What would you do?

[Twizzlelolly]

Looking for some wise Mumsnet advice.

Been with partner 8 years. Have 2 children together. Living in his house. He doesn’t want to get married.

Been fortunate enough to be at home with the kids (working 1.5 days). Now youngest is at school, he wants me to go back to work full time and for my money to pay for a cleaner and other luxuries. He is in a very well paid job. I’m happy to increase my hours.

I feel as though he has protected himself and his money. How can I protect myself? I feel vulnerable.

What would you do?

I would seek advice from Women's Aid because I am financially vulnerable and being financially abused.

Have you suggested a joint account ?
How will wrap around care be paid ?
What protection is he giving you and his children in the event of a split ?
What does his will say ?

He needs to answer that question or I'd be gone.

I would also suggest professional help, maybe a financial planner. Certainly build up your pension, does he plan to include you in his will with regards to the property what about his pension? Although he can change those at any time.

He sounds controlling, isn't it up to you if you want to go back to full time work? I could understand if you were struggling for money but just to pay for a cleaner etc is something you both need to be on the same page about. Not him dictating.
As for the marriage, you have two children together so there needs to be some commitment, has he put you in his will? Why is he so against marriage?

If he decided the relationship was over you will be out on your arse.
Sorry but I would be leaving if he didn't get his shit together.

You need a Time Machine to protect yourself.

As it stands he's made smart but controlling decisions and you've made not smart and passive ones. Go back to work but save very hard. Put everything you can in savings and pension. Otherwise you will be poor and homeless whenever he decides.

Thank you all for your replies

We did have joint account, but he didn’t pay any money into it. He then agreed that he was only going to pay a set amount in each month for me to access. So, I decided it was best just to keep our separate accounts.

As far as I know everything is to go to the children and probably his mum which I’m fine with.

He saw his mum and dad divorce and many of his friends so he says that he is against marriage and doesn’t see it as a commitment.

He owns a few properties, so is protecting himself I guess which I can understand to a certain extent. But, it doesn’t make me feel very protected so guess I got to look out for myself.

Very frightening. Get back to work full time and save every penny, do not fritter on cleaner etc. You need to buy a property even if for rental. You either need to get married or get on the deeds I think. I could not be with someone who thought so little of me. It's really shocking. What does he think of you having zero security??

As far as I know everything is to go to the children and probably his mum which I’m fine with

Why, why, why are you fine with this??

When I work more hours I don’t think he is going to let me save.

He wants his mum to look after the kids.

Because I’m not with him for the money. I’m happy for it to go to the kids. It’s money he made before he met me so I don’t feel entitled to any of it. But, I would like some security and commitment.

It just seems a very unequal relationship OP.
It's not even that he doesn't seem to value or care about you it's that you don't seem to value you yourself or see yourself as worthy of being valued and cared about.

His attitude to you seems really cynical and devoid of love. It's seem your only use to him was to provide him with children.

This is exactly how I feel - he sees me as worth so little. Maybe when I am earning more he will value me more. But, do I really want to be someone like that?

He says that he loves me and that the children are his commitment to me. Is always promising to sort things out, but never does.

This just seems so wrong to me.
He has committed to having children with you, it's not right for him to carry on acting financially single

I have said this to him and he said it really upset him and I was bang out of order. I don’t think he really loves me, I so wish he did.

You need to love yourself and realize your self worth. You are worth a secure roof over your head.

I would go back full time and say no I’m not paying for a cleaner - I’m saving for a pension and then make sure you salary sacrifice at least 10 percent into your pension.
everytime he suggests something I would say no can’t afford it. Start saving for yourself! The issue you have and he will have is your kids who he is leaving everything to if they marry the money will be halved if they divorce anyways. Don’t get why men have this horrendous attitude. If he has no will the law of ingestation applies which favours your kids anyways not his mum.

You are vulnerable op and he sounds like a self serving dick. You can’t change the past but I would be insisting on some financial commitment if the relationship has any future.

As PPs have said, you are already financially vulnerable- would suggest you get a job and save as much as you can especially into a pension.

And if he kicks off about this then i'd suggest LTB. Protecting himself by not marrying is selfish enough, but not supporting you to do the same is a sackable offence in my opinion. Good luck OP!

He needs to at least sign one of his other properties over to you.

Well it's all very well him SAYING he is upset that you think that and that you are " out of order" for thinking it. But if he is so upset then he should be taking on board the fact that is how you feel and doing something practical to remedy the situation.

I think if he is not doing anything to make you feel this is not the case then it tells you all you need to know.

I agree with pp that you should be doing everything you can to secure your own financial position.

I'm so sorry you are in such a vulnerable position with such a cynical selfish man.

He's fine for you to essentially be homeless if he dies tomorrow then if you're not in his will and he hasn't provided for you. Go back to work and stop relying on him if he won't marry you

It’s money he was able to make because you stayed at home to look after his kids so that his career could continue to flourish. At the very least he should leave the mother of his children with a place to live and money to look after the kids until they’re 18. If you accept less than that then you are a fool.

Let me guess, he hasn’t been paying into your savings or pension whilst you’ve been caring for his kids for free?

You also say he probably won’t let you save your money when you go back to work. How does he get to decide that if your finances are separate? If you can’t decide what he does with his money, how is he allowed to decide what you do with yours?

You sound very passive OP. He will leave you and you will be homeless. He’ll keep the kids because you won’t be able to.

WTAF??

I'm wondering how it's possible he can dictate to you whether you're 'allowed' to save your own money or not. How exactly can he prevent you from doing so?

You also say he probably won’t let you save your money when you go back to work. How does he get to decide that if your finances are separate? If you can’t decide what he does with his money, how is he allowed to decide what you do with yours?

Exactly that - put better than I said above; but that's what I meant.

If he owns a few properties maybe he could give you one as a token of his good intention? That would give you a half decent pension and security.

I’m not being sarcastic- if you two are a committed couple and he sees you together for the long term, this benefits him too because the income from the property stays within the family, while you could still get a job and also pay for a cleaner, instead of needing to save for your own future.