Ever get over cheating?

[Ariel896]

DH cheated when we had been together two years (weren’t married at this point, this was 10 years ago) said I would forgive him. We went on to have two DC (7 and 2) he is now planning on working abroad as in 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. The cheating will rear its head every now and then as it makes me feel like he is looking at other women etc.
Uncomfortable with him working abroad because trust isn’t completely there. He’s adamant to go ahead with this even though I’m not on board with it. AIBU. Certain I probably am but don’t know how to overcome it

Honestly if he’s going to cheat again then he’s going to cheat again whether he works abroad etc or not. You can’t stop it. It’s completely understandable that you can’t fully trust him when you know he’s capable of it. You can either cut loose now or just wait it out and make sure you are ready when/if it happens.

Ouch that's a lot of deceit, I can see why it's hard to trust him and why him going away is triggering.

Thank you that’s why I feel so shit

No I don't think you ever get over someone cheating on you. There is always a niggle of doubt in your mind-no matter how long ago it was. You question you judgement, your choices, you behaviour, play what if in your head- ti does not disappear.
How you manage it is so individual and difficult to make sweeping suggestions

I don't think I would ever been able to trust him after that OP. That is a major betrayal.
Totally understandable why you are so unhappy about him working abroad again. Surely he must realise why you are so set against it. For him to be so adamant he is going to do it seems really tone deaf and lacking in understanding of your very natural reaction.

I feel exactly this. He doesn’t get it and it just says the children will have a better life (job is more money)
but I feel I’m sacrificing my own mental health. I know kids always come first though

Omg, was open minded ish until I saw the OG cheating was in this same situation. Absolutely bloody not. Why doesn’t he get it? Why does he even want to be away for such long periods of time when you have a 2 year old? Sounds weird to me

With my first H I was able to forgive the cheating, but there were other things that I couldn't forgive.
My DH and I are on the same page regarding infidelity, so if it ever happened he would understand my response: Ickes changed, possessions in boxes on the lawn.

I don’t think you ever truly get over someone cheating on you, deep down you always have the thought that if they done it once, they have the capacity to do it again.

But I also believe that if you stay with that person, you’ve made the decision to put your trust in that person again. It shouldn’t be where you cannot trust them - the relationship will never move on from it.

I honestly believe if someone cheats that should be it for the relationship. There’s no thing as a ‘mistake’, it was a conscious decision for them to make. And the victim shouldn’t have to be subjected to lifelong pain of worrying about it for the rest of their lives. Just leave

More money 😫

I would’ve thought putting your mind at ease bearing in mind he’s cheated in this situation before and also being present while his 2 year old grows up is more important…do you need the money? How is your relationship beyond this? This would be a hard no for me ngl

I agree. And I wish I could get over it. Just don’t know how

You don't have to get over him being in the same situation. He is in a party of 1, no doubt, saying you should get over it enough to let him go. Well absolutely not, he's just claiming that because it suits him.
Tbh, it would still be a no from me and it would be the end, if any man thought they could swan off abroad to work leaving me to single parent 2 DC's. You had a great reason there without needing to mention the cheating. Lol at get a job too while you single handedly look after them. I suspect his increased earnings would have to go on childcare in that case as he'd have to fork out for his DC's to be looked after while not around. All the benefit would be lost on paying for a nanny/au pair. I would not be aiming to do any more homework/ childcare than him if working too ( ie.very little).

So he was working away and he and OW were planning their future, so it was a full PA/EA. You saw the messages, pictures and videos. What a brutal betrayal.

@Ariel896, you are not being unreasonable for feeling unsettled about this news or inadequate for being unable to forgive and trust. Infidelity is shattering and can cause PTSD. Swallowing such distress is massively corrosive.

Questions:
*After discovery, what support did you have to express your heartbreak, grieve, and recover from your injuries?

*What work did H do to ‘fix things’ … to make himself a safe, trustworthy partner and to help you heal?
Did he:
(1) end the affair immediately and cut contact with OW in front of you?
(2) examine his character flaws that enabled his cheating by accessing IC or plugging into websites/readings?
(3) show patience and compassion whenever you expressed your tears, anger and asked questions?
(4) provide transparency with all devices and statements?
(5) tighten his boundaries with other women?

@Ariel896, if he had been truly remorseful and empathetic to your suffering back then and beyond, he certainly would be sensitive and caring about your current unsettled feelings. He is returning to the same lifestyle he had when he previously cheated, and is telling you to suck it up. That is callous and contemptuous.

Many betrayed partners find years later that the damage is too great and wounds too deep to recover from — that trust and peace of mind cannot be restored. This is entirely valid and understandable, and would be a legitimate reason to end things now. In your shoes, I absolutely could not contort myself to be okay with his working away and stay married. If you force yourself to do this, the damage to your emotional health could be catastrophic. [As an aside, I would never have attempted to forgive my H for so heinously abusing me by investing in and planning a future with another woman while I was at home missing and trusting him.]

I would consider seeking IC, not to steel yourself to withstand his working away, but rather to strengthen your self-esteem and formulate an exit plan.

So, instead of beating yourself up for being naive and "not good enough", I suggest you reframe this as positive. Its taken time to prioritise your own interests, but you have integrity to be yourself, not trying to be something else. You now realise that you don't want to be with someone who doesn't think he's the luckiest man alive to be with you. You deserve to be treated better

this is a massive part of it which I should have led with. He didn’t even consider leaving me with the kids. Just thought I’d be happy because he would be earning more

I really really appreciate you taking the time to post.
he admitted recently he didn’t do a lot in the past to reassure me or make me feel better or secure in anyway. He just buried and tried to move on.
Hence probably why it has continuously reared its head.

I actually mentioned to him when he told me how I think this would destroy my mental health. He just doesn’t get it and says he’s doing it to give the family a better life.

There's a difference to me between deciding to forgive the initial cheating and move past it, which it sounds like you have tried hard to do, and him taking the absolute piss by putting you and himself in the exact same situation as when the first cheating occurred. If he doesn't understand why that would make you uncomfortable and not be okay then I'd say he's the one who needs to go to therapy tbh

Having read through your thread… Don’t feel like this is your fault. I have been through this also, many years ago. My DH cheated and we put it aside. I also betrayed his trust in what I can only describe as retaliation years later, I’m ashamed of that and DH tells me he is but we have moved on and we are now happy. That is my story. You can work through these things if you want to.
You commented on a post in August which suggests that you are currently making similar betrayals. You mentioned that you are in the same position as someone doing something with another man/woman. If this is tainting your vision on your DH you need to decide what you want and figure that out first and think how DH will take it. You know because you went through it.
You also said on a post about how understanding DH has been about you being touched out. It sounds like there are moments of kindness and assurance. You have both created a family and this is after all the problems. Don't forget the good times, there must have been plenty of you have 2 DC now.

You’re not AIBU but it’s not a simple answer IMO and it looks like there is much more to the story. Try to talk it out.

I hope you get the help you came looking for.