Has anyone else stop organising stuff...

[hby9628]

....not essential stuff like shopping/school uniform etc but things like tickets to events. Couple of examples,l....

friendship group &there is an event coming up soon that someone has suggested we go to. Some uptake but I know that if I don't book tickets it won't happen

DH needs to send a parcel. It's been packaged up ready to go for a week. I know if I don't sent it then it will continue to sit there. I'm going to see how long that takes.

I'm bored of organising stuff for other people. Anyone else feel similar? I'm aware there's a strong possibility I'm just being grumpy.

Yes, to an extent. I’m in a phase where all my friends are so busy (working parents of primary and preschool kids, with aging parents etc etc) so that goes some way. I’m busy too though - 3 kids, job, doing a qualification, 5 lots of hobbies and clubs to work around (3 kids and me and DH all very engaged and busy!) but my personality is hyper-organised to my detriment a lot of the time.

Some recent examples though:
Friend and I arrange to go to soft play, she confirms time and date is totally fine, I book my non-refundable ticket, she then realises she’s meant to meet up with someone else at that time. So me and DD go alone. So that’s fine, but me and DD were looking forward to seeing our friends! She wants to join in on a festive plan now but I’ve just said, ‘we’re going on this day [sort it out yourself if you guys want to come, maybe see you there]’

Another friend flaked out on my birthday meal last year as she had organised a day trip and wasn’t back in time…. Me and another friend been trying to find a date with her to meet up this year and she’s coming up with the weakest excuses and not suggesting anything that works for her, so I’m going to take the hint, sadly!

Family saying ‘we’d love to see you’, ‘let’s get the kids together’ etc…… well suggest something then!

Another friend we said in summer that we’d meet up in half term - time got away from both of us and it didn’t happen, so we’ve said we’ll try around Xmas. We’re both pretty good and non-flaky but just shows life does get in the way sometimes.

It's surprising how much the world just carries on if you stop doing things. It's almost as though most of what we do didn't really matter after all...

Life is pointless, absolutely. So make the most of it and have the best time possible! That’s my philosophy.

Definitely a good plan to sit back and wait to see what happens.

I cut back on a lot of the organising of everyone else’s life when I got burnt out at work and home. Had some wonderful CBT and the therapist helped me see that by always doing the organising people just piled on more and more. She got me to try saying no or not doing things and the sky didn’t fall in. Things that didn’t matter didn’t get done and the things that mattered most of the time someone else did them. It was breaking habits of a life time but it was so liberating and I am much happier

Yeah just stop those things.

This is very minor but I once left DHs hand washing in the washing basket as I decided it wasn't my job. It took him over a year to do it and it annoyed the hell out of me just sitting there all the time but I won in the end 😂

I also stopped having anything to do with the cards and presents for his side of the family, after a particularly difficult Christmas (and lots of birthdays round then in our family). Quite often he forgets to organise anything. He's forgotten his mum, his dad and his siblings birthdays. They are all still speaking to him 🤷‍♀️

Yes, was literally doing everything for my parents and being main point of contact, communicating to siblings, etc. to the detriment of my mental health.

No amount of discussion made any difference so now I only communicate if it's life threatening or the person on the receiving end is similarly good at communicating. I'm waiting for things to drop off the edge of a cliff to be honest. People might then notice how much I was doing.

It's very difficult but I couldn't continue as things were.

Laughing at this.

I will never ever buy a washing machine without a delicates/wool setting.

Yes I've quietly quit a lot of things.

Generally by mirroring people's behaviour.

So I was paying for a cleaner as I couldn't do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, child rearing.

But it just led to everyone in the house becoming more lazy and complacent. My own bank balance was suffering.

So I stopped the cleaner. And didn't clean (didn't have time). People would moan. My reply was 'I'm sure if we all did an hour together one evening it will be done. When would you like to do it? No one stepped up.

Husband has appointed a cleaner.

It took a year.

It's a long game.

lol yes I think it is a long game. I think a lot of this is my own doing. I need to silently stop and utilise some of the tactics suggested to change peoples behaviours

It's not just organising, I've also stopped answering questions that DP should and probably does know the answer to, but just asks me as a default.
These are all things that we have equal stake in so there's no need for me to know more about these things than him.

Recent examples:
Whats the date?

What's our postcode?

Does the shop sell corn flakes?

Is it raining? [We don't live in a windowless bunker] 🤨

You always get people who let others do all the organising.

Do they even thank you if not it would be nice.
It's up to you if you want to carry on I guess.

I think there's a difference between the organising at home and with friends.

At home, absolutely it's about everyone else assuming it's your job and the trick is to make it clear you won't be doing that anymore. It takes time. But there are all kinds of things I just don't do anymore and leave to DH. He, yet again, had to pull the entire washing machine out the other day to drain it because he still has not contacted the company for the replacement part we need. Not my problem but I felt no guilt as he spent 90 minutes on a task that should take all of about 3 minutes.

With friends or social events, this is a bit more nuanced. I have a friend who is a wonderful host and genuinely enjoys it. But she decided years ago that she had a "3 times and you're out" rule - she will host, or suggest events, a maximum of 3 times. if it is not reciprocated after that, she assumes this person does not actually want to be her friend and is just using her for convenience. I have a similar approach - I'll happily suggest things or arrange things, but I won't chase anymore and if it's always me suggesting, then it's time to move on. this is particularly true in the context of all those people you meet through the DC who you become friendly with - if they're not putting the effort in, it doesn't mean they don't like you but this isn't a friendship that's going anywhere. My WhatsApp is filled with group conversations for evenings out etc that have gone silent or tumbleweed... I move on.

And then there is always that one person who is really good about the organising etc, and I do try to make sure that I reciprocate on some level AND express appreciation.

Where I'm struggling at the moment is with the DC, DD in particular. Somehow, we are always the host family for events and parties. We do have playdates etc which is great at other houses, but somehow, it's become expected that we'll throw DD's birthday party (even though many of her friends don't), plus an Easter party and a Halloween party. Someone was talking about a Christmas party the other day---- I put the kibosh on that instantly!

@KStockHERO not helpful I know but your post made me smile "does the shop sell cornflakes" 🤷‍♀️

@MrSeptember I like the 3 and out approach. That party organisation sounds intense. I'd definitely draw a line

I’ve stopped suggesting and organising anything this year as an experiment. As a result DH and I have gone out alone together once in 11 months, for an 1 hour impromptu lunch. I also haven’t seen any of my friends.

I just arrange stuff to do alone or with my kids now.

@PalisadesPatty I anticipate the same will happen in our house

I am always appreciative of others organising get-togethers, possibly to the point of over thanking them😂

However I stopped doing things at home and mirrored DHs energy. He was not amused. It did get to the point where I needed to suck it up and actually do stuff though if I wanted the right outcome, eg filled in his Form E because "it's too hard", put filled in cheques in front of him for his signature...

My biggest refusal was not throwing away empty toilet rolls unless I finished it. I think we got up to 20 before he caved 😂

I've stopped at work unless I really like the person. I do all my own work of course. But when someone can't find/use/understand something I've stopped being the go to helper. It feels such a relief.

Yes to this. I stopped doing this for Dh extended family a few years ago. Not sure why or how it became my responsibility in the first place.
I also stopped jumping up and looking for things, it was always last minute and used to stress me out so much. Now my stock answer is 'I don't know' and the reduced stress for me is great.

I'm posting because I want to know the outcome of the parcel in the hallway!

I am a single parent and when the kids were younger I had to do almost everything. I did eventually burn out during the covid homeschooling fiasco. Since then I have been gradually handing responsibility back to those it belongs to. Every time something could be dealt with quickly and easily by me I stop and ask myself 'Is this my responsibility?' The penny has dropped with the now teens and they are better humans for it.

There must be something in the air, I have backed off with a lot of this too.

Some of these posts are great, I'm pleased I'm not the only one doing it.

I decided a few years back to match peoples energy. What that meant was some friendships fell to the wayside.
If it wasn’t me planning meet ups, trips etc then they just didn’t happen.
With DH I was clear with him I wasn’t organising anything unless he did, but tit for tat, but we were having counselling at the time and I think it helped him see how hurtful it was.
On the plus side he does organise stuff now, which is great and luckily for me my sister is also an organiser.
I’m still sad about some friendships, but figured I just wasn’t worth the effort, so I just stopped putting in effort. It does mean though I have friends now who are equally as invested in our relationship.

Yes. There’s no thanks for being the one who does stuff, it just becomes expected.
Then sometimes if they eventually notice you have stopped they then see you as the problem 🙄. Ignoring the fact they NEVER bother.

@TreesWelliesKnees the parcel has left the building. Not sure if it's still in his car though!
I agree with your comment I think I did stuff for an easy life and now I'm just getting exhausted by it. It's thankless.

Currently sorting out new mobile contracts for my parents. My mum is retired and has all the time in the world.....
I have just handed over booking meals for a weekend away with friends to my husband after he complained about where I booked. That was two weeks ago and still he's not sorted anything and it's killing me!!!!!
I did the same for this year's holiday as he wanted to do something different to my suggestion. We were supposed to be going with friends. He made an absolute palaver of it, never got anything decent sorted and we eventually went to my initial choice (which I then sorted out myself) minus friends who had given up waiting and booked elsewhere.
There is a theme.....
Much as it drives me up the wall at least if I've done it myself I know it will be done properly!
And back to the mobile phone contract.....