To not invite my neighbours son to every play date

[anonymouse23]

I have a nearly 3yo DD. My neighbour, who I get on well with, has a 3yo DS. We generally get on well and , due to living next to each other , bump into each other a lot. We're also part of the same (small) group chat where most mornings one of the mums might ask what everyone is up to, does anyone want to go to the playground etc. If my neighbour finds out I've scheduled a play date and not invited her son she gets very annoyed. Even if it is with friends she doesn't know , because she feels I can / should just introduce them.

Here's the issue though: her son is quite spoilt, doesn't know the word "no", he hits other kids or snatches toys non stop and his mum (the neighbour) will just excuse it as "aw they're just kids" rather than teaching him if he can't play nicely he's taken home or other appropriate consequences.

I'll explain one incident that might show what it's like. I scheduled a play date with my friend, I know her from uni and she hasn't met my neighbour or any of the mums in the group chat. As I'm leaving, my neighbour and I bump into each other. She asks why I didn't respond on the group chat that morning whether I'd like to go to the playground - she's just about to go. I say I'm going for a play date etc and my neighbour seems baffled as to why I didn't suggest she should come. I guess I think it's weird at the time but say I'll ask my friend and she should come along, the play date is at a soft play so it's not like I can say "no you can't go" - it's a public place, she can go where she likes. During the play date mine and my uni friend's child were hit, kicked, pushed etc (yes all kids push and hit but not to this extent, and normally the mum intervenes whereas this mum just stands there looking at her son with an adoring smile and at best may say "that's not nice", would never physically remove him". When it was time to leave her son kept running away from her, she wouldn't put his coat on until he "allowed" her (we were sharing a car and even though I was driving, I can't just leave her stranded as it'd be difficult to get back). As a result my daughter was overtired for her nap and it was all a mess.
Many more examples like this.

Anyway, I'm seeing a different friend tomorrow, my neighbour actually asked if I'm free for the playground tomorrow morning and I vaguely said "no I'm busy". Now if she asks what I'm doing I don't want to lie (as may be found out with insta stories, driving, and just don't love lying) but equally I don't want her to tag along.

2 is genius... she'd be just the kind of person to take umbrage at this, then it's win/win 😂

She sounds literally incredible.

If you are going to see a friend of yours, would your other adult friends expect to tag along too? No, of course not. Same for your son. Too bad for your neighbour if she finds out. She'll have to accept it. Just be honest and say your son doesn't want to play will the same person all the time, he likes variety. And don't feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong.

I would be straight with her. Yes it will be awkward but life is too short especially in a small town.

I'm meeting a friend and her toddler. Her toddler is a gentle soul and so it's just the four of us tomorrow OR. DD is not enjoying playing with X at the moment as he is pushing and hitting her too much. I'm sorry but she doesn't want to play with him and I am not going to make her.

Do this.

Also if you are going to a soft play centre, you are under no obligation to bring her to/from the location as you may have other arrangements to follow up on straight afterwards.
She needs to find her own group of friends that she can do stuff with (particularly if her kid is or will soon be of school going age).

Lastly - put her on an information diet. She doesn't have the right to know what you're doing or where you're going so stop sharing with her what your plans are.

This is exactly what I'd do. "oh, DS is upset. Just popping over. I'll get Y and bring him over shall I?" Plonk child with mother

And as for meeting a friend, what everyone else says.

I don't know if this is just a female thing but with this and other example on MN why do people always suggest long story 'excuses' why not just so 'no sorry we cant' or words to that effect

Maybe people need to practice saying no more

Yes. Don't make this about your daughter but about you. I'M meeting a friend etc. That way it's harder for her to bust in with her son. He sounds a bit like mine was when he was younger which is why I literally never could sit down and chat because I was always watching, intervening, explaining. Mine is ASD, maybe hers is as well but how to know since she's not doing any effort in educating and teaching him social competence. I feel sorry for him because very soon all children will avoid him like the plague and then she will go on a banter about her son being excluded taking on the victim role. I can see this happening for sure if she doesn't start to parent. But it's her problem, not yours. I would just keep my daughter away from him or if they are together I would take him aside since the mum is not reacting. Do it infront of her so that she knows what is expected of her. Do not let your daughter be a punching ball because you're afraid to speak up!

As a PP said, it doesn't matter what her son's behaviour is like - even if he was an angel, you still want some time with your own friends. I kind of think you should approach the two things separately - first of all reduce the amount you tell her about where you're going and who you're meeting.

Separately, when her son misbehaves as a group playdate, bring it up there and then (in whatever way you think).

Just don't tell her your business.
All you have to say is no I have other plans then walk away.

I had a neighbour phone me and ask if it was right that I had gone somewhere the previous day with a mutual friend and our kids.
I said yes,she said but you didn't check if we were busy.
I said I hadn't realised she checked in with me every time she made plans with others.
At the end of the day OP you are grown adult and you can make what ever plans you like.

If she retorts or comes back at you with another sad story, anger, cheeky comment say " like I said it doesn't work for me"