Another Christmas hosting one...

[CeciliaMars]

My elderly mum-in-law comes from a culture where Christmas Eve is the most important day of the year. For decades, she has hosted a huge gathering of family and friends, with a sit-down dinner with 12 courses. It involves a lot of work - moving furniture, shopping, cooking and a hell of a lot of cleaning up. She's now too old to do all of this herself, but still wants to host the gathering and won't agree to any compromises. This means days of work for me and my husband. We both work full-time and have 3 kids and it's too much. I don't enjoy it at all and it makes me tired and resentful. I feel stressed about it already. I have tried to ask her to change the day, simplify it, tone it down etc, and she gets cross then tearful and tells me this may be her last Christmas Eve. She's been saying that for years. It's worth noting that an almost identical thing happens each year at Easter! So what do I do?
YABU - suck it up to make an old lady happy
YANBU - stand your ground and do something different on Christmas Eve

Tbh I'd just go with it and do it l, though if there's a lot of relatives, can it not be co-ordinated a bit among you all?

YANBU!

Your MIL sounds like she really enjoys her cultural Christmas Eve, but we all must make compromises - especially if we're in a position that we're unable to do things for ourselves.

If she's refusing to compromise and it's causing issues for you and DH, then you have to drop the rope and not step up for this year.

Make it clear she's super welcome to an alternative Christmas celebration though!

She's being unreasonable!

She's too old to host the gathering, she doesn't get to delegate it to you.

Offer a compromise if you want. But I wouldn't even entertain the idea of loads of guests and courses on Christmas eve. Things change... that's life

Is your MIL Polish by any chance? Can you tell her that you have no clue how to cook traditional Christmas Eve dishes and it’s not happening (you and your DH cooking and hosting)?

And this maybe my last, age isn’t a precursor to death

so ill be enjoying Xmas eve doing something different this year - book something in a restaurant or get caterers in to do the food and everyone chip in for their meal

I also come from a culture where Christmas Eve is important, we have huge dinners and drinks then so I've made it a big deal in my family too (I.e. me, my English DH and our son). I'd keep suggesting other nice things to do on Christmas Eve, that still involves a gathering, but maybe less food and work. Not doing anything would feel awful for her.

I would however not give in on the whole "this is my last Christmas" shite. My grandma did this to my parents for DECADES. She's still alive and well at 86!

Could you approach some of the family and friends that your mil hosted over the years and explain that she is not able to host due to agem Maybe they would be able to host with the help of other guests. A group effort so it is not too hard on anyone. Then you could just tell your mil that family x want to host this year.

Absolutely not unreasonable. If she wants to do it, tell her to hire in some help.

Very unfair to ruin all of your Christmases- your kids are only small for a short time. Enjoy your Xmas eves, don't make them remember you running around stressed in the lead up every year.

Sounds like she's had plenty of Christmases her way, time for your to get one your way!

Aah, the old this may be my last Christmas routine- my Grandmother starting saying this when she was late 50's, she lived until her mid 80s. It's pure emotional blackmail Op

Get your DH to tell her that this year it's being held at a restaurant, and it's that or nothing. You've done it for X years and this year it's changing.

A three course buffet. That's all you should do. But lie and tell her it will be all the bells and whistles.

Commandeer friends and other family to pour drinks, and help out.

Be firm. You are doing your bit, just not martyring yourself. All will be well. I mean what can Mum say anyway? She will see her family and friends, have a great traditional (for her) Christmas Eve and if she wants more, she arranges it herself.

That's a fair compromise I think.

What does she expect to happen on Christmas Day?

Many cultures give Christmas Eve prominence over Christmas Day. This does take a bit of getting used to if you are British. We stayed with our Brazilian family one year and it was very different, particularly the turkey being served with pineapple at midnight on Christmas Eve,
The next year one of the Brazilian family stayed with us for Christmas. She was equally puzzled by our usual low-key activity on Christmas Eve.
But the flaming of the Christmas Pudding was a great hit and even more so the crackers. Unknown in Brazil apparently. She wrote on Facebook about the amazing ritual of crossed hands and synchronised pulling.

I would shut this shit right down! Shes being really selfish and you need to start standing up for yourself.

And it could be anyone's last Christmas when you think about it - none of us get a guarantee. Would you want to have spent your last Christmas completely stressed out because some selfish old woman (who has had years of doing it her way) thinks she can delegate her cultural traditions ( not yours) to you?

You're being unreasonable but as it's your MIL people on here will tell you you're fine and to tell the old biddy to fuck off etc.

It's one day. Yes it's a bit of work for you but is it really too much to ask?

It's one day. Yes it's a bit of work for you but is it really too much to ask?

12 courses is a LOT of work. The planning, the shopping, the cooking, the clearing up and washing up afterwards. And yes it IS too much to ask of a young family with three kids.

It will also can their own Christmas Day because they'll be too knackered to do anything and anyway they'll be sick of the sight of food to prep, cook and clear up.

However if you think it's only a bit of work and not too much to ask I'm sure the OP would give you the MIL's address if you're volunteering.

Get your husband to get caterers in for his mother's gathering. They will do it all, prep, food, serving, drinks, clear up. Give bill to his mother or she can share the cost with her son.

You have done your bit already and I admire you for your kindness up to now. Time to change the record but keep the music.

Where is your DH in all this. It's really his problem, not yours, isn't it?

If I was going to do this, I'd want to take a couple of days off, along with DH and a couple of other favourite relatives and then all four of you can share out the jobs and enjoy putting this amazing family feast together. There'd be wine, takeaways and dancing too.

Just taking a wild guess and mostly just reminiscing?

Are you making dried mushroom soup and sauerkraut pierogies? I have such fond memories of our big Christmas Eve feasts. I know my aunt sourced as much as possible from a local shop to lighten the burden, but there was a place right near her home.

Those dinners stopped 40 years ago when she had a stroke.

I don’t know how to make any of it and I can’t find anyplace who sells it either.

i would talk to your mother and tell her you want the tradition to be able to continue past her and the only way to do that is to modernize it a bit. You need to outsource, break up the tasks, and do what you can to simplify precisely so you can keep the tradition alive in this busy world.

Do 12 adults come?
if so, everyone does/buys a course each.

my grandmother also did the last Christmas thing for years and lived to 94

I think I would have a conversation with DH and say "I am happy to HELP but I am not doing it all this year, it's too much"

Perhaps there are other relatives who would be invited to the meal who could help? Maybe others bring different courses? Maybe MIL could do some of the preparing?

If no-one coming to the meal wants to help make it happen, then it just doesnt happen. I know it's sad for MIL, but it's a huge undertaking for you each year and overshadows your own Christmas.

Perhaps you can cut down on the courses and cheat where possible? Modification is the key

Thanks for all the responses. I have genuinely been going back and forth about whether I am being unreasonable. It does make me exhausted for the Christmas period as the next day I'm hosting my own family. This could go on for the next ten years, by which time my kids will have left home. It's so tricky. I will have the conversation with her though and tell her I'm not willing to do so much this year. Thanks again.

The important part is getting everyone together. Simplify by buying in where possible, dropping or substituting a few tricky dishes/ courses that you don't like, and asking a few trusted guests to make a specific course. If you buy in 4, drop 2 and get 4 made then you only have 2 to make yourselves. Host, and if she complains just say that dish didn't work out. Next year, simplify a bit more / delegate more, she'll get used to it.

I also really would't debate it with her. Just say you're hosting, simplify as you see fit, and deal with any discontent after the event. Otherwise you're spoiling the build-up for her and yourself in pointless arguments.