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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family drama

32 replies

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:12

So basically we had a family party on Saturday at my house. We haven't had a family party since the summer, it was such a fantastic night we loved seeing everyone ect, we were a super close family. Sunday morning my auntie wrote in the group chat that she had lost £350 from the zipped up part of her bag (my uncle had worked that day and came to my house a little later on) nothing else is missing apart from the bundle of money. Logically she was asked if she lost it in the taxi on the way home but she got an uber so didn't need to go in her bag on the way home (she wasn't drunk but we all had had a drink) now this is the part is tricky and what I feel most awful about. 9 years ago my other auntie's husband stole a mobile phone from me and sold it which is how I know he did it because the person who brought it messaged me through social media asking for my apple ID, she gave me his full name and address. When he stole this phone, me and my husband we're going through a really hard time. Our little girl was diagnosed with a terminal illness and we were lending them money. My husband was absolutely fuming and me said he isn't welcome in our home ever again and we never invited him or my auntie to our house in the 9 years. My nan and most of my family over the years have told us we're dramatic and are breaking our family up ect ect. After around 4/5 years I started inviting my auntie but not her husband to things as I felt pressure from my family but my husband hated it but understood. Now last christmas we were having everyone to us for boxing day and my family were like are you inviting & and and I said I'm inviting & but not and I was told we was selfish for not inviting them at christmas so i asked my husband if & and * could come round he said no so we had a big massive row in the end he allowed me to invite them as we were getting grief from family, they didn't come that christmas anyway. Fine!

Every time we have a party my family nag us about inviting them so we've just given in and invited them every party we've had, the thieving uncle has never turned up until Saturday, he hadn't stepped foot into my home in nine years and now money has gone missing. Every member of my family was in the garden for an hour on Saturday with all bags in my living room and I think you can guess who was alone in my living room. My family also think it was him but we dont have any proof and now my auntie who had the money stolen said she can trust any of us because she has no proof which is fair enough but I'm so angry because my family and partly me (after around 8 years) gave my husband so much shit about not inviting him to our house. We had so many rows over this and for what. My husband has been proven right he can't be trusted and is a scum bag. I feel awful that money was stolen at my house and I feel awful my auntie us questioning my morals, I wouldn't ever steal off anyone let alone family ffs!

What can we do as a family, the thieve will never admit it and how can we not invite him again when we have no proof. My husband has said to me to never ever ask him again if * can come round because the answer is and will always be now a NO and I totally understand and agree. I'm absolutely gutted for my auntie and my family.

I'm so sorry this is a long winded post.

Thanks

OP posts:
kiwiane · 04/11/2024 09:20

I’d assume it is your uncle and tell him you suspect it’s him, say you’ll report the loss to the police and do so. Also message your aunt with this information. Surely the whole family knew about the mobile phone so why did you let them persuade you to invite him?
I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this position.

Womblewife · 04/11/2024 09:26

Honestly I would tell the family frankly you believe it to be him, stating that after the mobile phone incident your husband was given flack for not inviting him and now look what’s happened the moment he is let back in. I would cut him and his wife off for good - if you think she doesn’t know he is a thief, think again.

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:28

kiwiane · 04/11/2024 09:20

I’d assume it is your uncle and tell him you suspect it’s him, say you’ll report the loss to the police and do so. Also message your aunt with this information. Surely the whole family knew about the mobile phone so why did you let them persuade you to invite him?
I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this position.

Yes my husband said this to my mum yesterday that we need to confront him. Yes they all knew about the phone, it was mainly my nan she like to sweep negative things under the carpet and wants to keep our family together but it's now happened again and my husband and me won't be have him back in this house ever again.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:30

Womblewife · 04/11/2024 09:26

Honestly I would tell the family frankly you believe it to be him, stating that after the mobile phone incident your husband was given flack for not inviting him and now look what’s happened the moment he is let back in. I would cut him and his wife off for good - if you think she doesn’t know he is a thief, think again.

Totally agree. We told my mum yesterday exactly what you have said yesterday and that I'm so angry with my family. That's is now he ruined it yet again

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 04/11/2024 09:31

Surely if your uncle had taken the money he would be spending it on luxuries??? Unless he has a secret addiction/second family somewhere??

Clarinet1 · 04/11/2024 09:33

Well, I’m usually the first person to give people the benefit of the doubt but, in a case like this even I’m thinking that, if there’s that much smoke, there’s got to be a fire somewhere!
I’m sorry you’ve been through so much over this but you given this man a second chance and look what’s happened - in the end say to your family your house, your rules!

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:35

shellyleppard · 04/11/2024 09:31

Surely if your uncle had taken the money he would be spending it on luxuries??? Unless he has a secret addiction/second family somewhere??

Well they are skint so we shall see, if my auntie sees he has money now all of a sudden and does nothing she is just as bad in my eyes

OP posts:
pearldiamond · 04/11/2024 09:35

But surely your family would now think it's this uncle that stole the money? So therefore they would realise that you were being sensible for the last nine years and come crawling to you with an apology?

MissUltraViolet · 04/11/2024 09:36

Stop letting your family cause issues between you and your husband. He stole from you, you should never have allowed him back into your home.

It was obviously him, whether you can prove it or not is almost irrelevant (to everyone except your poor aunt - who frankly should also know exactly who took her money.)

He never walks through your door again and tell anyone that complains about it to piss off or they will also no longer be welcome.

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:36

Clarinet1 · 04/11/2024 09:33

Well, I’m usually the first person to give people the benefit of the doubt but, in a case like this even I’m thinking that, if there’s that much smoke, there’s got to be a fire somewhere!
I’m sorry you’ve been through so much over this but you given this man a second chance and look what’s happened - in the end say to your family your house, your rules!

I know I totally agree it was him. It's just done my head in because of the grief over the years and we've been proven to be right especially my poor husband. They owe him an apology tbh

OP posts:
Dramatic · 04/11/2024 09:42

I'm surprised that your Auntie is saying she can't trust any of you, isn't it obvious to everyone who the thief is?

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:44

MissUltraViolet · 04/11/2024 09:36

Stop letting your family cause issues between you and your husband. He stole from you, you should never have allowed him back into your home.

It was obviously him, whether you can prove it or not is almost irrelevant (to everyone except your poor aunt - who frankly should also know exactly who took her money.)

He never walks through your door again and tell anyone that complains about it to piss off or they will also no longer be welcome.

No you're absolutely right I should have and I should have stuck to my guns and defended my husband more but it was 9 years ago and I stupidly gave him a second chance because I couldn't be bothered with the drama of family parties. I was pleasing my family and my husband was trying to please me.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:45

Dramatic · 04/11/2024 09:42

I'm surprised that your Auntie is saying she can't trust any of you, isn't it obvious to everyone who the thief is?

Me too it's because there no proof he stole it i think she was just extremely angry yesterday because it is so obvious who it was.

OP posts:
NotTheMamaNotTheMama · 04/11/2024 09:46

Dramatic · 04/11/2024 09:42

I'm surprised that your Auntie is saying she can't trust any of you, isn't it obvious to everyone who the thief is?

Not necessarily, while OP hasn’t invited the uncle until now, presumably the rest of the family have still been inviting him to their houses over the last 9 years and nothing has gone missing.

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:46

pearldiamond · 04/11/2024 09:35

But surely your family would now think it's this uncle that stole the money? So therefore they would realise that you were being sensible for the last nine years and come crawling to you with an apology?

My nan will try and sweep this under the rug like she did with the phone sadly

OP posts:
pearldiamond · 04/11/2024 09:51

So if you think you'll never change your Nan's mind, put her out of your own mind and ignore her. Stop allowing her inability to accept things affect you so much.

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 09:54

pearldiamond · 04/11/2024 09:51

So if you think you'll never change your Nan's mind, put her out of your own mind and ignore her. Stop allowing her inability to accept things affect you so much.

I mean I hope she doesn't because this is the second time and my auntie who was stolen from is much stronger than me and wont let this go im extremely close to my nan but I'm fuming with them but who knows what's going to happen moving forward

OP posts:
MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/11/2024 09:56

Whilst he seems most obvious:
Has he been invited to other house parties at other houses? Presumably he wasn't stealing from them...
Was there any chance someone else could have taken it? Or, awful as it is, could your Aunt not have had the money in the first place? Having your uncle turn up for the first time since the phone incident would be the perfect cover for someone else to steal and then blame him. Or your aunt to lie to hope family members give her money to replace it because she's struggling a little...

He definitely seems the obvious choice and after the phone you were in your right not to allow him back in.

"Alright everyone, obviously this is an awful situation and we don't want to blame anyone without proof. The honourable thing to do would be to own up. But no one is going to do that. So let's have an amnesty. The person who took the money has 2 weeks to return the money, either owning up or anonymously. If the money isn't returned then we will no longer be hosting parties. Thank you for understanding."

HappyMummaOfOne · 04/11/2024 09:57

why not message the group chat “So I’ve just remembered that X was in the living room for over an hour when we were all out in the garden, so maybe he saw someone come in and take the money from the bag? X, did you see anyone? Obviously the money didn’t disappear of its own accord so it had to have been taken when everyone was outside.”

You could also mention that although you have your suspicions on who it could be, if the person doesn’t return the money (say it can be anonymous 🙄) then you will have to stop hosting parties as you refuse to have a thief in your house who disguises themselves as “family” as family doesn’t do this!

maybe being pretty direct may work and your aunt and uncle may locate the “missing money”

Jifmicroliquid · 04/11/2024 10:01

Tell your family that it’s a bit suspicious that on the one time you re invited thieving man to the party again, some money went missing and that, from now on, he is unwelcome to any family event you hold.

What has thieving man’s wife (your aunty) said about it?

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 10:12

MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/11/2024 09:56

Whilst he seems most obvious:
Has he been invited to other house parties at other houses? Presumably he wasn't stealing from them...
Was there any chance someone else could have taken it? Or, awful as it is, could your Aunt not have had the money in the first place? Having your uncle turn up for the first time since the phone incident would be the perfect cover for someone else to steal and then blame him. Or your aunt to lie to hope family members give her money to replace it because she's struggling a little...

He definitely seems the obvious choice and after the phone you were in your right not to allow him back in.

"Alright everyone, obviously this is an awful situation and we don't want to blame anyone without proof. The honourable thing to do would be to own up. But no one is going to do that. So let's have an amnesty. The person who took the money has 2 weeks to return the money, either owning up or anonymously. If the money isn't returned then we will no longer be hosting parties. Thank you for understanding."

My uncle gave my auntie the money in front of everyone, they stood in the middle of my living room we all saw, I think with my thief uncle he is an opportunity thief. With my phone he saw the opportunity and with the money I think he knew she had the money and took the opportunity when we were all outside. Just my opinion of course i have no proof of that

OP posts:
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 10:15

HappyMummaOfOne · 04/11/2024 09:57

why not message the group chat “So I’ve just remembered that X was in the living room for over an hour when we were all out in the garden, so maybe he saw someone come in and take the money from the bag? X, did you see anyone? Obviously the money didn’t disappear of its own accord so it had to have been taken when everyone was outside.”

You could also mention that although you have your suspicions on who it could be, if the person doesn’t return the money (say it can be anonymous 🙄) then you will have to stop hosting parties as you refuse to have a thief in your house who disguises themselves as “family” as family doesn’t do this!

maybe being pretty direct may work and your aunt and uncle may locate the “missing money”

My nan wrote this yesterday in the group chat. He will never admit it, he has never admitted to stealing my phone even though I have 100% proof. He just avoided us and hasn't uttered 2 word to us in 9 years whenever we've seen him at other parties. He doesn't even look at my husband.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 10:16

Jifmicroliquid · 04/11/2024 10:01

Tell your family that it’s a bit suspicious that on the one time you re invited thieving man to the party again, some money went missing and that, from now on, he is unwelcome to any family event you hold.

What has thieving man’s wife (your aunty) said about it?

She hasn't said anything other then I'm so sorry your money been stolen. She must know we think it's her husband and if she does know she will take it to the grave

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/11/2024 10:18

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife I am actually really surprised that your auntie has ever shown her face at any family functions again!! she should really be too embarassed after her thieving husband stole from you at your house! I would never have invited either of them back ever again! your hubby will not be having family parties again involving your family! why dont you pay them a visit and demand the money be returned? watch his reaction! you can usually tell if someone is guilty!

HideousKinky · 04/11/2024 10:19

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 04/11/2024 10:15

My nan wrote this yesterday in the group chat. He will never admit it, he has never admitted to stealing my phone even though I have 100% proof. He just avoided us and hasn't uttered 2 word to us in 9 years whenever we've seen him at other parties. He doesn't even look at my husband.

He hasn't spoken to you in 9 years and doesn't look at your husband, yet turned up to a party at your house?