AIBU to feel frustrated that I’m spending thousands on our house while my partner hardly contributes?

[godforvidrenovations]

I know I’m very fortunate to be in this position, but I feel like I’ve ended up putting far more of my own money into our home than my partner has, and it’s causing tension. My parents recently gifted me £250k to help pay off our mortgage. I initially thought I’d use it to pay off the entire balance, but I’ve decided to only cover my half, leaving my partner with around £90k on his side of the mortgage. We’ve been together for 6 years, but he hasn’t proposed, and I don’t see why I should cover his half of the mortgage if he’s not ready for that level of commitment.

For context, I’ve already spent around £60k of my own inheritance on renovations over the past few years. Plus, I’ve put in even more of my own money (not inheritance) on furnishings and decor for the house. My partner contributed £30k from his inheritance when we bought the place, but since then, most of the expenses have been on me. I also earn about £9k less than he does and am by no means a high earner, yet I’m still covering the bulk of our home costs.

Now we’re planning some major renovations—knocking down walls, extending the kitchen, redoing the bathroom, and creating a home office for me since I work from home. I’m planning to put another £80k from my parents’ gift toward this, but I feel like my partner should contribute as well. I suggested he could help save costs by doing some of the work himself (he’s a plumber) and maybe cover the cost of our en-suite, while I pay for everything else. But he’s not interested in this and wants to keep his £5k savings “in case he needs it.”

Recently, he started covering the weekly food shop, but he’s already started complaining that I’m not helping with those costs either. My argument is that I’m trying to pay off my credit card debt, I earn less than him, and I’m the one covering nearly all of the renovation expenses.
He does his fair share of helping around the house with housework etc, but this all comes down to money at the end of the day and I do not want to blow a huge sum of money on a house my partner will benefit from, because he's doesn't want to contribute.

AIBU to feel frustrated and taken advantage of here? Or am I overthinking things?

I don't think it really matters how much money he does or doesn't have, you'd want to spend it.

How much is this house worth? £800K+?

The thing is you aren’t financing any of this yourself, it’s from inheritance so it’s a bit rich to moan he doesn’t have tonnes of available savings from his salary when you don’t either.

Why aren’t you contributing to food shops because you’re paying off credit card debt while you have a significant amount of money?

I think it’s totally fair for you to pay your half and leave his half of the mortgage, that’s more than reasonable. I personally would reconsider the amount you are spending on the renovations. It’s not guaranteed that you can get that back and it’s really hard to right into your agreement what portion of that you would I get back in a split.

I think you having a large inheritance doesn’t negate keeping bills at 50/50 though. 9k isn’t really a huge difference in take home.

If you don't want to pay for all the renovation work then don't go ahead with it. You have debts to pay, anyhow.

Why have you not paid off your credit card debt if you have this huge amount of money?
How are you splitting bills outside the food shop? Is it 50/50 or proportional to earnings or completely random?
Have you asked your partner if he wants marry you? Is he committed to a future with you?

Use your money to pay him out

Why are you renovating if he can't contribute towards it? Surely the answer is that large scale projects don't happen if they can't be funded. If you sink all this money in, do you get an additional proportion of the value increase? It sounds like you are resentful of him already.

I agree with this. You have received a large inheritance, he has only 5k left; that won't go far with home improvements etc. Think if it was the other way around?

It doesn't sound like he's being unreasonable, I wouldn't feel comfortable contributing to such a large scale renovation when I only have £5k to my main. That would be hugely financially responsible. You can afford to do it and it sounds like you want to, he can't.

So he'll have 2k left?
How much will you have left?

I don’t understand how you have CC debt?

I wouldn’t have ploughed so much money into house which is half his. You’re just giving him money hand over fist.

If the genders were the other way round in this there'd be a lot of harder questions as to why the person who has inherited all this wealth and decided to get expensive renovation done expects the other person to run down the meagre savings to "help". Unfair, leaves him very vulnerable. And it makes no sense you are trying to pay of a credit card. Pay off the credit card already! And you cannot pay off "your" half of a joint mortgage. You can ring fence what you've put in, but he disappeared tomorrow, you're liable for the whole mortgage. None of it makes financial sense. Just try and work out if the relationship is any good in the first place.

If you do wake up and get shot of the freeloader...let me know, I'll move into the spare room I figure that I've got 6 years before you realise I'm taking the piss.

This makes absolutely no financial sense and it doesn’t make any relationship sense either.

Stop trying to share an asset and finances with someone with whom you are not married. It makes no sense and is a bad idea. It is a fragile, temporary, relationship with an uncommitted person. You are using the mortgage and renovations as a proxy for sn actual, solid, committed relationship. Like you are painting a paper house to look like brick and planning to live in it.

He isn’t in this for the long haul OP. You are being taken for a huge mug here. He gets to live in a nice big extended house but didn’t pay a penny towards improvements? Will his portion of the house grow in value because of the improvements you are funding?

Can you buy him out of his share? I would do that and break up.

Also, if your credit card is charging a higher interest rate than you earn on your savings you should use your savings to pay it off.

Because they not married and have separate finances

Sorry you’ve been given quarter of a million but you can’t pay off your credit card?

I don’t think it’s fair to get him to contribute 3k - which sounds like a small proportion of the renovations anyway - leaving him with only 2k while you have tens of thousands, just for the sake of him making a token gesture.

It sounds like you don’t like him, and either way as a pair you can’t afford the renovations.

And this money was gifted to you, it’s not like you’ve been doing lots of overtime or something to get the money while he’s sat at home unemployed.

I take it he’s now paying what’s remaining of the mortgage, plus the food shop. How are bills split?

Pay off your credit card. Also is this really the right house if it is costing so much to renovate? If you want a home office maybe buy a garden room one for less expense? My DP has paid off his 'half' of the mortgage (with inheritance) so I pay the rest and any renovations are going to be determined by what we both can afford. I don't expect him to pay for more and equally I wouldn't agree to expensive stuff I can't share the cost of

You want him to contribute 60% of his relatively low amount of savings when you were gifted a quarter of a million? If someone only has £5k to their name it's irresponsible to spend that on house renovations.

I agree with the PP that you seem out of touch.

It doesn’t sound as if you even like your partner, let alone love him. Do you both a favour and sell up and split.

When two people have different amounts of money to spend, you either have to spend according to means of the least well off person (if you want to split things), or the better off person has to feel comfortable subsidising the less well off person.

who’s idea was it to do the renovations? If it was you then I think YABU. If he’s making suggestions but not stumping up the cash then YANBU.

your parents gave you £250k, you have ££££ from an inheritance, and you haven't prioritised paying off your credit card debt?🤔

@godforvidrenovations
If you're not married (come to that, even if you are!), get a deed of trust.

You can do what is called a Deed of Trust in Floating Shares, which basically means your percentage ownership of the house varies in proportion to the amount you contribute to it.

You need a good solicitor to draft it, I've seen some really appallingly badly drafted deeds of this type.

But it can be an excellent way to ring fence everything you put in, and so if he doesn't contribute, he also doesn't benefit, including from the uplift in value over time. You can include lump sum payments/over-payments into the mortgage, big renovations, smaller renovations & decor - it's totally flexible to reflect what you would like to include in terms of contributions, and then you can put in as much or little as you like, knowing that the benefit goes to the person who paid for it.

The only reason you have been able to afford to pay off your half of the mortgage and do the renovations is because you were gifted the money.

I think it's a bit rich that you are complaining he doesn't want to spend 60% of his 5k saving when you have tens of thousands and haven't even willingly paid off your credit card debt.

I would reconsider the renovations. It doesn’t sound like you’ve ringfenced additional spending on the house so you would have to share the value if you split, and his unwillingness to contribute combined with his objection to you ringfencing is a highly unattractive quality in a partner.