to step in because they don't like to drive in the dark and it will be dark early, and I actually think there is some sort of school concert that evening too, which I've not even bothered reminding him of.

DH routinely presents me with complete 'this is happening' plans that have knock on affects to childcare (not to mention my plans) and I have to either smile, nod and deal with it, or point out some objection and be accused of "stopping him." I'm currently annoyed but remarkably calm. DH has had a complete hissy-fit and says he'll never make plans or go out again and that it's always like this. I am not his mum, I don't want to be presented with his plans for me to grant permission or get in his way, I want DH to be talking to me about his plans as he arranges them, like a grown up who is part of a family unit. I don't event book a hairdressing appointment without checking childcare is covered and it doesn't inconvenience anyone first.

Thank you for reading, that was cathartic. I guess I need to ask, have I got this wrong, AIBU?

What a baby, no offence to actual babies.

My exH would repeatedly prearrange things that got in the way of my freedom/fun/plans, then either squirrel out of responsibility with weaponised incompetence or gaslighting. And when that didn't work, straight-up abuse.

Everyone thought he was affable and fun. He was extra helpful to anyone other than his own family. It was a prison partly made up of my own blind "kindness".

Agree with pp.

Advice: don't justify and explain yourself, just tell him what is or is not happening. Say no more often.

Yeah, I’d be pissed off too. My ex-husband used to do the same. I’d just be informed of the evenings he’d be going on the piss over the next few weeks and it was expected I’d stay home with the kids. I was never invited and if I ever dared to suggest I’d like to do something in three months time then it was met with sighs and moans as he didn’t want to ‘babysit’ (his own children).

Totally on team @Poppyfie1ds, DH is normally ok but seems to have a habit of forgetting any arrangements I make, more through sheer forgetfulness than anything.

The one thing I would say is that your DS is 11. I get that the public bus is unreliable but this is a good age to get him used to taking it from time to time when it is needed and gradually building up his independence. Presumably he has a mobile so can call if the public bus doesn't turn up.Otherwise you will be dealing with the school run for another 7 years.

Am I missing something here? There’s a works thing happening that he doesn’t want to go to. But he wants to meet up with his friends for a drink after the thing. Are you intending on going to it? Did you discuss that with him? It really sounds like you’re making a big deal of this. My DH and I often do things separately. We don’t ask each other, we make arrangements, put it on the calendar then sort out the finer details later. When our DC were young, we’d sort childcare out between us nearer the time.

Why can't he pick up? You go to the work thing, then swap, and he goes to the pub. Relationships work better when they are collaborative rather than in the trenches firing rockets at each other.
The communication is poor my solution means both get to do what you want.

Can people stop saying “childcare” or “babysitting”?
it’s called parenting. He obviously doesn’t want to be a parent and he doesn’t need to be as OP will do it for him.

what a prince

So your solution is that OP - who from the sounds of it rarely goes out - has to leave by a certain time so her DH can go to the pub? Oh and presumably she also then gets to drive back to the school for the evening performance.
All this rather than the parent who said they didn't want to attend the work party and knew his DW was going to, simply doing the parenting for one evening like he was meant to.

There's being collaborative and there's being a doormat.

Don't hold on to your annoyance - he's being selfish. Just tell him "Great - you pulling out of the pub trip works" and make him pull out and do the childcare. If he expects you to say thanks, just say, "You want me to thank you for doing a father's duties?"

Go and enjoy the fun day!

I'm just wondering why you can't go to the fun day part and return home and he can go to the pub bit and come home after that? Is there a logistical reason why that couldn't be done so you both get to enjoy at least part of the day?

I would just say “fine, but your organising childcare because I won’t be there remember?”

Ugh, yep, that would drive me nuts too. He’s going to keep doing this if you’re always going to be the one to give up your plans though. When he told you, why not just say “ok but don’t forget I have the work thing, so you’ll need to arrange childcare if you’re now going out” and then leave him to it? You’re taking on the responsibility of his fuck up and making it your problem, instead leave it to him.

Further row, thank you for being my outlet and support right now.

DH can't understand why I'm upset and is actively belittling me for even being upset about this because he reckons the childcare stuff can be sorted [and waves his hand] and that I'm just upsetting myself and being hyperbolic for no reason. In his head it's a practical issue that he's already solved. It can be solved, if I work it all out around what he wants to do and change my plans. He is deliberately being obtuse about my simple request of checking and talking with the family BEFORE making plans, this includes speaking to DS to see if they are happy to get the bus potentially in the dark. DH even asked me what he's meant to say to his friends when they are making plans, my suggestion of saying 'Sounds good, I check what DW/DS are doing and get back to you' was met with mockery.

Of course we can facilitate his drinking on a practical level with compromise from me and DS. And I'm not an ogre, I've regularly driven 20/30 miles in the dark with DS in PJ's in the back to pick up DS from nights out with friends. I'm just tired about having no other choice than saying yes or risk getting this 'how dare you be upset' attitude from him. I'm pretty chilled most of the time so me being upset is pretty unusual but he has absolutely no tolerance for me being annoyed. If I'm annoyed DH says it's my own doing and DH thinks if I carry on being annoyed for more than an hour, I'm being deranged.

Drop the rope @Poppyfie1ds . Stand firm.

It's his fuck up he has to sort, the more you do the worse he will become. Ignore his sexist crap.

His comments about checking with you I would tear apart. He had the opportunity to use an adult solution, a shared calendar but he was incapable.

His lack is the reason you both can't use a shared calendar. Exactly how do you plan your events, does he not value as an equal.

So it is either be an adult or be treated like a child who can't manage cooperation.

Going foward, would it help to get some kind of paid childcare in place?

That would have been a much better response than your passive aggressive “So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?"” Sounds like there are communication problems on both sides.

Of course he shouldn’t assume you are automatically available for childcare.

You actually drive your son to collect him - stop facilitating him stand up and say I am going and therefore if you want to sort it you sort it - don’t step in don’t sort it and go

The op wasn't invited to the pub; the pub from the op's side is a red herring. Both parties are arranging things haphazardly without considering each other.
It all sounds extremely complicated for no reason.

The original poster can follow Mumsnet's guidance; she can leave as suggested and manage most things on her own while trying to communicate about finances and their son with an ex.😂

This is a fair point and one I'm most worried about. Is it me? I do put a downer on DHs plans sometimes - his idea of randomly going abroad alone to watch a gig with the assumption I'll just keep the homefires burning was a highlight. But lots of times I'll drop him off 30 miles away or head out after dark with DS in PJ's on the back seat to pick up from his nights out. I'm not an ogre but I don't think he's ever accepted the fact that he's not a single 20 something and that catching up with a mate or two for a night/day out just once or twice a month is a normal amount when you work and have a family - not the result of me being unreasonable. He also gets to have a couple of weekends away with friends each year too, on top of staying away from home on a handful of occasions for any training/courses he fancies doing.... but if you ask him, in his head he only goes out 6 times a year.

I just ask that he talk to me about this stuff in the planning stages so I can gently encourage a different day if I can see a clash or if there's a problem I can highlight it before it's all booked. He acts like I'm clingy and stifling because he'll turn up and say 'we've all arranged that we're doing this on this day' and I say well I/DS was planning to do this remember, his answer will be well you can still to that we'll rope in grandparents etc. My argument is that it's polite and considerate to ask grandparents and DW/DS as part of the planning process, not just present us with something and force me into this 'bad guy' character who is putting barriers in the way of his fun.

@Poppyfie1ds at 11 is it not possible for your DS to be in the house on his own for a short while and try getting the unreliable public bus on occasion?

I mean your H is still an ass hat but it does seem restrictive for two working DPs to need to daily school runs for a secondary Aged DC.

Yes normally totally possible but might be complicated if this concert is that evening (the school have a habit of telling us very last minute about these things) Practically I can make it work by forgoing any plans of joining the fun day - that's literally the only way to deal with this. Even with DS using the bus, an adult still has to be 'on duty' in case the bus doesn't turn up or breaks down as has happened. It's a rural bus there is no other bus 10 mins later or 5 minutes walk on the other road. DH thinks I worry unnecessarily about such things. Perhaps he's right - but again is ensuring a plan B for our kid so they don't ever have to try to walk miles along 60mph country lanes in the dark, so unreasonable?

My issue is that on this occasion he has decided to attend an event he said he wasn't going to, knowing full well it's an event I'm also invited to. He made plans like I wouldn't be going and assumed I would sort out DS without even texting me to ask 'were you planning to go to this thing?' When I point out 'hello I exist and was invited to this thing too aren't you at least a little bit curious what my plans might be?' he acts like I'm being unreasonable for expecting him to show an interest in my plans and and deranged for kicking up a fuss instead of just smiling and saying 'enjoy yourself.' If it was a one-off perhaps I'd be over-reacting but this is a pattern. As I write this I can see it's either couples counselling or divorce I suppose. No offence but reaching out on Mumsnet like this to work out if I'm mad, is a new low.

Avoid going to couples counselling with the expectation that the counsellor will take sides.

That's my concern. I'm still going to be talking into the abyss with DH being just as horrible about my feelings, just with an audience. What would be the point of that?

Maybe scare him into stop being a prick. Ask him if he'd rather be single living on his own. Because that can be arranged...

Tell him "fine, you can go to the pub, but since it is YOU who is changing the established plan so that YOU can go out and have fun, then YOU are entirely responsible for arranging for someone else to do YOUR childcare."

He obviously views you as the "default parent", i.e., childcare is primarily your responsibility, and he will "help out" if he feels like it, but if he doesn't then it falls back onto you.

I wonder if it's worth trying to find the cost of the school bus to alleviate some of the issues. Presumably they don't want the full £1k in one go and you can offset that against the additional costs in petrol and wear and tear.

Has your H always been like this or become worse recently?