Am I being sneaky or sensible?

[iCantStopppEating]

My child is in year 5 currently and I’m thinking of taking her out of her all through school which is rare as everyone stays. I have my reasons but don’t want to go into them. The thing is she has made friends last year with a lovely girl and they’re very close so her best friend basically. I don’t know whether to mention to the girls mum or just wait till we have decided.

One option is a grammar school which is very unlikely she will get in as it’s very competitive so it’s no point even saying we trying but we will get her to do the test but as I said very unlikely. The other option is the local secondary school near us which we are in the catchment area for.

I don’t know what to do. She’s currently in a private school and we intended to stay till at least GCSE’s but for reasons I rather not get into it looks unlikely we can.

am I overthinking? Shall I just see what happens. We have a whole year at least to make a decision. But I can’t help feeling I’m maybe being a little “sneaky” If that’s the correct word by not telling the mum of my DD’s best friend. I’m just feeling sad for her as they are close but on the other hand if I do tell them we might be leaving she might encourage her DD to invest in other friendships. So sorry if I’m sounding like I’m overthinking it’s just taken a while for my daughter to find her little group of friends along with this best friend. It used to break my heart that she would talk about class parties she’s not been invited to and play dates she’s not been invited to. I feel she’s finally fitting in. But truthfully we can’t afford the secondary school fees it’s too much of a jump especially now with added VAT. I know people hate private schools but could someone please advise me the same if I had not mentioned the private aspect.

Are you friends with the mum? That would be a factor. There is loads of sneakiness about school choices. DS’ best friend at primary left school with no notice and told my DS at football. Maybe keep it quiet a bit longer if you’re not sure

Your decisions for your child's education have absolutely nothing to do with another parent. And even more so as this is a financial issue. You have no duty to inform her of anything.

And FWIW, at 9/10 years old, your daughter is likely to have many 'best friends' ahead of her. This is prime fickle age.

Thank you so much for your reply. Truthfully I don’t know! I say hi to her etc. but I do feel a little awkward around her so I wouldn’t say we’re best mates. We just don’t have much in common just mothers if 2 girls in same class.

The private school thing is irrelevant so I wouldn't pay any notice if anyone remarks on that.

And to answer your question, no, you don't owe your DD's friend's mother the 'heads up' that your DD is changing schools. In all honesty it is a) none of her business what you decide to do so you owe no warning or explanation to her and b) if you was to tell the mother, DD's friend may well distance herself prematurely from your DD, which would be hurtful for your DD and may hinder the possibility of them continuing a friendship after she leaves.

Are you concerned what the mother may do/say/think about you?

Totally. We only told DS’s school friends’ parents we’d decided to leave the country quite close to the time, just before DH moved ahead of us (both DS and I needed to finish academic terms).

And obviously there’s no reason why the girls can’t still be friends while attending different schools.

Thank you. So you don’t think I’m being mean or nasty? Maybe if I told her they could try out the grammar school together or even consider the local secondary which I think they might be in catchment for too. I just feel Really torn

Thank you. Yes I think I am concerned what she might think of me not telling her.

Just do what’s right for you. IME most kids who move don’t tell people til quite near to the time. Also your own child probably won’t benefit from that much notice so for that reason alone I’d keep quiet.

No of course you're not. You don't have to factor another child into your own child's secondary education. If the friendship is meant to last, it will do, regardless of which school the girls end up in. If the other girl's mum wanted to send her kid to the grammar, she would already be considering it. I don't imagine she is making her choices based on your daughter (or if she is, that is not very wise).
You do you OP. Make the best choice for your own child, within your means. It's a hard time right now and a lot of parents will be in your position.

You seem to be overly concerned about what another mum thinks about your choices. Regardless of what type of school it is I can’t imagine any mum getting this worked up about giving another mum a heads up. Friendships can continue outside of school

Is this really about the friendships or are you more concerned about what the mum and others will think about you taking your DD out of the school?

It's not mean at all. Just wait until it is absolutely certain what you're doing and places accepted.

Things change alot anyway as they get into the next year or 2 friends wise.

i really wouldn’t worry then. Also you probably don’t want this to become a big issue for your DC so I would leave it for now

What! You would tell another mum what her daughter should do for her education? That is absolutely nothing to do with you and is beyond cheeky

Thank you so much everyone. I hope this isn’t considered drip feeding - basically the school starts from year 3 and almost everyone who joins at year 3 stays till the end. It’s a tough school to get into and that’s what’s making me overthink as the friend of my child (plus rest of her friendship group) won’t have any clue we’re thinking of leaving as people don’t. I haven’t even told my own DD yet!

I'm struggling to work out why you're struggling about this. The move is very far away, and as someone else pointed out, best friends change all the time at this age. It would be madness for the other parent to move her DD in order to stay with yours. Starting a new school and meeting loads of new people is prime friendship adjusting time. If they don't remain friends, the parent will blame you!

I have no intention of telling her! I meant if I was to give her a heads up we’re thinking of doing this she has the chance to consider rather than telling her when it’s too late after the tests and applications have been made. The girls are very close they do everything together and spend almost every weekend at each other’s homes. It’s a drop off and pick up so I don’t really get to chat to the mum just exchanging pleasantries. That’s why I’m torn as if we were close ourselves Ofcourse I would tell her, I don’t care what she does herself it’s just I feel I might be seen to be sneakily planning something.

To register for the grammar school the deadline is only 5 months away. After 5 months no one can register. That’s why I’m thinking I might just mention it.

In the nicest possible way, you're being vey odd.

First of all you need to decide what is best for your DD (given the circumstances)

Then get DD on board (she's unlikely to be happy about thus news) & do whatever you can to smooth the path for her.

Let her tell her friends.

You're not friends with her friends Mum, you don't need to tell her anything. You're not being sneaky, they're not family friends.

IME (as a mum who had kids at an all through school) nobody says anything at all to anyone until the place is gained and accepted and it’s a done deal. There is absolutely no reason to tell anyone and quite a few ways you could end up regretting it.

Sorry I’m rambling so maybe not making sense - to be blunt I personally don’t care if the girls are in the same school as I think a new start might be good. MY concern is the mother might feel I sprung it in her DD but not telling early. Now that I’m writing this down I can see how strange that sounds! But I think I’m worried about upsetting the little girl if my DD was to move out.

i think my own dd will be fine as she’s still in touch with old school friends so won’t be a big deal for her.

If her friends wanted their DD to 'try out for' the grammar they wouldn't be holding back because of your DD. Sorry but the girls are new school friends, not life long family friends.

Thank you. That makes sense! It’s not like she’s waiting to register her till I say I am. I need to stop overthinking this. So I won’t say anything unless she brings up the topic - does that seem reasonable?

Thank you. Yes I can see your point.

OP, have you lived in the same place your whole life and are still surrounded by old school friends? This is reminding me of when we’d lived in a village for a few years and I was walking out of school in about Year 2 with one of the dads, with our two boys running ahead, and he said ‘Aw, look. Next they’ll be one another’s best men’, and I was totally gobsmacked because it had simply never occurred to me that anyone would expect to stay in one place. I knew we’d move on whenever an opportunity arose. I was still taken aback at how surprised people were when we left.