To find it so difficult to switch off from my teens?

[hairymotherplucker]

I've 4. 14-19.

The eldest two (19 and 17) seem to be flim-flammimg around, wasting opportunities, idling, entitled, ungrateful little
sh!ts.

We try to give them opportunities, encouragement...

They're terrible with money, tired (late nights and crap diet) and generally unpleasant.

How do you switch off? I let it wind me up and it ends in an argument. It eats away at me. When they're nice, they're lovely. When they're not, well, my heart actually aches.

They're not bad people. To everyone else, they're great. They've just no direction and the entitlement is a joke.

Thanks for listening.

Where do they get their money from?

What do they do for money? I would be tempted to cut off funds for phones, clothes etc.

Lots are at uni by 18 so I think they are probably need to go do their own thing. Cook & pay for things themselves.

Restricting financial help tends to knock entitlement on the head. Using phones/wifi as leverage may help? Need to be in FT education or FT work.. and a spoonful of acceptance that they’re brains aren’t fully formed yet so they’ll probably turn out alright if they’ve grown up with good family values… testing times when they look like adults but don’t have adult brains 😬

Following this as have 4 kids too ranging from 16 down to 11. My eldest ones are pretty vile most of the time and I can usually maintain a thick skin but occasionally it can really get to me. My eldest DS is very entitled and won't get a job despite him only doing a few days at college and constantly asking me to fund thing, which I usually manage to fob off.

I have a 17 year old and frequently find his attitude to money appalling. Wasteful with food for example.
But I'm hoping when he leaves home and truly has to budget some of my advice will prove useful. He also has no idea what he wants to do in the future.

Older 2 have both worked from 15 but have really struggled to find work since they finished exams. 17yo at college. Gets pocket money (has to contribute towards phone).

Eldest has just started a f/t job but moans like hell that it doesn't pay enough etc. It's not a forever job but it's regular, gives him responsibility, good on the CV etc. He's been temping (averaging 2 days a week but was taking everything he could). Spent all his childhood savings as soon as he could, spends money as soon as he gets it. Uses our car but pays own petrol/difference on insurance. We pay for phone (he contributes and knows the next phone is on him).

Wish he'd gone to uni - maybe distance and being forced to take responsibility would have improved matters.

I love him but his mood definitely sets the tone for the house.

I'm almost glad to read this OP (sorry!!) because I posted something similar on the Parenting page recently. I think the best thing that can happen to a young adult is to move away and actually have to survive alone. Then they learn to cut their cloth to their needs. Sadly these days with housing issues it's like they by pass that milestone and it makes life hell for parents. Even those that claim to be supporting themselves when living with parents still haven't a clue as they don't buy house stuff or pay all the bills. Maybe your eldest needs a full year to realise how to budget, for example he may wish to go on holidays but can't. He needs to save 100 a month or whatever towards the next years holiday or Christmas or whatever. Let him learn the hard way. It sounds like you are already doing the right thing gradually withdrawing supports.

No advice here just solidarity from another 'mother of entitled youth'.

❤️

I too have a similar situation with dd 19 who is currently 'on a gap year' but won't actually say what the other side of the gap looks like. She did incredibly on her a levels, was going to go travelling then changed her mind, now working full time as a receptionist. All she is interested in is hanging out with her boyfriend. Massively affronted if I ask for either financial contribution to the house (she could pick up some basic groceries here and there maybe), or physical contribution-requests re loading the dishwasher get met with arseyness. Doesn't say hello or goodbye, barely speaks 80% of the time. Has the audacity to be critical about Meals I've made. And so it goes on.
It's actually worse than when she was at school as at least then she went to her dads a few nights a week, now she doesn't even do that, and is here all the time.
I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from
Anyone else. I've tried talking calmly to her, family meetings, and getting angry. It's all ignored. It's actually making me really low and upset. I'm essentially paying for someone to live in my house and treat the rest of us like absolute shit.

Our relationship would be much better right now with some physical distance I think, sad but true. I hope she goes to uni next year for both our sakes.

I'm somewhat comforted to know I'm not alone but so sad for us all. What happened to our lovely little children?!

It's so sad isn't it, sometimes I look back at photos of them all looking sweet and happy to be with me when little and it makes me a little tearful. Hopefully they will come out the other side nice and adjusted and not lazy, entitled and mean like they can be now.

It is so bloody hard. Tonight I have emptied/cleaned all the bins because they were full and stinking. I have just told my teen I have done their job for them and indicated my displeasure. So when there is no allowance cash handed over this week it is not a complete surprise…

I am not a complete meanie, nor ungenerous. But this was the final straw in a series of incidents this week which have given me the rage.

It is all so boring. I feel sad and small to be so resentful.

I hear you. Tonight I found myself singing to a song I used to sing to one of mine when I was rocking them to sleep. I literally caught my breath. The memory physically hurt my heart.

@hairymotherplucker Ouch. I read that with a shudder of recognition. It is, indeed, visceral. Big love to you. Sending solidarity from here.

❤️

My little one is 6 so can't offer any advice but they all sound like guests who've out stayed their welcome.

My DD is at uni but not very far away (30 mins). The distance does help but she can also just be an arse from a distance and then I’m left furious but with no outlet. I also worry when she seems sad but sometimes she’s not sad she’s just being a miserable twat. I want to solve everything but I can’t.
Also I know she’s got her phone in her hand 98% of the time so why can’t she at least acknowledge when I’ve messaged her?
Sending hugs.

I genuinely think adult offspring living with their parents isn't great for them.

That's one of the worst things about the cost of living and rents in particular having spiralled. It's forced a situation that isn't good for young people's development or family relations.
Most young people won't feel free to experiment/take risks (and learn from them) as much living at home. It's so easy as a parent to dip in and help them solve problems. Its harder to encourage independence and responsibility.

I know lots of posters will say it's wonderful and works for them, which is fine but it doesn't work for lots of others. Size of home and disposable income can make a difference too.

Ahhh I recognise this so well.

My DD(now 21) was exactly like this. I genuinely couldn't stand her being in the house at times as it wound me up so much that I was working nearly 50 hours a week plus cooking cleaning etc.

It all came to a head at Easter this year. There was an abusive boyfriend that she was back to touch with. A quite usual 'why have you taken the last... ' argument blew up beyond all proportion and she flounced out saying to bin everything as she would never be back.

Long story short - she lasted less than a week with him, moved in various family members who kicked her out after refusing to deal with the same behaviour we had been dealing with. The final time (she had actually secured a job by this point but was 2.5 hours from home) she found herself homeless. Literally nowhere to go.

I went down, put her up in a holiday let for a week while we found an HMO. She moved in the day I went home. 4 months later, job is going well, she's been home to visit, loves her little flat (just a room really) and has built a life.

While it was horrible at the time, it was the best thibg that ever happened to her. AND she sees that too.....I never thought I'd see the day 🤣

If it’s really really bad, maybe a reality check for the 19 year old; he’s a legal adult now so if he doesn’t start to buck his ideas up and act like part of the adult household maybe he stops being part of the adult household and has to move out. If he wants it all his own way, that’s the price. If he wants the comforts of Mum and Dad, he has to act as the third adult and contribute.

Must have been so hard but well done for protecting your own welfare and mental health as well and not simply taking her back home. She’s learnt so much more by the experience she’s had, and hopefully now realises her own behaviour is the reason her life has taken the path it’s taken. No one else to blame.

It’s easier said than done but can you suggest she moves out if she isn’t going to respect you? She wants the benefits of living at home without the responsibility of being grateful for said benefits. That’s not how the world works and at the age of 19 the clock is ticking until she’ll have no option but to be responsible for herself.

I very much agree with this. The current financial and property climate makes things very difficult. Obviously it works in some cases but generally I don't think there is much to be gained from an extended adolescence and essentially putting off getting to grips with independent living. Some young adults need an extra year or two to be emotionally ready but other than that, it's hard for parents watching their adult DC make mistakes without feeling the urge to step in, and it's hard for DC not having the freedom to be young and live their life how they want to live it.

Op, in answer to your question, the answer is be a bit "selfish" and get busy with your own life. Please yourself a bit. Focus on things that bring you calmness and fulfilment and good health. Start those hobbies you have been putting off. And let your teens suffer the natural consequences of their behaviour. Obviously you need to keep lines of communication open and step in if you sense serious danger, but otherwise, leave some bowls of healthy home cooked food in the fridge three times a week and let them get on with it, while supporting very much from the sidelines.

Instead of saying "I am pissed off with you for sleeping through that job interview and you had better not do it again or I will take half of your allowance" maybe try "I will be very interested to see how you choose to approach this next interview" putting all the responsibility back on them.

Don't be tempted to bail them out if they run out of money, or miss that important lecture because they had too much to drink the night before, or don't have clean clothes because they failed to do the washing. Don't offer advice on relationships unless asked but be there to console when it goes wrong. Don't smooth their paths too much or sweep up after them either. This is the only time they can make mistakes and you be there as background support, so let the mistakes happen.

I hear you over the frustration of not making the most of opportunities coming their way though! Gah! So frustrating! They don't recognise them to be as important and significant as we do because they don't recognise their own privilege sometimes, or fully understand how hard it is out there, or they are too terrified to find out, and they just don't know how everything works yet. That takes time to develop. I look back at some of the opportunities I failed to pick up on, not recognising them as such at the time, and I cringe with embarrassment at my former self 😃. I did speak to my teens about my cock ups though.

The best thing you can do op is to prioritise your own well-being and be a good role model, demonstrating purpose, self-discipline, resilience, relative cheerfulness, with a proportionate level of anxiety or concern, kind of give them a blueprint about how to face challenges and live as a balanced, evolved adult, because even though they do not appear to be listening, they are definitely watching, and hopefully some of that will rub off! 💐

So glad it's not just me!!! Our 18 yo is amazing but sometimes seems to have no idea and affronted at the simplest request. All this will pass. They are lovely. But Christ it's hard.

I don't know if this is helpful, maybe not, but I still very vividly remember being that teen(actually 20). I lived at home after uni for 9 mths, and it was hell. Probably for my parents but also for me. I needed to find a job, I didn't know doing what, nothing caught my interest and my dad would constantly tell me/give me advice (despite, bluntly, knowing nothing about the corporate world as he'd been a nurse for his whole career). I remember once saying I felt dodgy about a phone interview and him basically forcing me by shouting to go to the face to face, turned out to be a giant scam for those "marketing" companies that are basically a pyramid scheme and it wasted a whole day and then spam phone calls for weeks. I didn't like the food they bought, I wanted to cook for myself, my mum kept shrinking my clothes...
Obviously now as an adult I can see how lucky I was, free house, free washing, free food, free meals. At the time I felt frustrated and infantilised and scared I was ruining my life and would be stuck there forever - them shouting at me that I was ruining my life, or having deep chats about how not to ruin my life definitely made this a thousand times worse.
I think the only thing that helped was saving up and renting my own place and eventually getting the right job, that I was actually excited about.
Don't offer advice, because even if it is helpful they won't hear it but often it isn't as we are all way off being that age and I have no idea what it's like nowadays. Let them make their mistakes, they will be irresponsible thats what being 17 is for, let them take their time (they'll be working for 50 years anyway), give them as much freedom as possible (let them cook for themselves if possible, wash their own clothes or go dirty etc)
The only thing that they did that helped, was once I was working they saved my household contribution up, and gave it back to me as a lump sum when I left (strongly suspect it was to keep me out!) It meant I felt really financially secure initially. We now love each other again, they love my kids, we are a super happy, clappy, "must call my mum", send them flowers when they're down, book them treats away, spend every Christmas together, family!
So.... I totally get it's shit for you, it's probably shit for them too and fingers crossed it is likely to end because they want to move forward I'm sure. Hang on in there ❤️