DD nearly 5 told me she doesn't like when I have a rough tone

[highcha]

I have two little ones, 2 and 4. My daughter will be 5 in January.

I've always tried not to get shouty with my children but it has happened on occasion. You ask them to do basic stuff and they ignore / run away, you've had a tough day and end up shouting sometimes.

I have to REALLY shout for them to start listening.

This would happen maybe twice a week.

The last couple of months, I came to the conclusion that it just doesn't help. It makes me feel shit and it's not nice for them either. Especially my two year old, just doesn't listen - it doesn't matter if I shout at him. If he's climbing on something he shouldn't, I just take him away from it- rather than shouting to get off.

Last night I slightly raised my voice - not shouting, but stern voice and my daughter told me she doesn't like it when I use that ' rough ' voice and to please stop it. She also told me she doesn't like it when I shout. I think it's interesting that she has told me that now, when I haven't been doing it for a while and she never told me before.

I feel really bad about it and I just want to stop doing it. I am about to start a new job and a completely new routine and I'm worried I'll revert back.

Can anyone relate ?

Ah I think this is your biggest problem, OP - if mine was constantly glued to me like this I think I would snap a lot more than I do now!
My elder girl was very clingy and timid but I don't remember it being this bad. TV or something would have lured her. Is she at school?

She goes to school. They're both very clingy.
I just feel like it's all so out of control.

I need the 2024 equivalent of supernanny or something.

She says she's scared of being on her own. Even in her own room. She doesn't care about TV in those moments really, she just clings onto me.

It's funny because they're the friendliest most outgoing kids when they're out and about.

They talk to everyone and just want to be friends with everyone, adult or child.

But at home with me, they just need me so much for some reason. They often fight who can be closest to me and that kind of stuff or in bed, I have to be in the middle. They often want to lie on me. It's suffocating. That's how I spend my only free time in the day. Then I fall asleep. It's draining. But I don't know how to change it. They just scream.

I have two that exact age. They share a room, but the younger one goes to sleep first, and if he isn't asleep when the older one needs to go down she starts her night in our bed and then we move her once they're both asleep. If they're both awake it turns into a raging party.

Editing to add that if I'm doing bedtime solo then the older one gets a TV treat while I put the younger to bed. Then once the younger one is going down the older one gets to do numbers/letters with mum, painting, slime making or whatever of that nature.

How do you get the younger one to sleep first ? What does the older one do in that time ?

This sounds really tough but it is manageable. If you're shouting they will hear the shout and the anger and not the instruction. If they are hearing a lot of negative phrases or requests they will play up until you shout because the shouting is attention.

Children will behave better when they hear more positive remarks than negative ones. So saying, it's really lovely when you play quietly, or I love how kind you are to your brother, or you listened really well to the story, and that was wonderful, will encourage them into that behaviour. And you have to get sick of saying it before they are hearing it. Praise praise praise the good behaviour, thank them for behaving well and it will make a difference.

You might also want to model phrases such as, when you do x, I feel y. The feeling is yours and can't be denied. The action is factually theirs and can be thought about. So you could say, when you fight each other, I feel sad; when you listen quietly, I feel happy.

I hope this helps.

Also we have a baby camera in the room so we know the younger one is safe, but he generally bashes around his bedroom for anywhere between 15mins and an hour then puts himself to bed. That way I can watch him, know he is being safe and just playing with a book while I stay with the older one. Our older one started school in this year and that has hugely helped as she is more exhausted when she comes home too. She was a nightmare at bedtime before that though. When we put her to sleep in our bed we use her own blanket, teddy and a nightlight to try keep it similar to her setup so she cant be "scared" of the dark and keep coming out of the room.

I don’t really think you need to think about this any more deeply than this post and I think your approach to the conversation with them sounds fine.

You could tie yourself in knots thinking about the best way to engage children who are choosing not to listen. Not everyone in life will jump through hoops to get them to listen. Sometimes they will have to do as they are told and expecting them to comply with parental instructions is a real basic.

As I tell my 2 kids, I ask nicely once, I ask nicely twice, if they can hear the exasperation & frustration in my voice when I ask the third or fourth time, that is on them.

They are teens now and we still have these conversations.

They also say I shout but I don't. I absolutely have a different tone the third time I ask, but I am 100% not shouting. They only say I shout when I am asking them to do something they don't want me to ask them for the 3rd bloody time. Not liking what they are hearing doesn't mean I am shouting 😂

Just checking in with you, OP, because I got lost in bedtime and forgot to come back yesterday

How was today?

I wish I had some recommendations for how to get the older one comfortable in a different room from you but I haven't found any...

Will they comfortably play together in the next room to you I.e. is it a being alone issue? Or will they stay with dh without you I.e. is it a being with a safe person issue? Or is it just YOU they both want, and no one else?

Yep. Would be saying the same

It's not like you shouted the first time

But prob asked 2/3/4 times then raised your voice

So she needs to start listening

Esp as of school and so quite capable of listening and obeying

Bedtime issues are a separate thing and lying with them isn't working if they are mucking about

So you cuddle them. Then say going for a wee. Come back. Then put washing away. Come back. Etx

It takes time but repeat new routine night after night and you will get there

I got to the point that I forced myself to walk away and go into my room to calm down for a few minutes. Usually that would itself signal the fact I was not pleased with the behaviour. I'd say I'm so annoyed right now I'm going to calm myself down.

My child is ND and highly argumentative by nature so this was essential or id be shouting and probably screaming alot. Only a minute or 2 is enough to bring you down so you can go back in and handle it calmly ( most the time!)

When things are bad I do think it's not unreasonable to see that you're only human. People will lose patience if it's continuous. That's just how the world is.

Gosh I remember when mine were that age, it's really hard! I also ended up shouting at them sometimes and then feeling really bad about it.

We coslept at that age and what helped was I would say 'can we all hurry up so we can cuddle in bed sooner? I'd really like to cuddle you now,' and that'd get them moving real fast. Or on days when I'm feeling worse it'd be 'mummy's really tired now and I'm really need to lie down and rest, could you help me please". And I was always piggy in the middle because they both wanted to sleep next to me.

They follow me, every time I get up. Even if I just pop into the hallway, they just get out of bed and follow me. Even when I've asked them to just stay in bed.

I'm at a loss of how to manage bed times better. Usually they also have to lie on me. It's exhausting and suffocating.

You are comparing yourself to a five year old child?! It is developmentally normal for a 5yo to find it hard to listen.

It is not developmentally normal for an adult to shout - that's your choice. Don't blame the child for your choice.

I have to REALLY shout for them to start listening. The truth is other parents manage without shouting. So shouting is not universally necessary - you can change if you want to.

We went through this few months ago with my then almost 5yr old. DH was raising his voice as LO was doing whatever he wanted. My LO complained to his teacher, my DH got pulled and told off/ there was a concern whether she questioned she should report to child services so it was quite the wake up call from DH. Now when my LO says he doesn’t like his tone, he tones it down. I’ve also explained to my kid that we don’t like to raise our voices, however when we repeat the same thing 173748382 times and he didn’t listen, what else can we do so that he hears us and listen.

You pick them up and put them back in the bed. Ultra boring and "it's bed time now", rinse and repeat 50 times if needs be. You'll have it sorted in a week as long as you are consistent.

You are the parent. Do not let a 5yr old dictate how you parent.
Sometimes you need to raise your voice, do not let a child guilt-trip you into being an ineffective parent at the mery of their child's demands

Sorry I can't quote a quote as on app but @highcha you have to be firm.

Take them back. Bedtime now. Stay in own room and repeat

If you don't want to be laid on and squashed tell them

Tall dog stair gate if need be on their bedroom door to stop following you

Sure your 5yr doesn't behave like this at school in not listening to teachers when asked to do something

You need to reinforce boundaries as a mum and parent

Yeah, can you find any way to pen them in? They need to know you're serious when you say stay in bed. Or at least, stay in this room.