Disagreeing on holidays

[Paigethepug]

Have read a few similar posts on here and it's got me re-evaluating my situation with my fiance. We own a house together and I pay more in monthly bills proportional to our salaries however I have a few more monthly bills that he doesn't so I'd say he's left with bit more disposable income to spend on whatever or save. We earn about £120k combined and say I earn roughly £10k a year more. I also get bonuses of about £5-10k a year which he does not.

Now the huge issue is that I love a holiday and always want to have one booked to look forward to but he isn't as bothered and likes to spend money on a project car. He always complains we have no money so we rarely go out for dinner and we have had 2 city breaks together in 5 years, both this year so we didn't have a holiday together in over 4 years before that. I often pay for nights away in UK just so we can do something nice. He also has an issue with me going on holiday with family and friends so last time I basically had to lie and say my parents were treating me, even though it's my own money. I have even offered to take him on holiday but he said no and complained because he would need spending money. I know that holidays probably shouldn't be relationship ending but I dont know how to compromise here?

I have no idea as I don't monitor it but he's always complaining he has no money. Yeah I think the fact he comments on how I spend my money is the bigger issue and is definitely holding me back. Keep thinking about all the trips I would love to book but feeling like I'm not able to.

I had an ex similar. I never noticed it at first but one day I actually thought my life wasn't my own anymore and I couldn't stand it. Constant eye rolling and silent treatment if I went out with friends. Holidays with friends and family would have been a no no for me back then too.

Anyway one day my favourite band were finally touring and I was so excited. But he didn't want me to go, said we should be saving and I was so disappointed. Suddenly I realised it would always be that way, there would always be a reason why I couldn't do something or go somewhere. I'd never get to do the things I enjoy and always miss out as long as I was with him. It was just a way to control what I did, it was his life and I was just there for the ride.

Your DP sounds quite controlling OP, he might not say directly you can't go somewhere but you obviously feel like you can't. It's not normal to not be able to go on holiday with family and friends just because your DP won't like it. Does he control other aspects of your relationship?

It might be an incompatibility if someone in a couple can't recognise what makes the other person happy and let them do that.

I share finances with my husband and fundamentally we agree on most lifestyle choices. Where we do have to compromise is that he would prefer to spend more on holidays/ trips and I would prefer to spend more on home improvements. We moved into a house 1 year ago and it needs a bit of work.

I know it makes him happy/ fulfills him and that's important so I just agree to limited trips. We do currently have limited money because we have 2 toddlers but he's planning an overseas trip in a few years time and I said go for it. He also wants to move somewhere far from family and I said not now but, if he still wants to, we can move when the kids move out.

What a grumpy bastard

What do you mean “let you”?

If you're lying to him it's over

Sorry for the delay in replying. But yes I think with reflection I am trying to fit his needs and mine come second. And I know the narrative of "let" me and lying isn't right but I have felt like I haven't had the ability to just go book something and tell him the truth, but also maybe I've worded it wrong and made it sound very controlling. Even if it was only a few hundred quid I felt like there would be a huge argument about it if he knew I'd paid for it for no occasion.

I think the problem is that he has an issue going with anyone else rather than the fact he doesn't wanna go

I think big differences in how you want to spend your money isn't a great sign for a relationship.
Alongside that this is also a big difference in what you guys like to do. Ie you want to have nice holidays and enjoy planning/thinking about them in advance and he seems like more of a homebody interested in his hobbies.
Which can be fine if you're both happy to do those things separately but that's not the case here.
(That being said, the one couple I know where the woman did solo travelling or with friends because he husband preferred to be at home, did eventually get divorced because as she described him, he was a bore and mean so maybe it doesn't really work at all?)
So I would think that you're incompatible; I'd consider questioning the future of your relationship with that in mind.
Travelling/holidays is hugely important to me and even more so to my husband. I couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't want that as well. It's something we both look forward to and get excited about.
We do joke though that there are home people or holiday people. So people who prioritise their house/home life and others who it's important to have a holiday every year booked. (Other than those that can easily afford it all of course!) We often get comments about the holidays we go on, but our house is significantly smaller/less well decorated/needs non essential repairs than most of our friends.

This is awful. At best, you're incompatible. At worst, you're setting yourself up for a relationship in which you will be the victim of long term controlling, and potentially financially abusive behaviour.

Have you asked hwat happens when you DO have kids? what's the plan then/ How will bills be split?

I had issues with holiday disagreements for years. Dp doesn’t like spending money on holidays (although he could) and also visits family in his home country regularly so has few days to use on other trips. I love visiting different places and will spend what it takes within reason to go somewhere I really want to see. He also got jealous if I went away - because he wanted to go too, but for some laughably unrealistic price. After a few years, I just started telling him I would be going on a holiday on my own instead of asking. There was some grumbling initially, but it is totally accepted now. We do a mix of holidays together, me going away and him going back ‘home’ on his own.

So, my advice would be just to arrange your own holidays. There are many companies doing group travel if you want companionship, and one of their core customer demographics is women who have partners uninterested in travel. If he comes round to it, great. If not, I’d be reconsidering the relationship very seriously.

Also, apart from special occasions I do not pay for dp to go away. It’s his choice not to spend the money. I’m not paying for him to enjoy, say, a fortnight in 4-star+ hotels in Malaysia (he wouldn’t do lower so no compromise there) because he thinks it should cost less than £1000.

I have to agree with most.
This isn't specifically about holidays, this is about how you work things through when you both feel differently about something.
Do not marry someone with whom you can't work out your differences.

Holidays - it is a shame there isn't a compromise (like going alternate years), but if he really can't bear to spend a couple of weeks relaxing with you once a year, then you have to ask how much he wants to be with you for the next 50 years.

The fact he doesn't "let you" spend your own money - major concern.
The fact he doesn't "let you" go on holiday with family or friends if he doesn't want to come - another major concern
The fact you pair of you, at this (relatively) early stage in your relationship - not yet married, no kids - don't want to spend your time off together - another major concern.

As a holiday lover his attitude would be a deal breaker for me. My DH and I have had this conversation many times and said one of the great things about our relationship is our mutual love of travel.

Oh OP, you are wasting time with him.
Do not let a house stop you getting away.

You are both lying and adapting your behaviour to avoid an argument and his abuse.

You are absolutely in a controlling abusive relationship and you definitely do not want to have children with him.

He completely misrepresented himself by being happy to go on holiday before you bought a house.

Also he is shit with money.
You are the only adult in this relationship.

Get out while you can.

You have a really high combined income, if you are splitting bills and don’t have children I would have thought there’s lots left over each month. My question would be, where is all his money going, and if he is saving it, is he transparent in how much he has saved when he’s pleading poverty and says he has no money for holidays. Some people are sensible with money, some are just tight! Also, as a previous poster mentioned some people just aren’t that into holidays. That’s ok (I’ve done a lot of travelling when I was younger but really not bothered now and spend a lot of money instead on my home), but if my partner was the opposite then this would be a problem or something we had to negotiate

I think the most important thing about this is that you each want a different kind of lifestyle and you haven't found a way to compromise and live happily together. Try talking to him again about how you might manage your finances in a way that feels comfortable to you both. Be creative.

OP this is the nub of it.

You don't control his money or constantly hark on about project car. Why do you think its okay for him to monitor your spending. Presumably project car is making him happy. Why aren't holidays allowed to be your thing, your project?

Get out because this man doesn't see you as a full person. He sees your needs and wants as less than. He sees you as a support human which must bend to his opinions.

Run

Life's too short for this OP. You love holidays, you've got the money to do it and no kids. You will look back on your life with regret if you aren't careful.