How to support bereaved friend - practical advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Hello my friend has had a very traumatic bereavement. I want to support her. I have read lots on here about not asking what to do, just doing it but I need some help in exactly HOW to do this. I know about dropping food off and will do that, likewise continuing to text each day etc. I can't do something like turn up and do the laundry without asking or send her off for a bath. She is in a neurodiverse house so things would stress her out more, likewise her children are ND so I can't just say I'll sit with them as they aren't comfortable with anyone beyond their parents.
What are things I can do practically that are respectful of boundaries but useful. So far I have food deliveries, regular messaging, I'll do regular cards and notes to keep contact. They don't have a garden so garden jobs are not an area I could help. Any insights? I'd really like to do this properly . Thank you in advance

You sound a very kind friend. Personally I would find daily texts plus notes and cards a bit much and I'd feel like I had to respond and it would stress me out. Especially if I had kids to look after too. Maybe just check in every few days. But she might want that close support, and we're all different. Play it by ear based on her responses.

I lost my DF suddenly though and accident at work. My life saver was a friend I called every single day at 9.15am after school run who listened, supported and made me laugh.

I didn't need the practical stuff you mention.as that was a distraction. I needed someone to listen to me, validate my feelings that day and also to take the piss and be normal

Just be there as a friend.

Yup will do. The cards and notes I just mean when it's appropriate etc. I more want non intrusive practical support ideas. I'm good at not being too much, I'll definitely respond to her cues so as not to overwhelm etc

A care package with clean socks and payjsmas and underwear and food. Washing etc can fall behind when you are struggling. Maybe offer to pick up and do washing for them, organise a food shop etc.

Useful insight, thank you.

Good idea. I'd have to do this unbidden , she would struggle to delegate jobs to me, which is why I need sort of self contained but helpful ones

Was it her partner/father of the children that died or someone else? If someone else, does she have a partner to support her?
I too would think daily texts are a bit much, but you know your friend more than us, and it might be appreciated.

Could you deliver fish/chips around 1 night- but let her know earlier in the day so she isn't cooking?
Suggest taking your friend for a walk/through the park/seaside etc?

She does have her partner , but there is a bit of a story there

She likes a daily text so that won't overwhelm. Like the idea of a takeaway delivery.

I would try to visit regularly. It's nice for the company especially when the kids are in bed. Or offer to babysit while she's in the house so she can do other bits or have a bath and the kids know she's still nearby? Or offer to meet her out and about/ lifts to and from appointments or the school run. You could give her a wee voucher to get her hair done by an at home hairdresser if she can't get out to get it done, or a mobile beauty therapist if that's within budget.

Not bereaved but suddenly separated under difficult circumstances and one of the things I missed was having someone to celebrate ds achievements with - like the silly little things that I know I'm more invested in than others might be. So paying attention to those things and being a listening ear is great.

Maybe quick and easy self care things like sheet face masks etc. Watching along a series on Netflix she's following so you can talk about it together. Meeting up at weekends with the kids is nice as sometimes weekends can feel very long.

I think the most important thing is probably consistency. At the start people offer support and that gradually fades away but the hurt and loneliness takes much longer to go. So I definitely really appreciate the friends who continued to support me and check in well past when others had stopped. Some people like having someone stay over the odd time if it's hard at night when it's quiet but that's very personal and it would depend on what she wants. I wouldn't have wanted that as I knew I needed to lean into my feelings to get through them.

If they are neurodiverse you need to check that if you are dropping off food they are foods that the family will be able to eat. For many autistic people some foods are not safe.

Be careful of overwhelm as well, your intentions are admirable but sometimes the autistic people in our household just want to be left alone for a bit.

I would ask if there is anything you can do and say you are there and if they say no I would leave it.

You're a lovely person.

Longevity and consistency seem key here.
Can't babysit as she has ND kids who can't cope with that. Can definitely do most of the rest. Thank you!

I would suggest listing specific things you can offer, and specific times you're available. Obviously only suggest things you're happy to do!

So eg
Cleaning
Laundry (at their place or collect and drop off)
Ironing
Errands - taking things to be mended, to post office, collecting groceries.
Childcare
Taking her out for a coffee
Coming round to keep her company/ help with any tasks she might have to do.
Dropping off nice snack food (deli stuff not just cake/biscuits) or nice coffee or whatever. Nice soap or shower gel or bath stuff/moisturiser. So she doesn't even need to think about doing "self-care" but it just fits into what she's doing anyway.

I found "let me know how I can help" to be too big a set of decisions. People who said " do you need me to look after the baby any time on Thursday" or "I'm getting a Sainsburys delivery, can I order anything for you that I can bring over on Wednesday evening?" were super helpful.

Another way you could help if you know her well is to coordinate offers of help!

And keep her in mind for social events in due course. People seem to rally around bereaved men and not so much around bereaved women.

Great advice here. Luckily I know their food choices so I can drop stuff off and I can vary that to fit (ie milk bread etc/ fish and chips/easy snacks )

Grat suggestions but all the in house ones like laundry cleaning, babysitting won't work due to the ND aspect.
Toiletries drop off is a good idea

You sound like a great friend. If you can also do stuff in a few months time when the immediate shock has worn off, that will be helpful too. Doesn’t have to be bringing food or anything but just check ins to let her know you’re there for her. I think once the funeral is over, a lot of support drops off and that’s sometimes when it is needed most.

I’m second everyone saying just be there to listen, validate, chat, laugh and be normal.

I’ve just lost my father and a few weeks in, I’m really appreciative of the friends that are doing this still.

Daily check ins for certain. Send little things you see online that will make her smile. I recently lost my mum traumatically and my BF has cooked for me, taken me out for coffee, taken me clothes shopping etc, trying to ensure I didn't feel the gap in my life too intensely. She was a huge help with the funeral, printing photos for me and organising things for the wake.

You know your friend and what will work for her. Just being around will be the best thing.

You sound so lovely, your friend is lucky to have you.

I lost my twin babies at birth and in the neonatal unit last year and the people who stood out to me , were those who just checked in every few days. Didn't expect replies or anything but were just there. You sound like a great friend by the way.

Oh and any practical things that she made need a shoulder for... registering, funeral director, bank accounts etc. Just let her know you can support her if she needs you. It can be overwhelming.

A couple of things I appreciated when I had a traumatic bereavement:

• friends who called (not texted) pretty regularly, ranging from every day if your friend is very close, to once a week or two weeks. Talking was so important for me; texts didn't help me or comfort me.
• letting me cry, not shutting my emotions down
• offers of coffee or a walk, and a willingness to talk and listen

I personally didn't need food deliveries but occasionally popping over with a home-made something sounds great to me (a friend did this at another period of high stress and I really appreciated it. Specifically, they brought fresh cooked food round, rang door bell, said hello and left without coming in i.e. I did not need to do anything in return). Feeling that you are being looked after by someone is very comforting.

Understanding that your friend might not be fully appreciative and still being there for her. Everything goes a bit weird after tragedy: you lose your sense of time, you get lost in yourself. I forgot things and neglected friends (and lost some as a result - but I really didn't mean to). Maybe helping your friend stay socially connected would be good (i.e. keep inviting her to things and make sure others do too - and keep doing it even if she says no now).

On the other hand, another friend who had a traumatic bereavement didn't want to talk AT ALL but wanted distraction so as not to think about it - so for them it was important to have social occasions set up to keep them busy.

I wonder about offering to read to her kids (if they are young). It's a nice way to be connected and give her a break.

The key is trying to work out what is right for her specifically. As an example @Mandarinaduck appreciated calls not texts. I was the exact opposite, I couldn't cope with calls but really appreciated texts that I could reply to when I had the emotional energy. I'd also have hated people popping over with food or trying to wash my clothes for me, but know that others would have found that helpful.
One thing I think helped when I was supporting a friend recently was regular messages but also with regular reminders that I wasn't expecting a response and just wanted her to know I was there.

Is it a parent who has died? The reason I ask is she may value help sorting out/cleaning their property? When my mother died, a friend volunteered her husband (he drives, neither of us do) to pick up binbags of stuff to take to the charity shop/tip. In the end, there was so much that I hired a truck, but I really appreciated the offer.

It was also hard finding a funeral home. Is that something she'd appreciate help with, or company?

When my DS was critically ill, several friends gave deliveroo vouchers, which were very welcome.

Be ready to listen, a text is lovely but a call is better, make it clear that you can talk anytime she needs to. At the moment she is probably numb, it’s after the funeral that it gets hard, everyone just moves on, and you suddenly realise it’s real someone you love is really gone, be ready for tears / anger / mood swings.

you mention she has children, so Christmas this year will be hard, not just the day but the practical side of it. For instance tesco release their delivery slots tomorrow, make sure she has that sort of thing covered offer to do it for her.

when I lost my mum, someone dropped round some nice tea and biscuits for me and a video (yes it was some time ago) and sweets for the children. They just left it on the door step. That hour was the best thing I really needed just me time.

Be there to listen if and when she wants to talk. And tell her she can ring anytime if she needs to (if you are OK with that).

I didn't like calls but appreciated texts. Didn't want people to interfere and offer food or cleaning. I wanted my friends to be there and laugh with me, chat with me, be normal with me. So lunches, dinners, concerts, plays, walks... whatever. That has really mattered. I can grieve in private but I'm not a leper... and I need to be part of the world I live in. But as we know - everyone is different.