Considering leaving my career for a job.

[Cheepcheepcheep]

Two DC, aged 4 and 2. 4 is due to start school in September 2025.

I currently bring home £3.5k a month, DH £4k (after pensions). At the moment, when you factor in my commute costs plus childcare I’m making about £400 profit - not inconsiderable but a piffling amount for the responsibility of my role.

Nursery is 8am - 6pm and we flex hours - we’re a 45m train from home when in the office, and need to allow 1.5h from nursery to desk and vice versa. So if we both have to be in I do drop off and get to desk 9.30, DH gets to work 8.30am so he can leave 4.30 to do pick up.

We’re barely surviving. No spare cash and never any time for doing anything that isn’t work or childcare.

When DD starts school it’s going to be insane. At best, if we can get her in after school and breakfast club (which I hate the idea of after a long day learning) we’re going to be pelting to get both before pick up/in time for drop off and getting to work. We both theoretically can work from home 2 days a week but it has to be around client demands so I can’t guarantee that we could have 4 days of one of us WFH (so only one day a week is insane). There could easily be 3 days a week where we’re trying to pick up both before 6pm.

Like I say we are already exhausted and when school starts it’s going to be 1000 times harder.

I have a degree and a professional qualification but jobs in my area only exist in major cities. Can’t move further into London (can’t afford it and wouldn’t want to, we have family here). Can’t do my actual job locally. I’d need to go back to secretarial/PA stuff that I did when getting qualified. I’m 10 years qualified now and have worked my way up. Would I BU to chuck in everything I’ve worked for?

I’m good at my job and dedicated but I’m not working at even 60% my best at the moment and I don’t think I’m parenting at 60% either, I’m spread too thin.

At the same time, I’m a feminist, I’m bright and I know I’ll need the pension. And that in 12 years this won’t be a factor (very far away mind!) This feels insane on £110k pre tax take home but I can’t see a solution other than me taking a much lower paid local job.

I hear you. This seems punishing schedule and very stressful. I did a consulting job when DC were little.
We compromised on size of house etc so we could live centrally so I was 30 mins from office and also near major train stations so could get to client site easily. Even then we had wrap around child care (nanny) to pick up, make kids dinner and supervise hw until we got home.
I know you said family are nearby, can they help? I mean otherwise what is the point of being near them? Id move to somewhere that works better for one or the both of you commute wise.
We split it so my (ex)H left early in the morning and then I worked late and he'd get home to relieve nanny. We were lucky in that it meant we could both work long days but there was a parent until around 0830 and from about 1830/1900 just not both necessarily. Could that work? Or can you find a childminder to sort DC1 pickup?
I'd look at getting a nursery nearer your commute, it seems if you've got a 1.5hr door to door to nursery that's just impossible so can you make that more convenient?
Otherwise yes you're looking at one of you getting a career break to accommodate. Does it have to be you? Will you be able to find something? And how will you feel in a few years time after the break....and going back k?

Really appreciate the response.

Reason for living where we do is one very ill parent and the other parent being a carer for them, so no support but only way to maintain a relationship. Sibling lives nearby with a very new baby - scope for some mutual support in the future but certainly not for the next few years. Not sure how nursery nearer the commute would be better - it’s 8am drop off, 8.20 at the station (10m drive, 5m parking, 5m contingency), 8.30 train, arrive London 9.10am, desk for 9.30. So short of taking DCs on a packed commuter train and finding a nursery in the City, I think it’s a non-starter!

Childminder or nanny - would be prepared to carry the cost (although it would mean we’re back to me making minimal profit for working for over a decade, and given unpredictability of WFH we’d be paying that to sometimes not use it). But it still has the issue that when they’re not in the same setting whoever is picking up can’t be in two places at once.

Agree that prospect of career break should be carried equally but DH earns more and the best paid family friendly jobs locally (PA etc) he has no experience of, whereas I’ve 5 years of doing it (admittedly a decade ago but still in the same sector)

As I always say, YOU, aren’t earning £400. The fees are family money and are deducted from the mother and the father’s salary. Don’t give up your financial standing and independence. You don’t know what is down the road, even if you think you are happily married now. Been there and done that and my split was much easier because I had my good job and a salary. And if you’re with someone who thinks you aren’t earning anything per month because of the fees, you may also be with someone who doesn’t treat you fairly financially in other ways.

I appreciate the point, I really do and this isn’t some sort of mad ‘his and hers’ split - all our funds are pooled for everything. It’s more the fact that I’d love us both to do 50% of our jobs for 50% of the salary, but practically that doesn’t translate to the jobs we do.

We have a very happy marriage but actually whenever I’ve ‘thought experimented’ what would happen if we split, stupidly the low paid local job would then become an essential rather than a ‘better’ option!

Could you look for a job that’s completely WFH?

I could, although they’re exceptionally rare in my area (think client focused in the City).

I hear you OP! I managed to ride out a very similar situation with the help of a full time nanny. It was hard. But now I’m glad I stuck with it.
Are you in the private sector? Are there less demanding roles in your sector?
Could you keep a career job but move to something more flexible, mostly WFH, but still senior, fulfilling and making good use of your talent, skills and experience? Public, charity sectors?
Take a paycut but keep the career development with option to step back in eight years?
Or both you and your husband drop to four days a week. I knew a high flying career couple who did this and it worked brilliantly for them. Only three days of childcare needed.

Could you request to go part time and still do a day or two from home? Or you could both request to drop a day. I agree you are going to struggle more when one goes to school, we find the juggle hard with two professional jobs but I work part time to spread my hours a bit so we can manage some pick ups and drop offs without wraparound every day.

It sounds really hard but remember the most expensive years are those preschool ones. Although in some ways it can get harder with school (the 9-3.15 thing) wraparound care is significantly cheaper - and then you do at least have more money to throw at the problem and make life easier (meal delivery boxes, cleaners etc- whatever it takes to help ease things). Preschool years are expensive and you're in the thick of it with small children, but it does get easier.
If you generally like your job I would try to hang on. Or compress/flex hours/go part-time/ apply for flex working - just try to keep a foot on the ladder so that you do have the option to stay and progress longer term).

I would definitely consider applying for flexible working. I assume that you're client relations for a city firm or something. If you only work 4 days a week, they simply won't arrange for meetings on your 5th day. I know a couple of women who did that and have only gone back recently to full time now that the children are older.

Also don't forget about parental leave.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

I really feel for you - it’s such a bind! I really really hope you don’t have to go back to being one of those more-bright-than-the-director PAs though, PA can be so tough as you get stuck and it’s hard to move.

I am wondering why it sounds like you’re not taking more advantage of your 2 days each wfh already though. I know work culture is a killer, but are you both asking for what you’re eligible for? And taking it routinely, whenever you can? Wfh can really take the pressure off.

Once both are at school, the financial pressure does ease. So I would consider throwing money at it to get you through the next couple of years.

Or, seriously asking your husband and yourself, can either of us shift our careers.

Could one of us freelance? Could one of us retrain to something decently paid but more flexible?

I hear ya! You have so very eloquently articulated the reality of 'having it all' in your OP. I'm not in your situation at all, but I could be/have been but life/child/autism ensured it wasn't so; but I could also see what way it was going for those just a bit younger than me;

And it was the pathway to exhaustion. No solutions and no finding/naming the possible sources of blame from me.

Just Respect.

I know you're not keen on the idea of a nursery nearer to work, but I know a few people who have made it work that way and have embraced it as a way of spending more time with younger child. So:

• younger child in nursery in the City (Bright Horizons at Spitalfields is good). One or more parents takes child on the train. Spends the journey chatting, reading stories etc. Makes evenings easier as there's less of a rush to pickup. Take a picnic dinner for the train.
• Second child booked in ASC or with childminder five days a week. If a parent is working from home they can pick up early where possible.

Generally it avoids one parent having to pick up two children at once, but when it does need to be done parent gets younger child early then takes them to collect older child.

The people I know who do it that way say it shares the load more fairly and that they actually get more quality time with their child. Apparently fellow commuters are nice and they generally get a seat.

Can't you go 4 days/week and spread hours over 5 so that you can have some earlier finishes?

It sounds like your commute/nursery set up is all so far from work.

Can you move nearer the station so its only 2 mins in the car? I don't understand why you need 5 mins to park at a train station. 45 mins is a long time for just the train part, are there any faster trains? It sounds like you've moved a bit too far from the city you work in

Can you go part time?

if both you and your dh go part time you could have a lovely life and then both ramp up again when kids older

We found a childminder that could also do school runs which was a godsend, we only had 1 drop off and pick up, but doesn’t change the length or number of days. Could you do compressed hours ( so lodger on days you don’t need to be on the office) ? Could you both go to 4 days a week? Are you using the childcare scheme which will pay 20% up to a certain amount a month?

Can you get an au pair or childminder to do the drop offs and pick ups - it would refuce a lot of stress. Kids can share a room to give them space. Even when your oldest is in school and youngest in nursery they should be able to stagger the pick ups.

Otherwise have you looked into you or your husband reducing your hours - could you manage financially with a 4 day week each? Take different days and it's just 3 days childcare to sort. It may well stop any career progression while you are part-time, but you could both go back full time when kids are olders. Employers and colleagues get used to you not being in every Monday or every Friday.

So I'd encourage you to see if you can find some wrap around childcare to make it work to stay in your job. I say this because it secures you more for the future and it also gives you pension contributions, life insurance, sickness benefits and that sort of thing. Even if you realistically take home almost no money after childcare all of those things are worth it.
It may also be worth investigating some kind of flexible working arrangements? Could you do a leave early and resume work later in the evening type thing?
But otherwise I'd just be looking at childminders. Ideally one could mind DC2 during the day and pick up DC1 after school?

I would discuss with management as a first step. Decent firms don't want people heading towards burnout. Maybe look for a sideways role, or purpose a project to them if you can think of one that would let you work from home on fixed days. Secondment maybe.
Also consider compressed or part time hours. I'm 4 days a week part time and my boss is 4 days compressed and it works really well for both of us. I also will only do client meetings during the middle of the day so I can do the school run, then I do more hours in the evening to make up my time. I have to deal with the US a lot so working in the evening is actually helpful for my employer and I benefit too.
If your employer doesn't support decent flexibility then look for another role somewhere more supportive that will offer the balance and flexibility you need.
I get that the local job is attractive but it will be a backwards step and you've worked hard to get where you are. Look for a sideways step instead.
Work out your ideal scenario and then see if you can make it happen, either with current employer or a new one.
I've also heard of nanny shares, and my boss shares school runs with other parents in the same area so she only does 1 day off runs a week, but on that day she picks up kids from 3 other families.

Evening nanny who does pickups and dinner and kids laundry was marvellous for us for a few years. We had a local older lady who wanted part time work and did 3-7pm 3 days per week. Which was enough to cover nursery or primary pickups.

And she did laundry! So even if I was working from home or could leave work early, the nanny would be there and make sure all child related things were clean and tidy. While I got to play with the kids.

Also, look if your firm has any schemes to promote women's careers etc. now is the time to lean on them and ask for support. You might find all sorts of quirky ways that other women in your firm have got support that aren't advertised.

It’s definitely the hardest time. High childcare bills and two different pick up and drop offs. If you can survive until they are both out of nursery you are winning. It’s a big if though.

Taking money out of it, to be completely blunt, youre obviously frazzled and your children being in nursery 5 days a week is a lot/big commitment just so you and DH can keep your current roles.

It absolutely sounds like there's a few options here you can take to resolve this without going broke or ending up going backwards in your careers forever.

I'd personally sacrifice my full time career for at least 3 or 4 years until the youngest starts school. Go part time (3 days a week) or step down or sideways and do a job which you can do from home, with nursery 8am-1pm instead (so you can work really hard in morning and slow down after you've picked children up in afternoon's, but still be technically working). I'd start off by having a meeting with HR and/or your manager at work and say you're seriously considering leaving, in order for you to stay can they offer you what you want? Even if its only for a trial period? It's so hard to find good staff at the moment, so they won't want to loose you.

I went from FT to 2 days a week whilst DD was 1 year old, then crept up 1 day a week for every year old she was. So by the time she was 4, I was working 4 days a week. Then when she started school, my hours became 9am-3pm, Mon-Fri. Now my hours are 9-5pm on paper, but I leave office at 2.45 to pick her up and come back and work till 5pm. Sometimes I get behind, so when DH gets home from work, I go into office to catch up and can work till 10pm some nights. The main thing though is that my DD is at home in her own environment.

Also think about what kind of childhood you want them to have when they're a bit older too. A lot of comments are suggesting this all goes away when the kids are both at school, but in reality - until they're 13ish and can walk to and from school and wait at home for you - you're tied! Will they be happy being in after-school clubs till 6pm at night, everyday after school when their friends are out playing at the park?

By the way, as others have said - this isn't just on you, I think DH needs to be told he's got to change some things with his work to accommodate the children being at home more.

It’s the hardest time. It gets easier as the kids get a little more independent - feels like less of a mad scramble in the mornings.

DP works from home 2 days a week and I do 3 days a week. Mine aren’t fixed though.

We bought a place within walking distance to the primary school which helps a lot and DP tends to start work a bit earlier and finish a bit earlier. We use the wrap around clubs too, and many of the children’s classmates live on our road - if we needed some mutual support that option is there too.

Would your employer offer a career break? I worked in a hospital in the 1990s that offered career breaks of 5 years. I know that is a long time ago.

They basically hold a job open for you while you do what ever. One nurse did a degree, a lot of people tagged it on to the end of maternity leave.

If you are working at 60% you could possibly sell it to your employer.