Ever get over cheating?

[Ariel896]

DH cheated when we had been together two years (weren’t married at this point, this was 10 years ago) said I would forgive him. We went on to have two DC (7 and 2) he is now planning on working abroad as in 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. The cheating will rear its head every now and then as it makes me feel like he is looking at other women etc.
Uncomfortable with him working abroad because trust isn’t completely there. He’s adamant to go ahead with this even though I’m not on board with it. AIBU. Certain I probably am but don’t know how to overcome it

You are not being unreasonable. What support do you have around you? Who can you discuss this with that you trust and won't let it get back to him?

If he was understanding, supportive and discussed your worries then that would be a start.

I think after 10 years and 2 children, if you said you’d forgive him and actively moved on with building a life & family together you can’t continue to throw it at him now. Have you had therapy to deal with this?

Thank you so much for replying. My parents know about the original cheating but don’t know it’s still hugely upsets me. I feel embarrassed speaking to any of my close friends or family because they assume I'm over it

He’s suggested therapy. I think it destroyed my confidence and I’ve never got it back. I agree I shouldn’t keep throwing it in his face

This is exactly the problem! He’s dead set on working away regardless of how upset I’ve been about it. He doesn’t even entertain how I feel

Honestly at this stage you have to make a choice. You either find a way to put it behind you once and for all, or you need to walk away. I HATE cheating, have a total zero tolerance policy for it in my own relationship, but you made the decision to stay, get married and have 2 children after you knew about it, you told him you forgave him, it’s not healthy or right to still be holding this mistake over his head a decade later.

Yep, not good.

I completely agree with you. I just don’t know how to move on. I hate myself for this

Don't hate yourself. Nothing wrong with being heartbroken and angry. Took me five years of being in shock, another two to get through and feel like I might be okay. Divorced now. Happy.

i appreciate your reply. Is it better to end it? Is this just too long now? He’s requested I get a ion job a few times too 🙄

There’s no shame in accepting that it’s something you just can’t get over and that it’s best to walk away. You’ve let this rule a decade of your lives already, if you can’t put it behind you then the only thing you can do is put the whole relationship behind you and move on.

I feel like you’re right. I suppose I thought it would get easier over time but it hasn’t. I feel stupid and naive

I don’t think it’s stupid or naive honestly, I think you wanted the relationship to work enough that you thought you could move past it. Some people do, some people have one bad moment and then go on to live long, happy and healthy lives together, but that’s not the case for everybody.

Take some time to think about what it is you want for your future and how you can get there.

He made a mistake, but you can’t spend the next 10 years of his life holding that over his head in punishment. You’ve both made choices that led you to this point, so if you’re not happy with the choices you’ve made then you have the power now to make different ones and that is okay.

That was a really lovely and level headed reply. I think I’m probably staying now because of the children rather than him. He doesn’t deserve to have it held over him forever. Disappointed it hasn’t got easier.

I divorced him for something unrelated to the affair. No one can tell you what you should do. I wish I'd been able to leave when he did cheat though. I'd get yourself a therapist and have them help you work through it all. I'd be telling him to stop dictating to you as he's bloody lucky he's still with you.

Do you mind asking what it was over and do you have children?

Why hate yourself? Give yourself permission to feel how you feel

But I agree with PP, you need to either (a) make your peace with this OR (b) decide that you will never forgive and forget, and act on that. Personally, I'd go for ootion (b). Being faithful is a deal breaker for me and perhaps it is for you too

Don't think you're "not good enough". It's not about that. It's about a nan behaving badly and that's on him, not you

I know. And I agree. I suppose I was wondering if there was a way I could get over it.
I think I naively thought I would eventually but never have

Why say that though? The ship has sailed

What was the nature of the cheating - a split second drunken mistake or an affair that involved a lot of secrecy and lies? One is more forgiveable than the other imho

He was working abroad in his old job and slept with a flight attendant numerous times. I only found out because he was acting off so I looked at his laptop and found videos, pictures, many messages etc. they were planning their future together. I left him but he promised to fix us. The usual. I expected over time to get better but I still haven’t and I bury it as much as possible.

I can't answer that and yes we do.