Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

what is PITA?

@Iwantabrightsunnyday PITA - pain in the arse

I mean, it may well be but the result and consequences are still the same. She’s refusing to get therapy so not much OP can do!

OP can’t be her therapist or her emotional scapegoat so the only thing to do is pull back and put boundaries in place. You can’t force people to seek help if they refuse to have it.

Maybe it would make this woman feel better to punch the OP in the face and get her anger out, doesn’t mean OP should allow that to happen 🤷🏻‍♀️

Best to write a note so she can read it, the way I would choose to do it.
Why have her parents not been tough on her, we have crap to deal with , being nasty to others doesn’t help

She sounds depressed. Probably not the best time to distance yourself tbh. You could instead be really honest with her about how it’s upsetting you and draw up some rules and boundaries. Listen and empathise but tell her no negative comments allowed about your life or your children.

I genuinely have the greatest of sympathy when this happens.
It is devastating and the grief is huge.

But her nastiness is completely unacceptable and no one is favouring her by tolerating it.
Her weight remark was vicious and I would not want to be around her.
I actually don't feel sorry for her hemorrhaging friends, she clearly neither appreciates them nor the huge efforts they have gone to for her.

Marriages do fall apart, but you don't turn on your friends and think you can be vile towards them.
There is a type that lashes out when life is hard, clearly she is that type.

Many women would feel so blessed to feel so supported.
I actually think none of you ever really knew the real her.
She has never faced adversity so how would you really know her?
Now she has and she turns absolutely vicious.
No thank you.
I would be giving her lots of space.
I think you are just seeing another side to her, that was always there, except hidden.
Speak to her if you wish, but I would think stepping back is wise.

You need to read the whole thread. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence that the OP's friend is lying about this.

Tell her whilst you are very sorry for what has happened to her you don't deserve all this shit that she is giving you and if it carries on you will be distancing yourself from her. She needs professional counselling by the sound if things.

i wonder if it would be better to go and do something, rather than talking/crying and walking.
go for a swim
whatever?

Exactly, you think if she was so desperate to work and had been prevented against her will, she'd have plans and dreams, and at some point, had made some movement!

I have read the whole thread and therefore won't take what the OP's friend claims at face value.

Consider this. Why would a man who doesn't want "his woman" working run off with a colleague who herself is still working 18 months later?

The OP has also told us her friend never worked, not even before children, and revelled in her role as a SAHP.

I think it is far more likely that the OP's friend refused to work, her husband lost respect for her and went off with a colleague and now she is in the phase of the breakup where she is still making every excuse under the sun to not work.

I wouldn't put someone with her sharp tongue above slandering her ex for sympathy either.

Exactly.

I'd just take a massive step back from her. I think there is being supportive and there is being a punching bag.

You should still invite her to group events but no no no to paying for spa days or other treats. That's offensive to be so rude and ungrateful. I'd stop inviting her to lunches. Be less available. If she asks why you're going to have to level with her that she needs to stop with the nasty comments.

To be honest it sounds like she's always felt superior to you. Feeling sorry for your husband. Slagging off your new jumper. What a cow. I think she's always thought she was better than you and her other friends but now she has been dumped she needs to bring you down a peg or two.

Eventually she will find a new well off man and can afford to be magnanimous again.

i love this one too

Maybe your friend was always this mean/jealous but because she was top dog in the group, and felt she was better than you all - she was nice and calm. I went through a divorce and for many years my lifestyle was far less than my friends, and I dropped behind them considerably. I was upset at the world and felt sorry for myself and occasionally wished i had a friend's life - but I never took it out on my friends. Nor did I feel bitter or angry towards them - they were my lifeline so I felt grateful to them and they reminded me that good people do exist and i wasn't that unlovable if they loved me.

Your friend's got much deeper seated issues than just her DH leaving. I suspect she's always felt entitled to her lifestyle and without her DH's backing she doesn't have it, and can't fathom that other people still might. I don't think she'll ever go back to the person you knew sadly. Not without a LOT of therapy. But she probably thinks she's too good for therapy too.

I would start distancing myself and just observing. If she lacks self awareness, it's a lost cause. If she realises what's happening and makes an effort to change, there's hope but it will still take time.

As several PP have already pointed out multiple times, we don't know if this is true. Points against:
a) He fell for a colleague - so clearly working women attract him
b) She not only hasn't made an effort to find a job in 18 months but has never worked since university
c) Spends her time indulging in her hobbies painting/gardening/baking and being a very happy SAHM.

FYI, although trophy wives/status symbols don't work, it's very uncommon for them to do nothing outside the home. They usually do at least charitable work or have their own hobby businesses.

I wouldn't personally tolerate this behaviour after one and a half years. I would definitely be giving her some tough love and say everyone's sick of this even if she bit my head off.
She is so very lucky having lovely friends and supportive family, when my husband left I had absolutely nobody and had to live on my wits.
She needs to think about a career too. There is no reason why she can't go to university, I went at 45 and trained to be a podiatrist and have a great career now. A job or a plan will give her something to live for.
Going along with her behaviour is not kind, she will just get stuck in a permanent rut.
I needed a friend to give me some sharp words when I went through the menopause, I was a bloody mess and after that I went onto HRT and calmed down.

I've read all the OP's posts, which is what counts, notably the one about what went on behind closed doors. The OP has not questioned this so not quite getting all the speculation about what "really" happened.

Yes we can all understand why she behaves as she does. It’s not acceptable however, you don’t have to put up with it. Talk frankly with her and leave the ball in her court. Does she want to loose more support? If she carries on this way you have no choice but to pull away.

Right, so this woman's horrible, bitchy venomous personal attacks are to be expected and 'awww poor her' and not putting up with it, and emotionally protecting yourself is the 'cold and cruel' action??
NOT asking someone why their husband hasn't left them as they're so fat?!!

Op, only really read your posts, but I want to draw attention to the children here. My mother was and is an alcoholic. It was and is awful. As a child, no one realised what I was going through. Suggesting you “step back” etc is great for you but the children WILL be suffering even if they smile and pretend everything is ok. You don’t even like one evening with her these days. What to do about it? I don’t know, but she needs to address her alcoholism. Furthermore, eating disorders are catching, especially when modelled by the mother. Sadly, I’m speaking from experience there too. Do keep encouraging her to go to counselling, call her out on her drinking, make yourself available for the kids perhaps, or somehow be a guardian or fiend to them …and ask them how they are. That’s someone no one ever asked me growing up. And keep asking them, since I’d likely have said nothing. For all sorts of reasons, including shame.

Sorry! Be a Friend, not a fiend!!

So sorry, sounds like she is still suffering from the shock of it.

I am widowed and have recently been feeling envious of a friend, because she still has her husband. It is very difficult being alone. I recently did an event with this friend, and overheard her speaking to the woman of another couple, asking her what time they were meeting for the cinema. It wouldn't occur to her to invite me too, because I am alone.

@Un4732 exactly. There's a difference between spewing hatred towards the world in general/your disgusting ex. And making personal attacks on your own friends, who are trying to help!

@echt Why would the OP have questioned it? She's like and trusted her friend until now. And could never have predicted she'd behave like this.
How well does she even know her really if at all.

Once again depression/alcohol/whatever doesn't create thoughts that didn't exist. Everything friend is spewing is thoughts that she has always had. She's just not said them out loud.

Obviously if she did she'd have been friendless a long time ago...

I haven't seen any supporting evidence to show the OP's friend is telling the truth and I have heard accounts of what she is like that in my opinion makes it more likely than not that she is telling porkies.

Ask yourself another question. If she was so repressed and not allowed to work, why 18 months after the split has she still not even started looking for work?