Another Christmas hosting one...

[CeciliaMars]

My elderly mum-in-law comes from a culture where Christmas Eve is the most important day of the year. For decades, she has hosted a huge gathering of family and friends, with a sit-down dinner with 12 courses. It involves a lot of work - moving furniture, shopping, cooking and a hell of a lot of cleaning up. She's now too old to do all of this herself, but still wants to host the gathering and won't agree to any compromises. This means days of work for me and my husband. We both work full-time and have 3 kids and it's too much. I don't enjoy it at all and it makes me tired and resentful. I feel stressed about it already. I have tried to ask her to change the day, simplify it, tone it down etc, and she gets cross then tearful and tells me this may be her last Christmas Eve. She's been saying that for years. It's worth noting that an almost identical thing happens each year at Easter! So what do I do?
YABU - suck it up to make an old lady happy
YANBU - stand your ground and do something different on Christmas Eve

My Nana was saying ‘well if God spares me’ when she 60…..he spared her another 64 years, don’t be taken in!

Is there anyone else that can help with this, rather than just yourselves? As it's a huge gathering of friends and family could your DH not contact people and ask them each to bring a course? That would keep the tradition and the recipes alive and make it the communal event it's meant to be.

If that won't work, stop discussing with her and tell your DH how much or little you are prepared to do. I mean if you're preparing a full Christmas dinner the following day, then Christmas Eve should surely be his responsibility.

This seems to be falling on you OP. It should be your DH who tells her 'no'. Tell him you can't/don't want to do it and stay strong or get another family member to do it.

I really don't understand why people allow themselves to get walked all over like this.

@CeciliaMars does she expect you to do the cooking in her home while she hosts or is she expecting you to do it all in her name in your home??? either way, it would be a big fat no way from me and your hubby should also be backing you. Is he the only child? how many other relatives come??

No one knows when they will pop their clogs. It could be your last Christmas Eve. Is this how you want to spend it, exhausted and angry?

If she wants to do it her way she can buy help in. She is not the boss of you.

At the end of the day, it's a DH problem and he should be dealing with it.

Stand your ground. But could she pick 2-3 favourite dishes from the old 12 course celebration that get carried over into a simpler one?

Who has a couple of days spare annual leave unaccounted for when you still have 3 children at home. Where are said children going when this is happening?

I think it’s most reasonable to be honest from the outset by saying you can’t possibly do this and unless she can prep the house herself and it becomes ‘everyone brings a dish pot luck style’ or take out etc then it’s not going to go ahead. Make your own traditions and as you have said, she’s welcome to join you.

Definitely YANBU. I wouldn’t offer myself up, I’d be too busy getting my family ready for our Xmas. If she wants it then she does it. Or you could make some dishes well in advance for her to have frozen that she can cook on the day if she wants to go ahead and that way you’ve helped but at a time that suits you. I honestly wouldn’t be getting involved. It’s everyone’s Xmas. It needs to be fair, if she’s had your input for yours then it’s your turn to opt out.

Don't be wasting all the Christmases when your own children are small, to appease someone who doesn't give a fuck about how you feel! You'll regret it when your kids leave home and you've not done anything the way you wanted to with them.

She can host

You get caters in

You divide the cost between the friends and families who attend

12 courses

Wow. What are they and assuming small ? Or people get stuffed

I Struggle with 3

Why isn't your DH also having the conversation with her? it's his mother

Not a hope in hell would i do this.

It could be an expectation for years to come...

Maybe agree to do something, but not quite as much as you are doing. Some ideas:

• hire private caterers
• Just do 3 courses
• trim down the guest list, eg. family but not friends
• Get all the guests to each bring a dish.

It would be unreasonable to completely cut out the celebration altogether, but she is being completely unreasonable if she won't accept any of those compromises. The each guest bringing something part would surely work well, as if the friends and family are also from her culture they will be able to cook the right dishes (and if not, IT DOESN'T MATTER), but also, EVERYONE will understand that an elderly lady can no longer host the way she used to, that's just a normal part of life.

I disagree that it's unreasonable to cut it out altogether. No one has a right to insist that other people host, if those people don't want to!

I would agree to do something but as pp have said get it catered and split the cost between everyone (where abouts are you, I might be able to recommend someone) or say everyone brings a dish. Its not fair to enforce a tradition on someone that requires them to do a load of extra work!

It's probably unreasonable just to have a conversation that is a blanket 'no, this isn't happening'

A more general discussion (or several?) involving you / DH / MIL and other adults involved in the Christmas Eve tradition might help - thinking about: what items are essential? which can be made in advance / frozen? who can contribute a dish?

You may end up with a more enjoyable and sustainable tradition where everyone is happy with their own contribution.