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Original poster

Disagreeing on holidays

43 replies

Paigethepug · 04/11/2024 19:29

Have read a few similar posts on here and it's got me re-evaluating my situation with my fiance. We own a house together and I pay more in monthly bills proportional to our salaries however I have a few more monthly bills that he doesn't so I'd say he's left with bit more disposable income to spend on whatever or save. We earn about £120k combined and say I earn roughly £10k a year more. I also get bonuses of about £5-10k a year which he does not.

Now the huge issue is that I love a holiday and always want to have one booked to look forward to but he isn't as bothered and likes to spend money on a project car. He always complains we have no money so we rarely go out for dinner and we have had 2 city breaks together in 5 years, both this year so we didn't have a holiday together in over 4 years before that. I often pay for nights away in UK just so we can do something nice. He also has an issue with me going on holiday with family and friends so last time I basically had to lie and say my parents were treating me, even though it's my own money. I have even offered to take him on holiday but he said no and complained because he would need spending money. I know that holidays probably shouldn't be relationship ending but I dont know how to compromise here?

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 04/11/2024 19:32

He sounds miserable and things will only get worse. It doesn’t sound as if f you have much fun together. Are you sure you want to build a life with this man?

pictoosh · 04/11/2024 19:36

I think he's being a shit about this...doesn't want to go on holiday, fine, but doesn't want you to go either...not fine.

Does he often assume his preferences should impact on your choices?

cheddercherry · 04/11/2024 19:37

I don’t know why you’d need to compromise on taking yourself on holiday with your own money with your family. it’s a totally reasonable thing to do, the fact he’s making such a fuss is the abnormal thing.

If he wants to sulk at home that’s his issue, you’ve offered to take him so what more does he want. The fact he’s dictating both what you can/ can’t spend on (whilst he is free to spend more each month on his hobby car) is a much bigger issue than him simply not liking holidays.

I like travel, and eating out and enjoying nights away and I also like them with my child, so yes if my husband effectively banned me from going abroad without him then it would be a dealbreaker for me. What does your future look like? Nights in watching him work on his car from a rainy window? I’m not limiting my life when I’m financially independent for no good reason, certainly not for a partner who simply doesn’t want me to because he says so.

Georgyporky · 04/11/2024 19:38

Rocknrollstar · 04/11/2024 19:32

He sounds miserable and things will only get worse. It doesn’t sound as if f you have much fun together. Are you sure you want to build a life with this man?

I agree. IMO, there's more than just holidays involved.

You really should not need to lie to this man, nor compromise.

username7891 · 04/11/2024 19:40

Your life sounds pretty miserable. Go on holiday with family and friends.

Original poster
Paigethepug · 04/11/2024 19:44

Yeah I obviously knew it was wrong when I felt I had to lie about paying as I just wanted an easy life. I don't know if he intentionally acting this way but he is quite frugal and I feel I have to justify going out of on holidays. When I'm away he will then make digs like "wouldn't it be so much better if I was there" even though he has the option to come!! I just don't think we should be in a position of not having a decent holiday each year when we earn £120k between us and have no kids. I go out with friends pretty often but there's always an eye roll of out again and saying we need a quiet month. It's driving me mad.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 04/11/2024 19:46

If travel is important to you, don’t settle. You only have one life.

Rhaidimiddim · 04/11/2024 19:46

You want to use your money to take holidays. He doesn't like doing holidays and won't invest in them financially. And he objects to you spending your own money on holidays with other people. How is that going to work going forward? You (and any kids) will never have a happy holiday with him.

The Big Red Flag for me is you having to lie about spending your own money on something that matters to you - a holiday to look forward to. He has got you that cowed on this subject? And on the back foot, if he ever finds out you lied.)

Purplewarrior · 04/11/2024 19:49

PeloMom · 04/11/2024 19:46

If travel is important to you, don’t settle. You only have one life.

Totally agree with this.

Why does he object to you going on holiday with friends and family? It’s your money so your choice.

Maybe you just aren’t compatible?

StormingNorman · 04/11/2024 19:51

This isn’t just about holidays. It’s about what you want out of life. In 10 years time, will you look back and regret all the holidays you’ve missed or never having a holiday with your partner?

Rhaidimiddim · 04/11/2024 19:52

I just read your update.

So, another man who thinks that he has the right to tell his woman not to spend her own money on things he doesn't value. And then tries to give her a guilt trip when she goes on holiday cos he thinks it a waste of money.

This is not a trivial issue - he has an attitude problem.

Mirrorxxx · 04/11/2024 19:53

What does he spent money on if he can’t afford a holiday? We earn similar and have a rather expensive dog 😂, and can easily afford 15k a year on holidays

lawyer12 · 04/11/2024 19:57

Hey Paige

So my ex and the previous (uni boyfriend) both didn't really like travelling. My more recent ex came with me to Barcelona and then southern Spain and was a NIGHTMARE to travel with, despite being 36 to my 25. He was difficult, childish and didn't want to be there. I'm more an authentic local restaurant/market type taste (while also liking a glass of fizz!) and he would be happy in a burger chain.

We broke up for multiple reasons (abuse, cheating, an endless list!) but my now fiancé and I are best friends in all aspects and I wish that for you.

When we go on U.K. breaks (city, spa, walking weekends) or abroad, we laugh and giggle the whole time. We both also love having the next break booked in and trying new places, restaurants etc together We can be sat in a hot tub or doing wine tasting or wandering streets at a Christmas Market and we BOTH enjoy it. I want to be old and wrinkly doing all these things with him still. Your fiancé sounds like my ex - they are happy doing what they're doing and maybe you're just not compatible? What he likes isn't wrong and what you like isn't - but it is a big enough difference in what you like to be an issue in my opinion.... because it also feeds into him having an opinion on how you spend YOUR money?! (My fiancé is an accountant and we earn the same, joint income of £140K and we spend any bonuses one of us gets on holidays that we share!)

I say this with love to both of you - one of you will compromise (likely YOU!) and stop doing what you enjoy and life is too short. I think you need to find someone you have more in common with given how important travel is to you - I don't want you 20 years from now regretting not seeing the world for someone else....

loobylou10 · 04/11/2024 19:58

God he sounds awful. Don't marry him

cheddercherry · 04/11/2024 20:01

Yeah the update is worse, making you feel bad for going out with friends and you feeling you have to lie to “have an easy life” is fast on the way to a bunting of red flags…

TwistedWonder · 04/11/2024 20:04

I know that holidays probably shouldn't be relationship ending

It would be a deal breaker for me. Holidays are a huge priority for me so I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t feel the same

Doggymummar · 04/11/2024 20:04

My partner doesn't like holidays, I go by myself, it's no biggie

Original poster
Paigethepug · 04/11/2024 20:15

lawyer12 · 04/11/2024 19:57

Hey Paige

So my ex and the previous (uni boyfriend) both didn't really like travelling. My more recent ex came with me to Barcelona and then southern Spain and was a NIGHTMARE to travel with, despite being 36 to my 25. He was difficult, childish and didn't want to be there. I'm more an authentic local restaurant/market type taste (while also liking a glass of fizz!) and he would be happy in a burger chain.

We broke up for multiple reasons (abuse, cheating, an endless list!) but my now fiancé and I are best friends in all aspects and I wish that for you.

When we go on U.K. breaks (city, spa, walking weekends) or abroad, we laugh and giggle the whole time. We both also love having the next break booked in and trying new places, restaurants etc together We can be sat in a hot tub or doing wine tasting or wandering streets at a Christmas Market and we BOTH enjoy it. I want to be old and wrinkly doing all these things with him still. Your fiancé sounds like my ex - they are happy doing what they're doing and maybe you're just not compatible? What he likes isn't wrong and what you like isn't - but it is a big enough difference in what you like to be an issue in my opinion.... because it also feeds into him having an opinion on how you spend YOUR money?! (My fiancé is an accountant and we earn the same, joint income of £140K and we spend any bonuses one of us gets on holidays that we share!)

I say this with love to both of you - one of you will compromise (likely YOU!) and stop doing what you enjoy and life is too short. I think you need to find someone you have more in common with given how important travel is to you - I don't want you 20 years from now regretting not seeing the world for someone else....

I'm very jealous but in a good way as that's what I wish I had.. I'm happy to go with others or even alone just to travel but it would be so nice to have someone to share it with and get excited about it! We had a few big holidays in the beginning of our relationship but I look back now and think he just went on them because he knew it was important to me but now we are "settled" it's like that doesn't matter. But also if he let me just go away with others and not complain about it then we probably wouldn't have a big issue.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/11/2024 20:36

It's not just about the holidays though.
You have fundamentally different values and different attitudes to money.
This will not work long term. You are incompatible.
Don't underestimate the importance of having similar attitudes to saving and spending in a relationship.
If you try to make it work, you will damage and diminish yourself.

AlertCat · 04/11/2024 20:48

So because HE doesn’t like something, YOU are not supposed to like it either; or at least, you have to put up with not having it? How would he feel if you made this sort of fuss about his hobby cars?

He sounds controlling, to be honest. I’d advise you to end the relationship or you’ll spend your days living the life he wants, rather than your own life.

Zanatdy · 04/11/2024 20:51

Why are you letting him dictate what you spend your money on?

AliMonkey · 04/11/2024 20:54

It would be a deal-breaker for me as it's a symptom of different attitudes. It's perfectly OK not to like all the same things, so maybe you'd take it in turns to chose the holiday or compromise a little each time, but if you can afford them then holidays are important and you don't want a lifetime of resenting each other for this.

BellissimoGecko · 04/11/2024 21:01

How much does his 'project car' cost??

You are incompatible. He is mean and mean-spirited. I'd consider splitting up.

sunshineday20 · 04/11/2024 21:10

I feel bad for you OP. Life is too short to be missing out on the things you want to do, especially holidays with family and friends. If you have the opportunity and the mean to travel you should be able to.

Your DP sounds like he is dulling your sparkle to be honest.

TwistedWonder · 04/11/2024 21:12

So he thinks it’s ok to splash the cash on his car but whinges if you want spend any money on things you enjoy?

He's a selfish right arse