DH just told me he expects me to miss-out on a work thing and deal with childcare so he can go to the pub.

[Poppyfie1ds]

I know this sounds like I'm expecting him to ask permission, but I'm not; quite the opposite in fact. Hear me out. My DH(M39) and me (F38) work for the same company both full time. We have DS (11). Now the company are doing a 'fun day' party type thing at the office in a couple of weeks time. Working at the same company we are obviously both invited. When it was announced a couple of months ago I asked DH if he was going and he grumpily told me it wasn't his sort of thing, so no, he'd stay out the office that day. Fast forward to today, and while I'm cooking dinner, DH gets back from the office and tells me "he can't remember if he mentioned it" (he didn't because it turns out it was only agreed a few hours ago) but after this fun day, some male colleagues and himself are going to the pub. At no time (not even after our row tonight) has he asked me if I'm planning to go to this fun day or show any interest in my plans.

Like a lot of parents, even without the added pub trip there would be the school run to consider if we're both in the office on the same day. So I was super p-off and said "so I guess I'll be doing the school run?" At which point DH picks up my annoyance and starts hypothetically roping in our parents to babysit. I got really annoyed and said that we work at the same place, we have childcare to consider we really need to be talking to each other in the planning stage and not presenting each other with "I'm doing this - it's agreed with everyone except you and the babysitters". DH has a history of presenting me with his plans in this way and if childcare is an issue just assuming the grandparents will step in, without actually checking with them. This fun day thing is a relatively minor issue on its own, but tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.

DH has called me deranged for being annoyed. He tells me he'll pull out from the pub trip "if it will make me happy" as if he's being the good guy here, instead of the guy who doesn't talk to his wife about any of his plans, assumes others will deal with the childcare and who apparently can't say to his male colleagues 'I'll just check who's doing the school run and get back to you.' DH says that what I'm expecting from him isn't normal. It's not even really about the pub for me, it's about me now not being able to attend a work thing without any discussion - the grandparents won't be able to step in because they don't like to drive in the dark and it will be dark early, and I actually think there is some sort of school concert that evening too, which I've not even bothered reminding him of.

DH routinely presents me with complete 'this is happening' plans that have knock on affects to childcare (not to mention my plans) and I have to either smile, nod and deal with it, or point out some objection and be accused of "stopping him." I'm currently annoyed but remarkably calm. DH has had a complete hissy-fit and says he'll never make plans or go out again and that it's always like this. I am not his mum, I don't want to be presented with his plans for me to grant permission or get in his way, I want DH to be talking to me about his plans as he arranges them, like a grown up who is part of a family unit. I don't event book a hairdressing appointment without checking childcare is covered and it doesn't inconvenience anyone first.

Thank you for reading, that was cathartic. I guess I need to ask, have I got this wrong, AIBU?

You sound so downtrodden and beholden to his every whim otherwise he puts you down

They might facilitate him listening. That said, my ex was really surprised that our counsellor agreed with me that his behaviour was unequivocally unsupportive of me and would be unacceptable to most couples.

You might also be supported as a couple to communicate more effectively, or it might make you yourself see the issue(s) between you and your husband more clearly and perhaps move to a place of dealing with them differently?

Just to say that I’ve read the updates and he really is an arsehole. Not because he’s inconsiderate and poor at planning (or wilfully incompetent) but because he’s seemingly dismissive and actually pretty mean about it all towards you.

So no, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I think you do well to put up with his lack of consideration and you’re an actual saint for not telling him where to go when he then starts on you. I’d full on draw the line at being called deranged by a man who wafted his hand at me.

He'll just have to stick to his begrudging changed plan then wont he?
You're letting him get away with it because you concede.
Just stick to your guns... when he presents you with something 'that is happening' just tell him you hope he's sorted out childcare because youre not available.
And repeat.

Too late now, but instead of saying "so I guess I'll be doing the school run" (as it does sound passive aggressive and likely to immediately raise the other person's hackles/defences), a better reply might have been "OK, well you know I'm going too. I'll leave it with you to figure out the school run."

In the meantime, the goose is good for the gander. You need to start saying no to him more regularly, rather than just bending over backwards to accommodate him. He's making your life awkward without any consideration for you.

As PP have said, a few times of saying no, or doing the same to him and he should learn how infuriating it is.

If he doesn't, and it's still your fault somehow, I'd suggest a "would you be this disorganised if we were divorced and this happened on one of your days with DS, or am I just your default backup plan to everything?"

Then have a serious think about LTB.

Does he also assume you're going to pick him up after this night in the pub?

So basically he's skipping the fun day because he doesn't fancy that; meeting everyone for drinks and therefore you can't attend the event which you did want to do and informed him of such [?] or go on for some post fun chat with colleagues.

I think that given this is a recurring issue and he's being a total dick, I'd be dying on this hill to be honest. He can arrange the pick up/school run even if he has to pay for a cab for your son.

I'd also consider whether you would want to continue in your current role in the same company if you were divorced

This!

I also rarely have evening things on to prevent DH from going on (rare) pub trips etc.

But on the occasions I do, the deal is that whoever arranged second has to sort our the childcare. I don't just become the default ringer of babysitters because he decided he wants an evening out at the same time.

Blokes are just as capable of picking up a communication device and using it to make arrangements. For all sorts of things!

They'd just prefer not to if a wife is available to teflon their way through life for them!

God he sounds horrid and thoughtless.
whats the point of him?

Nope YANBU, like most husbands, including mine, they like to live like bachelors. My DH does the same to me, only the thing he always says is ‘I told you this’ when he 100000% didn’t, so the problem isn’t the event I didn’t know about, the problem becomes the fact I ‘forgot’ something he didn’t tell me ha ha

“Even with DS using the bus, an adult still has to be 'on duty' in case the bus doesn't turn up or breaks down as has happened. It's a rural bus there is no other bus 10 mins later or 5 minutes walk on the other road. DH thinks I worry unnecessarily about such things. Perhaps he's right - but again is ensuring a plan B for our kid so they don't ever have to try to walk miles along 60mph country lanes in the dark, so unreasonable?”

Not the purpose of this thread but…

If course that happens but is it likely? Is there literally no other bus that day or will there be one 30mins/an hour later? Presumably other children will be getting this bus, what do they do if the bus doesn’t appear etc? If they rely on parents, is there no other other parent that could pick him up and drop him home in this unlikely instance?

TBH I’m with your DH on this one. He’s old enough to get the bus and be home alone for a couple of hours. And to be problem solving if buses don’t turn up. If there are things you don’t want him to do in this instance, such as walk home alone in the dark down 60mph roads then tell him and talk him through what to do if bus breaks down/doesn’t appear if you don’t think he can work it out or there are lots of things you definitely don’t want him doing.

if you want to raise independent, confident children, you need to let them do things themselves on their own, and experience problems and give them the opportunity to deal with them.

He sounds like a dick. LTB

That’s not what marriage counselling is. They help you (re)learn to communicate with each other. You’ll be asked to listen, really listen, as much as you talk. I would highly recommend it particularly if you’re not happy with your own behaviour either - even if it is provoked!

He definitely sounds like he hasn't accepted that he has responsibilities and duties to his wife and child.

I'd absolutely be letting him get in a huff and rearrange his plans which clash with my pre-arranged plans. And, I'd also be telling him to sort out childcare in future, preferably with his parents and not mine if he wants to make last-minute, known-only-to-him-and-ignoring-his-child/their grandchild style plans.

Natural consequences. If he wants to behave like a moody teenaged boy, he will be treated like a moody teenaged boy.

@Poppyfie1ds I think you should say NO
Just no sorry you are getting son and you are going to concert . I have plans for fun day and drinks after. .

He will never change as the pattern has stayed the same .He acts dumb, gaslights you and you sort the mess out.

He is being a prick, but I don't understand form your post if you had told him (or thought it was implied-sunce you'regoing to the office) that youvwoild be attendinf the work thing? It seems communication is lacking all around!

Him getting annoyed is him deflecting the problem away from him and on to you. It's actually a sign that he can see there is an issue with the behaviour but like hell is he taking that on board as his fault.

is he like this in other things? Is he able to accept blame and make things right elsewhere?

I just don't think anyone is communicating particularly well. And it sounds like you're just willing to concede straight away. He has offered in-laws, let him try and sort that out.

I was married to a similar fine specimen but I packed his bags before our child turned 1 as this behaviour was incompatible with being a family (in my view). I could as well walk on my own without friendly fire.

Do people not have jobs or something?

Er... you go to the pub after work or on weekends...

Yet, most salaried professionals are either working during the evenings or weekends, or otherwise dealing with chores and errands?

"Most" are working evenings and weekends? Every evening and all weekend...? Are you in the US perhaps? Or Japan? In the UK we have time off, unless you're in a handful of super-stressful industries. And yes, being a parent does bring with it a lot of added responsibilities, and you won't have as much time for socialising as you did before kids, but I think it is healthy to make time for maintaining friendships (obviously as long as the household and family aren't being neglected and it's not a case of the husband going AWOL several times a week and not leaving the wife any chance to have a break herself). But generally, yes, having a social life is healthy and good.

Yet another DH like this here. Like you, I got sick of it. Sick of the expectation that he could make plans and I'd be available to sort everything else. And sick of feeling like a killjoy when he did mention events because I was annoyed with the frequency, cost, sense of responsibilit and the lack of repricosity.

We implemented a strict paper calendar system. For both of us, we tell our friends/colleagues that we need to check the calendar before committing to anything. Then discuss it AND write it in the kitchen calendar or the date is considered open. And he does this now. Almost every time. (But to be fair I forget sometimes too and spring things on him so it's fair)

I'm trying to remember what actually triggered the change. I think it was when we went through a bad patch and I told him that I had drawn up a list of pros and cons for staying together. That scared the shit out of him because he knew I was serious.

In this case, I think you need to hold firm. You had already discussed this date and he wasn't interested. He didn't check with you before booking a day in the office. And he didn't check with you before making plans for the pub. Some posters are saying he should go but take responsibility for making childcare arrangements, but I think this is the time to really draw a line in the sand and insist he stays home. If he sulks or tantrums about it, then I would be thinking whether he's really someone I want to be with in the long term

Some might be, but even they don’t usually work every evening and all weekend, and nor should they. Who do you suppose is in pubs and restaurants if it’s not people earning salaries?