To not invite my neighbours son to every play date

[anonymouse23]

I have a nearly 3yo DD. My neighbour, who I get on well with, has a 3yo DS. We generally get on well and , due to living next to each other , bump into each other a lot. We're also part of the same (small) group chat where most mornings one of the mums might ask what everyone is up to, does anyone want to go to the playground etc. If my neighbour finds out I've scheduled a play date and not invited her son she gets very annoyed. Even if it is with friends she doesn't know , because she feels I can / should just introduce them.

Here's the issue though: her son is quite spoilt, doesn't know the word "no", he hits other kids or snatches toys non stop and his mum (the neighbour) will just excuse it as "aw they're just kids" rather than teaching him if he can't play nicely he's taken home or other appropriate consequences.

I'll explain one incident that might show what it's like. I scheduled a play date with my friend, I know her from uni and she hasn't met my neighbour or any of the mums in the group chat. As I'm leaving, my neighbour and I bump into each other. She asks why I didn't respond on the group chat that morning whether I'd like to go to the playground - she's just about to go. I say I'm going for a play date etc and my neighbour seems baffled as to why I didn't suggest she should come. I guess I think it's weird at the time but say I'll ask my friend and she should come along, the play date is at a soft play so it's not like I can say "no you can't go" - it's a public place, she can go where she likes. During the play date mine and my uni friend's child were hit, kicked, pushed etc (yes all kids push and hit but not to this extent, and normally the mum intervenes whereas this mum just stands there looking at her son with an adoring smile and at best may say "that's not nice", would never physically remove him". When it was time to leave her son kept running away from her, she wouldn't put his coat on until he "allowed" her (we were sharing a car and even though I was driving, I can't just leave her stranded as it'd be difficult to get back). As a result my daughter was overtired for her nap and it was all a mess.
Many more examples like this.

Anyway, I'm seeing a different friend tomorrow, my neighbour actually asked if I'm free for the playground tomorrow morning and I vaguely said "no I'm busy". Now if she asks what I'm doing I don't want to lie (as may be found out with insta stories, driving, and just don't love lying) but equally I don't want her to tag along.

Just say you have another play date planned. Don't extend the invite. If she outright asks why she isn't invited just say that you are allowed to arrange things with other adults and children and wouldn't expect her to invite your child to every play date. It doesn't sound like it would be a loss if the relationship became frosty

Be vague. ‘ we have other plans’. If it’s a insta story she’s moaning about ‘oh I ran into my friend and we decided to take the kids xyz ’. This woman is nuts to think she should be involved everywhere in everything

That sounds very intense! If you dont nip it now its only going to get worse.

Imagine what it will be like when they start school.

You need to be a bit vague and mysterious.

When she asks why didnt you reply to whats app group say something like oh Ive been really busy didnt look at it.

When you are leaving house or whatever and shes asking to come along you need to say no, that doesn’t work for me. She may be lacking in boundaries and if you dont put a few up she will walk all over you.

1. Always have a plan around 1-2 weeks away with her and refer to that. "Sorry, catching up with Kate today, the kids are just along for the ride. See you on Monday at tumble tots / church playgroup, shall we have coffee after?! Seeya..."
2. Start telling her kid off when he misbehaves. Either he'll start behaving or she'll fuck off, either is a win. If she comments just say "Oh, but you hadn't stopped him?" and wait for explanations.

And 3. Pick a different school!

@Ambienteamber said it right.
”You have to learn to sit with the uncomfortable feeling that you've made someone unhappy because you haven't done what they wanted.”

Shes a friend and a neighbour and you don’t want to be unkind but that doesn’t mean you can’t do what you want to do. If you are on your way somewhere, just say it breezy and go. If she asks to come along, you’ll need a “ah tes, maybe next time” on your back pocket. I find it helps to keep moving.
You don’t need to worry your firmed turns up somewhere, just smile and greet her like you would anyone else. You aren’t doing anything wrong.

Also you know you can block people on Instagram but you can also hide stories from specific people so they are not blocked but just think you've not posted any stories. So just hide your stories from her !

How have you ended up on the same what's app group as a neighbour
Does the son go to the same nursery as your DD or something

Stop involving her in your life
Stop posting on a group chat your plans
Nip this in the bud quick
Before she starts sending him round alone to yours for a play date or coming to join at your house if she sees you have company
She's also the type that will have you taking her kid to school for her and get you picking him up and looking after him ... because well ,your only next door .
I predict years of being walked over for you by this woman if you don't stop it now

I’d ignore different parenting styles and children’s developmental stages - is this an issue when you go to the playground?

However I wouldn’t entertain someone tagging along unless I want them to. If I’m seeing an old friend we are doing so to catch up and spend time together and socialising small children is a bonus. I’d just say we have plans and leave it at that - don’t be a wet lettuce. She probably thinks you are better friends than you are because you’ve included her in your life and friendship circle, give her lifts etc.

I agree with others. Why would you say you are going on a play date.

You are meeting up with an old friend. No one can expect to be tagging along with two friends meeting. That's fucking weird.

If she asks why she can't come just look askance and say no. You barely see this friend and you have a lot of stuff to catch up on and pull a perplexed face.

This woman is unhinged.
Pull as far away as you can.
She will only get worse the more you indulge her.

She doesn't have to approve of everything you do or be involved. It isn't a normal expectation. She's pushy. Make your responses less child centric and grow a thicker skin. That doesn't mean avoid the group, it means accept she may not like everything you say and that's fine. She isn't your responsibility.

Look you are either going to have to set boundaries with this neighbour or you are going to lose all your other friends because they won’t want to meet up with you if your neighbour and her child are always there as well. So you’ll be stuck with only having pushy neighbour as a friend and your child will have no friends apart from nightmare child, deal with this now stop being such a wet lettuce.

I don't really understand. You have a toddler. So yes, allof your plans, or most of them, probably involve your toddler being present. But that doesn't mean that she has to come along to everything. If she sees an insta story, or bumps into you , or someone mentions they saw you and she asks why she wasn't invited you say, "I was catching up with Jane" or whatever. The fact that you have two children of similar ages is a red herring here.

You and your DD are allowed to have other friends and do things without them. Don't give the info and yes fib if you have to.

Just tell her you’re meeting friends, not that you’re going on a play date!
Why would you even say that?

I wouldn't even say any excuses. Just "I've got other plans today, sorry" should be enough. You don't owe her anything.

If she asks what you are doing, I would just say you are meeting up with some old friends and leave it at that.

If she gets really pushy, I guess you'll just have to say that you don't have to do everything together/you are allowed to see others!

She’s a leech and you’re enabling her by telling her your plans. Don’t! Who cares if she sees your DC on social media? She’s not your shadow and you have a life outside hers.

If she asks why you went to soft play without telling her, be clear that you were invited by a friend who wanted a private chat. If she suggests she could have come as well, just repeat “No, my friend wanted a private chat”.

I’d have been pissed off if I was your friend.

I have plans today.
I am meeting a friend for a catch up.
My son has been invited to (insert whatever you're going to).
All of these work.

But who cares if you are?

Is she your keeper? No!

Just do what you want and sod her!

Be brave.

Exclude her from your Insta stories. It really is that easy! Set up a ‘close friends’ list. Share Insta stories involving your child to that list.

I’ve been invited to a lunch tomorrow by Friend A. I’m already going to lunch with friends B & C (who don’t know Friend A). I’ve told Friend A I can’t make it. No other reasons required. You don’t need to ask for permission nor justify yourself.

Learn to say no, don't tell her your plans and stop appeasing her.

Sorry, but you're making this more difficult than it needs to be, if she see's you going out, you say I am off to meet a friend, got an appointment, going to the dentist/Dr etc. Don't invite her, its not hard.
As for it being seen on instagram, don't put it on?

It's really not that difficult. Say no. Busy/have other plans/meeting a friend.
Don't put everything on Instagram.