What would you do?

[Twizzlelolly]

Looking for some wise Mumsnet advice.

Been with partner 8 years. Have 2 children together. Living in his house. He doesn’t want to get married.

Been fortunate enough to be at home with the kids (working 1.5 days). Now youngest is at school, he wants me to go back to work full time and for my money to pay for a cleaner and other luxuries. He is in a very well paid job. I’m happy to increase my hours.

I feel as though he has protected himself and his money. How can I protect myself? I feel vulnerable.

What would you do?

Read this back to yourself. Slowly. And again.

It's absolutely not his decision to make about your saving money

Is you name on this property? Is he willing to get married?

I would work full time in your situation and put at least 50% of your earnings into savings/pension. If he's not going to protect you, you need to protect yourself.

How do you access money currently?

I'd get my arse into fulltime employment.

What? I'm so sorry OP, this sounds like financial abuse to me. Why wouldn't he want you to save and build up a pension for yourself? If he ended the relationship tomorrow you would be penniless and he'd have a pension, fab career prospects and multiple properties. Yet you've been raising his children. He should see you as equal partners and treat you as such.
Please start secretly saving. Do you feel safe to talk to him about your financial situation?

This

How do household finances work at the moment? Does he pay bills etc on the house? And food and kids clothes?

It's a ploy, but it might help to approach him with the claim "I'm scared for my future - what would happen if I'm old and alone?" Make him understand how vulnerable you are so he understands why you have to save hard and doesn't immediately assume you are after his money. and emphasis how much you've lost out on by staying home with the kids.

You need to get back to work , then dump him and claim child support. Also Wills can be changed, so it could be he doesn't leave anything to your kids.

This is utterly insane OP. I have more financial security than you and I've been a single parent for almost 9 years.

But you’re the mother of his children. He should be making you a priority, not his mum !!

You need to protect yourself. Did you know his attitude before you had kids with him ?

If he decides to break up, you will be homeless and your kids will be looked after by their gran ( unless they come with you ) It’s a bit late now but if you had insisted on marriage before having kids you would all be protected.

In the gentlest way, I’m only spelling the above out to you because you seem so passive about it still and don’t seem to “ get it”. It’s nothing to do with you being a money grabber. It’s about protecting yourself and your children.

Is the child benefit in your name so you get your NI paid towards your state pension at least ?

Do you feel loved by him in other respects ?

And what would I do now if I was you ?
I’d go to work full time and save most of it for a ““running away fund” I’d also set up a pension for myself . I’d pay large chunks of my money into that.

I’d also speak to Women’s Aid because he is very controlling and financially abusing you.

What do you mean, he is not going to let you save? Your salary is going to be paid into your bank account. He has no access to it and cannot force you to spend it. So don't spend it.