DD nearly 5 told me she doesn't like when I have a rough tone

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I have two little ones, 2 and 4. My daughter will be 5 in January.

I've always tried not to get shouty with my children but it has happened on occasion. You ask them to do basic stuff and they ignore / run away, you've had a tough day and end up shouting sometimes.

I have to REALLY shout for them to start listening.

This would happen maybe twice a week.

The last couple of months, I came to the conclusion that it just doesn't help. It makes me feel shit and it's not nice for them either. Especially my two year old, just doesn't listen - it doesn't matter if I shout at him. If he's climbing on something he shouldn't, I just take him away from it- rather than shouting to get off.

Last night I slightly raised my voice - not shouting, but stern voice and my daughter told me she doesn't like it when I use that ' rough ' voice and to please stop it. She also told me she doesn't like it when I shout. I think it's interesting that she has told me that now, when I haven't been doing it for a while and she never told me before.

I feel really bad about it and I just want to stop doing it. I am about to start a new job and a completely new routine and I'm worried I'll revert back.

Can anyone relate ?

I’d be telling her that you don’t like it either- so if she could listen and do what she’s told the first time, you won’t need to!

This is actually what I said. It's the most logical response. She then said something like ' but it's hard to listen '. To which I replied that I understand it's hard sometimes but if she keeps trying her best ti listen, I'll also keep trying not to raise my voice.

It's inevitably that a tired and irritable mum ends up shouting occasionally when at the end of your tether! But I agree that it's something to be avoided if possible. It really doesn't help with discipline and as adults we wouldn't like to be shouted at by someone much bigger than us! My dad never smacked us but he did shout sometimes and I remember it being quite frightening and didn't like it.

Practice walking away and taking a few deep breaths. Then get down to their level and face to face, use a calm firm voice to say 'I want you to do this/stop climbing etc'. You're modelling the behaviour you want to see, children don't do what you say they do what they see you do!

She has told you she has an issue with it. Surely the way to secure her to listen and engage is to adjust your tone? I don't react well to "stern tones" as an adult nor as a child actually.

I am assuming you tell her to ask nicely etc then you have to model the behaviour. She holding you accountable what you presumably want her at five to do 🤷‍♀️

I'm happy she was able to express her feelings about it to me.

And yes I absolutely ask nicely - but sometimes I snap when I am just not being listened to.

So that's also what I've tried to explain. We all need to speak nicely to each other.

I also apologise when I've snapped and shouted.

Actually she is a very articulate little girl and you should be proud. She feels safe enough to tell you that. Dont see this a bad thing you’ve had this conversation with her.

I have an just 8 year old who i have the most interesting conversations with about feelings, moods ect..she can read me by body language very astutely 👀

Also you’re a human being who’s shattered and not perfect - no one is. Sometimes you’re going to shout - sometimes she’s going remind you. Family life.

And that's great because then she is likely to do the same and with maturity her incidences will reduce.

I do wonder sometimes if we are less patient because they tend to behave? It's like we sometimes forget how little 5 is. I used to try and imagine I was talking to another's child. I noticed a difference in my tone and expectations.

I have a 16 year old and he was that very articulate child telling me if I said no it hurt his feelings. I have to be honest he has turned into a patient and emotionally intelligent young man, so I think your future is fine. It's getting through the stage now that can be more challenging.

Make sure you get some time to build resilience. Sleep, self care, time with friends all are hugely important in keeping you at your optimum level. You are doing your best, and you are fundamental in the forming of what sounds an insightful young girl.

If she is calling you out she will cal others, don't underestimate how amazing that skill is. Looking at 50 and I am still trying to learn it!😸

You will get there it just may need some lip biting, taking a strategic loo break, deep breaths or in my case drink a glass of water before I react. It slowed me down and calmed me down.

@Marblesbackagain that's really kind, thank you.

I was also glad she was able to express it to me.

I don't actually shout much at her anymore at all- but I do shout at her brother sometimes.

He's 2 and a half, which is a challenging age.

But like I said, recently I've been able to stay much calmer. I will do my best to continue to stay calm. Because it does me no good either at all. It helps no one.

I’d be telling her that you don’t like it either- so if she could listen and do what she’s told the first time, you won’t need to!

This. I would also say though, if you have a tendency to err towards a firm tone a lot, check your expectations. If you do it all the time it loses impact anyway and they just learn to tune it out.

There's really interesting research that shows that often when people shout that others find it hard to listen and process instructions/ remember what was said. Often people only hear the volume rather than the words if that makes sense?

It's interesting that she's picked up on that!

It sounds like you are trying, and sometimes that's all we can do. It's also great that you're listening. It's really easy to snap immediately into a defensive "it's because you make me" but it sounds like you're taking it onboard

Just this.

With an additional "Well, I don't like it when you etc. "

Mine says please stop that angry voice mum 🤣 - I will stop if you do what you’re told!

I think you gave a really good response here! You are both human and are both trying and learning.

Without being rude, how is that helpful

If my partner or relative said " I really struggle when you xyz..." and I responded "well I hate it when you do y.." does that open up any form of helpful communication or is it just a tit for tat that shuts people down?

Would you listen in that scenario or just feel annoyed? It's a petty tit for tat with a 5 year old

This could be a great way of having a mum and daughter vs "the problem" rather than just blaming each other and finding a different way that works for both of them

Eg. A way of communicating something has to be done now without shouting

I can say/ ask something in a regular voice twenty times or more and get completely ignored. Then I end up raising my voice. I hate it but it comes out of total exasperation. Mine is a bit older and provokes me on purpose sometimes as well. I have to say it is one of the things I find most difficult about being a parent. It frustrates the life out of me.

It’s hilarious that you’ve been given the gift of feedback!

When of mine was about 4, and had a corking lisp, he would shout “Don’t thay no to me! I might get UPTHET!”😂

I don't think you have much to worry about but you are right to check yourself and keep an eye on your own behaviours, not just hers. You are the adult, you need to model the behaviours you want to see in her later down the line. Easier said than done for most of us, much of the time.
Keep on being accountable.
Praise her for speaking her mind and calling out the undesirable behaviour.
There's a lovely book by Phillipa Perry that is very helpful
The book you wish your parents had read, and your children will be glad that you did.

My mother, may she rest in peace was a wonderful woman but had four of us who had, eh opinions on everything. She did occasionally raise her voice but she also developed a method of where appropriate break the stand off with humour.

On one occasion with the lively neighbour lads she turned a hose on them. So I keep telling myself I haven't done that yet. Only yet mind you 🤣

Ah I feel bad. I already snapped tonight and shouted at them.

They were just messing around so much at bed time and running around. Jumping around. Lying in bed clapping their hands.

I just need to sort a bed time routine for them that's not like this. It's just not calm.

I took them up, showered them. Brushed teeth etc. pjs on and then the problem starts because they won't sleep alone. So I lie down with them and read them a book and then they start kicking each other and shoving each other or just refusing to even get in bed in the first place.

When I finally managed to get them in bed, they still kept messing around and clapping for ages, even after the story and I shouted at them to stop. I did warn them and I asked them nicely, distracted them etc. I came up at 7:20 and after an hour they were still messing around.

It's just such a fucking slog.

Is this just how it is ? They're 4 and 2. My DD is 5 in Feb. What am I doing wrong ? I'm exhausted.

I do bed time alone, 4 nights a week. It is breaking me. Am I expecting too much ?

Have they had enough fresh air and exercise? Are they tired enough for bed?

Cam you do them separately? Wouldn't the 2 year old need more sleep? Breaking it up might take the sting out of it.

How do I break it up ? They wouldn't let that happen. They'd just follow me where ever I am.

Yeah I think they should be tired .

How do I break it up ? They wouldn't let that happen. They'd just follow me where ever I am.

Could the older one wait for some special alone mummy-daughter time? With a picture book in the living room. Offer it as a choice, "you can do well behaved bedtime with DS or, if you can sit nicely, you can have a bedtime all your own with mummy" type of thing.

As @MrsTerryPratchett said give the older one a task to do by themselves. Do the shower then send the older one to set the table, fix the cushions whatever. Then put the littlest to bed. Short story, hug, lights and down to the oldest one for a story in the couch.

Are they in the same room? If so then I would suggest a bigger gap.

The older one won't even go in a room by herself ever really. She gets scared. Especially at night.

They don't share a room no. But they go to sleep in the same room.

If I said to her to do something on her own, she just wouldn't do it.

It's hard when we are at home even during the day, when I take little one for a nap- she will follow me upstairs and not be happy to just watch TV or play in her room or anything.

So you will need to sort that first.

Does she say why she doesn't want to be alone? Is there a particular thing she is afraid of happening?

Would she be happy to 'tidy' the bath toys with doors open in between? And then when that is established ask her to fetch you something from another room.

Frustrating and slow but more likely to be successful.