Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Maybe she was never a nice person but previously she had everything she ever wanted and probably looked down on people whose lives weren't as perfect as hers.

Now, she can't believe that it has happened to her when it should be happening to the sort of people who she despises, e.g. fat people.

Relationship breakdown is pretty common but I don't know anyone who took it out on their friends. I could understand her getting drunk and slagging off her ex-husband and new partner, but not the people trying to support her.

I think this is very insightful.

As far as what you practically do goes, I would be for some version of sitting her down and explaining that you more than understand she's suffering but her behaviour is beginning to drive people away and she needs a space to process these emotions that won't cause further damage to her life by alienating her friends.

I understand your friend is still upset. After 18 months she need to be taking steps to make a more positive life for herself. I'd definitely speak to her about it. If she doesn't change her ways give her a wide berth.

I would distance myself but personally wouldn't tell her why, she won't be able to see the woods for the trees.

@Crushed23 Thank you for your kind words, it's still more than I've ever got from my mother.

I'd agree with you that in both cases it's more of a mental breakdown - sadly my mother would be beyond offended if you even suggested that though! When the judge told her -when the financial side of the divorce ended up in court - that as a 47 year old healthy woman with no dependant children she was expected to financially support herself, you would have thought he'd suggested she be sold into white slavery!

I'm afraid after 35 years my empathy for my mother has all but disappeared. She's still had a good life, but refuses to see it.

Being angry and bitter is understandable. But personal attacks on entirely innocent bystanders (re. your mutual friend's weight) is not acceptable and somebody needs to say so. If it were my weight and husband brought up I'd be too ashamed and insecure to say anything but if it were a friend of mine I would stand up for them publicly and tell the woman in question how out of order that comment was. You need to stand up for each other and draw boundaries for your 'friend' setting out what you will not accept.

She has been spoilt and never had to live a real life. Step back and don’t be available.

‘Friend - I love you and value our friendship. I’m sorry you have had such a difficult time, and I appreciate the world-ending nature of your divorce and its impact on your life. However, you are now directing your anger at me and others who care about you. At the spa you behaved appallingly, with no gratitude and no sense that I have been there for you through difficult times and was trying to give you a rest and enjoy your company. I would suggest you find a way to work
through your understandable anger and sadness at the end of your marriage. I cannot agree to continue as a scapegoat for the horrible things that have happened to you. I’m here to talk if you want to, but not to absorb anger that I don’t deserve.’

She is acting like she has no agency over her own life and decisions going forward. Sounds like she's always been a passenger of life, now she has no pilot to steer her she has a choice to either step up and direct her own journey, or let the plane plummet to the ocean.

This is good!

The only thing I would change is the "you behaved appallingly". Even though it is true she will hear this as an attack. I would say something like "I was shocked when I heard you say things that seemed so out of character. I have never heard you talk like that before and it made me worried etc...." something like that. Keep it as positive as possible.

My heart breaks for people in much worse situations than this, not so much for a spoilt and privileged woman whose marriage ends. Not saying it doesn't suck but life simply IS hard and the fact that she has been able to go even 18 months without having to think about work or retraining is indicative of enormous privilege. Not perhaps compared to her set, but in most normal circles. She is behaving appalling and there really is no excuse for it.

She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat.

That is unforgivable and to be honest I'd be very upset if I was the friend in question and nobody had stuck up for me and said "that's enough."

I think you are actually seeing part of her real personality, now the mask is slipping a bit. She had that thought in her head when she made that cruel comment.... previously she was perhaps able to filter herself a bit more. I can see her ex husband's point of view tbh!

You need to do her a favour and step back but tell her why. I hate confrontation too and am a bit of a coward so would probably do it over a message. Her first reaction will be defensive and more anger so I'd give her time to hopefully digest the message rather than risk a row.

If she doesn't take it on board, she is only adding drama and upset to your life now anyway. But I think she does need a friend to step in and tell her that she needs to stop and that what she's going through doesn't give her a free pass to hurt other people.

Do you know anything about your friend's childhood, OP? I think not having worked at all, ever, is highly unusual, and in my experience an adult who is willing just to be everyone else's handmaiden tends to have grown up knowing that they had to meet all of their parents' emotional needs to be safe from harm. Then they replicate that dynamic in their adult relationships, expecting that if they suppress their own needs in favour of meeting others' that they will be looked after physically and materially. So her husband leaving her for someone more rounded would feel like a betrayal of a pact he may not even have known he was in (as well as the marriage vows he knew he was breaking ofc) and would have shaken her core sense from childhood of how the world works.

Tbh, I think a substantial number of women grow up in that dynamic, because of how we tend to be raised never to make a fuss or push for our needs to be met. It makes me sad how many pp have posted about mothers who were irretrievably angry and bitter when husbands left them, because I suspect the same applies. It must be very hard to suddenly pull yourself together and make your way in the world as an adult when at a very basic level you're still a frightened child. I think your friend needs help, OP.

I know she's had a terrible time and obviously a lot of sympathy and leeway can be applied to people going through hard times, particularly in the immediate aftermath.

But it's very easy to be a calm and serene person when your life is calm and serene, if its 18 months on and she's still treating people poorly - it may be that she's not the person you thought she was.

I'm not saying to cut her off, but definitely take a step back and let her help herself - at the end of the day she's a grown adult and life can be horrible, she needs to brush herself off and crack on, other people can only support so much.

I think you are giving her an out. I’m returning to work next year - spent last 4 years doing an MA and PhD so will start teaching 16+/undergrad. I’m 55 and not been employed for 20 years (though did have an afterschool care/childminding business for 4-5 years a while back). For context I have 2 children with SEN needs and no close family so have had to be the at home carer for a DH who travels globally with his job.

I’m nervous, have to ‘qualify’, a little daunted - but I need new non-mummy/school gate friends and a life outside my kids. Also feel my self esteem will grow (its been a bit low for years) and think having some money of my own will be hugely helpful in that, as well as offer some protection if DH is made redundant etc. Underneath it all I am also a bit excited and hoping I will make some new friends with similar interests to me (just one who reads books would be a bonus) or even meet people who will introduce me to new things outside the bubble of motherhood/SEN kids.

If your friends has a degree she could absolutely go back to uni to do a vocational Masters - student loans are not means tested and fully available for mature students, so would cover tuition fees and a bit left over for travel/socialising and she won’t have to repay any of it until her personal income reaches £26k ish. I took my MA loan out at 52 and my PhD one at 53. Ironically they will be written off at 60 if I’ve not repaid them.

They are crying out for psychologists, SEN specialists, speech therapists, teachers (!) - I could go on - and any of those would welcome a mature entrant.

You sound like an amazingly thoughtful and kind friend, but this woman's situation and subsequent fall-out is now impacting you negatively.
Time to reinforce that you're there for her, and that you will always listen to her, but you must step back and give her space.
This woman likely will need professional help, like counselling and job counselling.
Has she been for a physical check up? Talked to a doctor? She's festering the hurt, processing it and it's not not helping that it's now making her so angry, and her DC, it must be doubly dreadful for her too to have her mum lashing out and being so negative to those she loves, such as you and her other friends.

after 18 months I think most people wouldn't be accepting of completely unnecessary personal insults against third parties even after a bereavement tbh...

I have to say OP if I was the friend who had been insulted about her weight after spending 18 months supporting this person, I'd be pretty upset that all the rest of the friend group just let it slide and didn't stand up for me because they were 'too shocked.' I think someone needs to say something to divorcing friend asap before the whole friendship group starts taking sides and breaking up.

OP I was the bitter one if I'm honest. My perfect life was blown up.

God only knows how my friends put up with me but they did - they must have listened to HOURS of all this bitterness and hate coming out (I apologise a lot for this!). 18 months is not long to adjust to a new life, betrayal and all the upheaval. Throw in a hideous divorce and all the legal wrangling - sheesh - poor woman.

It's been 6 years for me and I say it's only in the last 2 I'm back to myself. It's come with indifference to the situation - my life moved on (for the better - never thought I'd say that) and when things settle for your friend and she carves her new life, which hopefully will be better, you'll have her back and she'll be stronger.

All this back away, distance yourself advice...very cold and cruel - probably ones that have never had to go through it. It is arduous but I'm now there for two of my friends that are going through separation and i will be there no matter what and listen to all the hate because I know that's what's needed to process it all.

All this back away, distance yourself advice...very cold and cruel - probably ones that have never had to go through it.

Not true. Been through it and more. Did nothing but help. When she started slating me because my life hadn’t turned out the way hers did, why would I stick around to get slated? Why would anyone.

being hurt doesn’t give you the right to hurt others.

I think you can usually get a measure of someone by how they behave when things aren't going their way - comments like the fat one to your friend, and about your husband are unacceptable

🤣🤣🤣 never had a job?! Did she think he would bank roll her forever? Also loving the description of her “bohemian lifestyle”. He worked (probably in the city or law etc), she shopped at John Lewis, bought clothes from Monsoon etc. Doesn't sound very bohemian. Sounds very suburban middle class

Why does she feel sorry for your husband?

Did you make comments like asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat?

Thats unforgivable no matter what has happened to you.

Did you ask one of your friends why her husband is still with her because she's so fat?

Bitterness at the cheating husband and OW - fair.
Being nasty to friends out of jealousy - not fair.

@Un4732 "God only knows how my friends put up with me but they did - they must have listened to HOURS of all this bitterness and hate coming out (I apologise a lot for this"

but were you being bitter to them and about them, like the fat comment OP friend made? It's one thing to hear bitter venting and another thing entirely to have someone making vicious remarks to you and about you.

It's so easy to write someone off as spoiled or awful, but the only thing I know about life as I get older is that we humans are so weird, complex and unpredicatble! Any one of us condemning this woman could find ourselves reacting the same way if we face a personal tragedy (which this is for her). Or not. You really never know.

And was she spoiled though? For me, the thought of being a SAHM would not be mitigated by spa days and suchlike because I am a career woman. Her life might have looked great on the surface but for me that would be hard work and I would feel like a kind of servant to a man, sacrificing my own god given ambitions. If I did that and he ran off with another woman...well the saying "hell hath no fury" comes to mind.